Exhale

This week may well have been one of the most stressful on record.  I clocked a day on set, tech for one show, and fully costuming a burlesque act. 

It was down to the wire, but I finished the important things, and I rolled with the things that didn't end up happening.  And I learned a few things. Like... that apron I had planned for my burly-q act is totally unnecessary (and also to tie my bustle underneath my corset, because I almost got stuck this week.  O_o)

In the moment, having to finish ten thousand things in the span of about 72 hours is absolutely hellish.  But I say it over and over again, and it's true.  I work best when I'm standing on the edge of a knife.  I don't meander through my projects, I shoot through them with laser focus. 

This week, I'll be spending another day on set, and I have work or job interviews or rehearsal or shows EVERY DAY (except Wednesday.  whee!).  Let's hope we can keep this train moving along. 

What have you been up to, Raven Gemini?

What HAVE you been up to, Raven Gemini?

Well, aside from my recent renaissance (this always seems to happen in the springtime), I really haven't updated much since September.  Which is understandable, considering the time I've been having since then. 

I got fired.  But not really.  I got "laid off" because there was no money to pay me during the beginning of our season this year, but I never actually stopped working, and I managed to get paid all the same.  It's a long story. 

I spent a long time being shaken by that, and allowing it to breed a lot of stress that shouldn't have even existed into my life. 

I continued to build my Burlesque repertoire, including semi-retiring one of my first acts.  (It might come back in the near future, in an altered state)

You can find those videos here:

http://vimeo.com/59413253
http://vimeo.com/61426308
and
http://vimeo.com/58280954

I've been slowly and quietly building momentum for my photography business in the background.  It's not happening as quickly as I would like, but nothing ever does.

I applied to Columbia!  And got rejected.  But I applied.  And I will again next year, with a more cohesive portfolio, and maybe some classes under my belt.

All in all, I've been moving myself into a better situation, slowly but surely.  

So... it's been awhile.

I had been on a roll here, I think.  If I remember May correctly.  It doesn't seem that long ago, but yet...

I came back and was too starstruck.  I didn't want to drool all over my blog about sexy Germans.
And then I got busy.
And then I got comfortable.


And then I got fired.  So here I am.

I have one more week at work (really, I got laid off, not "pack your stuff" fired.) and I've been trying to put together some sort of plan for my imminent future.

Just what, exactly, am I going to do with myself?

I've been listing the myriad of vintage patterns I've picked up lately on Etsy.  You can check them out at www.etsy.com/shop/ravenwcatz, if you're curious.  Mostly stuff from the 70's and 80's for the time being, but once I've inventoried the lot, there might be some older goodies popping up here or there.

I'm thinking about starting a blog.  Ha ha, you say.  You already have one.  You're writing on it right now.

Let me be more clear.

I'm thinking about blogging.  Having a burlesque blog, one for my photography, and one for these infernal patterns, as I work through and catalog them all.  I think it might be fun to comment on them.  Everything from the evolutionary dead-ends of fashion to finished projects, if I'm so inclined.

I have to remember to apply for unemployment.

I have to remember to register to vote.

Did I mention my birthday is in two weeks?  Yep.

There's a lot going on here, and I hope it doesn't slow down.  Even if I don't have a job in October, it looks like I'll have several gigs lined up that should carry me partway.

Mostly, I can't wait for this week to be over.  Because after that, I won't be obligated to care anymore. 

I'm not dead. I promise!

Things have gotten very busy here for me, and by that I mean:
~I had a bunch of performances all in a row for which I was crazy behind in finishing costumes/choreography/what-have-you.
~THEN it was almost time for me to go on my mini-tour seeing Rammstein.
~THEN I saw them.  In Chicago.  And Detroit.  On the rail.
~THEN (well, not really THEN, more like WHILE I WAS DOING THAT...) I got into the coveted afterparty in Chicago, a surprisingly chill deal wherein I did a little dancing, got Richard Z K to sign my ticket, was TWO FEET from Paul Landers, but all I had in me to say was a lame hello, and generally behaved like a socially inept dweeb.  BUT I GOT IN.  Baby steps. Schneider was also there, but he was pretty preoccupied with some other chick, and since I was busy being awkward turtle I figured I'd just avoid that whole situation.  (not like "PREOCCUPIED" preoccupied.  But he was talking to her, and I was just sort of orbiting them all like some sort of awkward-feeling asteroid (Or Pluto, perhaps?  It has to be awkward not really being a planet anymore.), so.  Yeah.)
~and NOW I'm staring down the barrel of four performances in the next two weeks, four in June, and four in July, not to mention the start of rehearsals for Lebowski (BECAUSE WE'RE DOING THAT AGAIN THIS YEAR.  WHEE!), plus PUDDLE and the Windy City Burlesque Fest, and all the prep work that I have to do for THOSE things, and... Urgh.

So... Busy.  busybusybusy.  But it's good busy. 

P.S.  Paul Landers is wonderful.  I have such a crush it's shameful.  I couldn't say a damn thing to him because I was afraid of sounding like a weirdo.  It was like being in high school all over again, except we're grown adults and there's no reason I should feel that way around ANYONE anymore, particularly someone I might never see again. 

P.P.S

See?

And now for something completely different.

I realize, academically, that The Other Side of Life is not terribly much more than 80's pop garbage, but goddamn it, I was born in 1986, and I will love it no matter how awful people say it was.  Even the really horrible synth and poorly-written lyrics.  Even this:

I'm listening to this track as we speak, actually.



And, just to keep this somewhat on a topic that kind of fits the theme of this blog, I've been tossing around the idea of maybe eventually putting together a burlesque act to "Sunset/Twilight Time" from Days of Future Past.  I love the eastern-y sound, and am tossing around either the concept of being an Indian deity, or Ra, since it is all about the sun...

A (very) personal project

Every once in awhile, I get a brainwave that has nothing to do with how much money I could be making.  It doesn't happen very often anymore, since I live in a constant state of financial desperation, but once in a great while, it occurs to me that there are things that I would like to do, simply because I have a passion to do them.  This is one of those moments.

I was supervising a theater rental last night (I brought Kenneth along with me, bribed with coffee, but that's another story.), and I was remarking about how I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself, as I don't even trust myself enough to know that what I want is really what I want, or is good for me.  I've been continually frustrated by this self-mistrust lately. 

Driving home, I dropped Kenneth off at the train, and took Lakeshore Drive up north.  I rarely drive on LSD, because the traffic can be hellish, and really, it's out of my way, unless I have to drop people off at the train for any reason.  Zipping up the shoreline, I hazarded a glance out at the endless darkness that is Lake Michigan.  And I remembered how much I love the water, and how it's really been nagging at me that I wish I could get out of the city and go spend some time at my family's cottage in northern Michigan. 

And then I remembered a goal I had had when I was about 16 or so.  I had decided that I wanted to photograph all the lighthouses on the Great Lakes.  When I was 16, I decided it would be AWESOME if I could make the whole trip on foot, because then you would really be in tune with all the minutiae of the world and the water.  For the record, I think it would take about a decade to walk around the ENTIRE chain of great lakes.  Thinking about it right now, it would probably be a really cool thing to do by bike, if I wasn't planning on carrying a zillion pounds of gear, or bringing companions.  As it stands, my current hope is to be able to start in Chicago, end in Buffalo, and pass through about ten thousand towns along the way, dead, dying, post-industrial, or resort. 

I want to photograph the lighthouses, yes.  And the lakeboats, and the lake, and the water and the trees and the sky.  But I also want to record a narrative of the midwest.  The Great Lakes region.  Canada and the U.S.  The collective voice of my home, the people who live there.  The history that runs through everything like water.  The whole span of human history, crushing in front of my lens simultaneously. 

I want to take the summation of all my feelings about those woods and that water from my entire life, and I want to express them. 

My end goal is twofold.  I'd love to write a book about the experience, stuffed with shiny, full-color digital photographs of my journey. 

But I'd also like to take the absolute best of the photographs, be it ten or a hundred or seven-hundred-thirty-two, and create prints.  The platinum-palladium prints that I learned in college, that lent such a timeless antiquation to my subjects.  And I'd like to have a gallery exhibition.  I want the narrative of my lakes and my history and my boundless love to be shared, to be known. 

So... I'm going to start researching, with the goal of departing in the summer of 2013, and just being an adventurer for however long it takes.  I need to know a lot of things before I go.  How many lighthouses *are* there?  What else can I plan on visiting?  How much time can I allot in case I find something I *didn't* plan on visiting?  Hotels?  What happens to my apartment?  My cat?  Who wants to come with me, and for how long?  I imagine this journey is going to take the entire summer, at the very least. 

And I don't want to neglect the other part of me either.  I'd love to do some research into the burlesque scene of every major metropolitan area I will pass through on my journey.  I'd love to make my personal journey one where I build bridges in the present-day as well.  And it wouldn't hurt to get paid to perform every once in awhile on my way either. 


I expect this project will be coming, sooner or later, to Kickstarter, in the hopes that I can drum up support for the grandest adventure I've always ached to have. 

A matter of perspective

I've been feeling very overwhelmed and unmotivated lately.  Sometimes, I feel as if that is my natural state, since I seem to say that a lot.  But it's true.  The more I have to accomplish, the more I want to run away, until I'm trapped in a corner with my hands over my ears going "LA LA LA!  CAN'T HEAR YOU!!"

I've been having one of those moments the last few weeks.  There are dishes in my sink that are now coated with some sort of nastiness that I don't even want to fathom, because every time I look at them, I just get too overwhelmed to deal with it. 

I had a chat with one of my fellow burlesketeers, Marci Vousplait, a few days ago.  We both made our debuts sometime last year, and both of us remarked how this feeling has set in where we just don't want to work on anything right now.  For me, it's this overwhelming feeling again.  I've accomplished how many acts?  In six months time, I've finished two regular-run acts, one holiday act, worked on another, plus the three iterations of our group act, the Vaudezilla group acts, and our new group act.  It's a lot of work, and a lot of money, and it's gotten to the point where I just have a hard time thinking about it without reflexively watching a few minutes of MacGyver, (or a random Youtube video) just to try and chase it out of my head. 

But I've been thinking about it today.  Because it's really sort of a matter of perspective.  The first thing that helped was writing myself a to-do list.  Just a short blurb to get everything that was nagging at me out of my head, and down on a thing I can look at to remind me.  The next thing was really mentally preparing for showing my latest act in rehearsal tonight.  Normally an activity I dread, this time I concentrated my energies on trying to give a good performance, and really boosted my enthusiasm for getting it accomplished.  And you know what?  It was a zillion times better. 

I know that I have a hard time seeing the forest through all the trees, but I'd like to keep concentrating on the big picture, knocking out one thing at a time, and really attacking these next few weeks.  Because I can accomplish everything on those big, scary to-do lists.  I just have to look at it the right way. 

The big announcement, part two

Well, I guess now's as good a time as any to make my big announcement.  I will be performing my murder act (Haifisch) as part of this year's Windy City Burlesque Fest!  I'll be getting the opportunity to share the stage with such wonderful, talented ladies as Jo Boobs, Foxy Tann, and Penny Starr Jr. (Whom I've met on a few occasions, and have a huge admiration for)

In addition to being able to perform with such esteemed burly-girls, I am also crafting my (not-so) famous handmade feather fascinators for the goodie-bags of all our headliners and featured performers.  I'm stoked (and terrified).

SO.  If you happen to be in the Chicagoland area the weekend of July 13-14th, you should REALLY make it a priority to get yourself down to at least one of the showcases of the Windy City Burlesque Fest.  (Hint hint, I'll be performing at 8pm on Friday, the 13th.  Not like you weren't going to figure that out on your own, to come see me.  But now I've done the work for you.)

Big things!

There are some big things brewing in the land of me.  I'm not going to announce the biggest one yet, since the *official* announcement hasn't been released yet, but if you're interested in the burlesque side of the burlesque-dancing photographer, stay tuned.

The other big thing that's coming up is Vaudezilla's next theater show.  We're doing a live band show with our friends from Fatally Cool.  I'm listening to the recorded track of my act literally as we speak, since I need to jump on putting this act together.  I'll be completely honest, I wasn't really pumped to do this, a few weeks ago.  But since we've really fleshed out the concept of the show, and since *I've* really fleshed out the concept of what I want to do within that show, I'm really excited to get it done, and I'm just hoping I can make reality match the thing I have in my head.

Vaudezilla's student showcase

Friday's performance went well.  As I believe I have mentioned, it was Vaudezilla's student showcase, which meant that there were a lot of ladies taking it off (or partially taking it off) for the very first time.  It can be very exciting and refreshing to see so many new faces, especially when they are all so enthused to be performing.

I did not get to watch most of the actual show.  Or... I could have, if I was willing to brave the muggy humidity and unbearable warmth of the bar, but I instead retreated to the cellar office we use as a dressing room, and got a play-by-play from every  relieved newbie.

Sometimes I forget why I perform.  It's very easy to get wrapped up in the minutae of planning this act, fixing that costume, drudging up the money for something new, being pushed toward the next big theater show and its next big theme. I've been very tired of thinking about new acts for awhile.  Not because I don't want to have new acts, mind you.  Because I do.  But I feel like all of this has just been happening so quickly, an inexorable progression toward an endgame that I am increasingly unable to see.

Before I began performing, the road looked fairly straight.  Put together some acts.  Weed out the ones that don't work, cultivate new ones.  Promote yourself.  Get famous.  It obviously helps if you're a) talented, b) driven, or c) both of the above.

The fact is that I'm working on three solo acts, two independent group acts, I'm learning all the Vaudezilla group acts.  And I've got to carve out separate times to work on all these.  I'm starting to think that I've perhaps stretched myself a little too thin.  I think that it's time for me to only worry about the things that I really need to worry about RIGHT NOW.  The rest is going to come.  It will.  But I will say this.  Once I'm done with these three acts, really good and done with them, I'm taking a break.  I'll perform them until I'm blue in the face, but I don't want to think about anything new for awhile.

Shameless self-promotion time!

I've got a show tomorrow night!  If you happen to be within the sound of my voice and think it might be nifty to see a REAL, LIVE BURLESQUE SHOW, you should come out.  This month is our student showcase, highlighting all the hard work of the students of Vaudezilla studios.

And if you're curious as to what you'd be in for in terms of *my* performance... I'll just leave you with this little image.

A new layout and an old video

I decided it was time for a new layout.  Something not too dissimilar, but also something that didn't look like I had designed my blog in 2002.  (I didn't, for the record.)  I like that it's a little sleeker and sharper this time around.

But the real meat of this post is... a video that's a million years old.  Not really.  It's about three months old, actually.  Vaudezilla puts out a monthly podcast, commonly known as Vaudezillavision.  In January, I was given the opportunity to guest host, and I was also able to conduct a mini-segment on constructing hair fascinators.  Have a look at the video. 

Please note that I also offer ready-made as well as made-to-order hair fascinators through my Etsy shop The Raven's Nest. 

A full weekend

I have had one of the most productive weekends, and I cannot wait to share with you.  Now, all of you are probably like "But it's the end of MONDAY, you've certainly waited awhile, yes?" 

No.  I don't work Mondays, so my weekend is still in full swing.  (FOR ANOTHER FOUR HOURS. WOOO)

Let's start with Saturday.  Saturday, I had a shoot for Vaudezilla with the lovely Kriss Abigail.  Myself and a few other Vaudezilla performers trekked out to the Museum of Science and Industry to take some wicked photos. 

Perhaps you would like a teaser from said shoot?
Here you go.

 Many thanks to Kriss for making me look gorgeous, as always. 


Immediately following our shoot, I booked it over to the theater where I work, so that I could open the box office for our performance that night.  Which basically meant, since I am SO GREAT at planning ahead, that I wore the same clothes I was wearing for the photoshoot in the box office all night.  I also may or may not have taken a nap on the floor in the middle of the box office during the show.  Classy.

The majority of Sunday was taken up by a three-hour long choreography workshop at Vaudezilla studios. 
It was epic, and it's really a shame that we're only holding them once a month.  (Although my muscles have no complaints about the lack of frequency.)  Can I just say that I am SO sore?  I had already felt like I was hit by a truck after four hours of running around MSI and posing all day, and THEN standing around the box office for hours, so add a three hour long dance class, and you've basically got muscular mutiny on your hands. 

But the real topper to this weekend was today.  Mmm.  Monday.  (Oh god, I might be the only person who has ever looked forward to a Monday.)
I do all my banking downtown, so I got up this morning and hopped on the train.  I decided that perhaps I would bring my camera downtown with me again, since I wasn't really thrilled with most of the shots I took last week.  So... a little begrudgingly, I packed up my camera, and headed down.  I did all my banking, and was kind of looking for an excuse to not have to shoot... I was walking around down by Millennium Park, and feeling SUPER uninspired, because I like taking photos of all the architecture when I'm in the moment, but when I come home, it all looks very standard and literal and boring, and then I get discouraged, and then...

Anyway.  I was down by Millennium Park, and I realized (after a failed trip into the Chicago cultural center... it was closed.  Because, apparently, it's Kasimir Pulaski day.  What?) that the ice rink was still open.  So I rented some skates and went ice skating for an hour.  Mostly to see if I could still remember how. 
For the record, I did get the hang of it pretty quickly, but the ice was fairly soft, and there were a bunch of folks out there, so I ended up wiping out three times in the same spot.  (I think I was getting stuck in a deeper ice rut)  By the third time, my left knee was pretty banged up, so I decided to grab my stuff and continue my day on foot.

So... I'm wandering away from the park, still without a clue as to where I'm going to go, or do I even feel like shooting? And I'm about to just give up and go get some bao... and then there it was. 

 Where have you been all my life?

So I spent the day concentrating on weird little details.  And the more I looked, the more of them I found.

The preceding might be my favorite shot of the day, and it definitely ranks in the top 10 shots I've ever taken. 

The Monkees' Davy Jones

So, I got the news yesterday that Davy Jones, singer/misc. percussion (come ON guys, you KNOW what I mean by this. :P) for The Monkees, has died. 

What, you may ask yourself, does this have to do with either photography OR burlesque?  Not much, outright.  But here's a little backstory for you.

I fell in love with The Monkees back in... '97?  Maybe?  I was about ten or eleven years old, so that sounds about right.  I didn't know it then, but all the resurgent hubbub for them was a result of their releasing their final- and only fully self-produced studio album Justus.  All I cared about was the TV show.  And the music.  My dad played a Monkees tape (Yes, this *is* how old we are) on the way home from a Tigers baseball game, and that was that.  I was hooked.  They were all over tv that summer, and we taped a bunch of episodes. 

Davy Jones might well have been my first childhood crush.  Granted, he was supplanted exactly fifteen seconds later when my capricious childhood mind decided that Mickey was much cuter.  (I still prefer Mickey, for the record, though I had a phase revolving around each of them.)  Still, for those fifteen seconds, he was the only tiny, British heartthrob in the world to me. 

Fast forward to this Tuesday.  I've been getting very frustrated with the state of my newest burlesque act.  Choreography-wise, it's coming together well.  Intentions-wise, I could be stronger, but that's more an issue of rehearse, rehearse, rehearse than anything else.  But costume-wise?  Eesh.  I haven't got a sparkle on that damn thing, and I've got no money to change that, at least not in the quantity that this particular act requires.  So I dusted off an old idea I've had hanging around. 

Since the inception of my burlesque career, as it were, I've been alternately trying to talk myself into and out of doing an act to The Monkees She Hangs Out.  It's a 2.5 minute long song, which makes it pretty damn short for burlesque, but it's peppy and catchy, and I tend to dance to it even though said dancing makes the record skip horribly.  I just can't help it.  And on Tuesday night, it finally hit me.  I'll throw together a quick shimmy act.  Fringe is dirt cheap compared to Swarovskis, and I'm pretty good at faking all those boppy '60's dance staples like the Pony, the Swim, and, oh, hey, the MONKEY. 

So I shimmied myself sick on Tuesday night.  And when I woke up Wednesday morning and dragged ass to work, I opened up my laptop only to see ten million people on Facebook posting Monkees clips and "RIP Davy" messages.

What the what? 

I have to admit, I'd never guessed that he would be the first to go.  Not least of which because he was the youngest Monkee.  It's still kind of a weird twingey feeling in my gut thinking about it, too.  Despite the fact that it was fifteen seconds of a ten-year-old me's life, Davy Jones was one of my first crushes, and this is the first time someone I've felt "that way" for (inasmuch as a ten year old can feel "that way") has died. 

So... cheers Davy.  I'm still gonna put that act together, and you might just have yourself a dedication.  And... I'll see you on the other side, with that bright orange GTO. 

Goals (Ever-changing)

I figured I'd want to delineate this in a separate post from the previous. Keeps the focus on the list, without it being all bogged down and wordy. Though, knowing me, it will probably get wordy anyway.

I need to keep accountable for all my goals. I often think perhaps I should write them all out and post them all over my life, so I don't forget them, as I am wont to do.

General Goals:
1. (because it is relevant) BLOG! I want to blog. I want the world to know that a sassy burlesque-dancing photographer exists in the world.
2. Get my finances back on track. This is a hard one, because I only make about $12,250 a year, and $8500 of that pays my rent alone. A lot of the following goals are aimed at not only fulfilling me as a person, but also helping to add a little to my wallet.
3. Get my damn Etsy shop back on track. This is a smaller goal for me because, as much as I love crafting, when one's sole motivation is to make money, things tend to become kind of dry and uninspired. And desperate. Once I can shift my focus to making things because I legitimately enjoy how it makes me feel to create (and oh, yeah, I might make some cash on the side...) THEN I can work on this.

Burlesque Goals:
1. Perform more. This sounds stupid, and I give myself a hard time about it because I only have two acts (plus the Christmas act, PLUS the act that's in the works), but I really need to be performing as much as I can.
2. PRACTICE more. Jesus H. I rarely practice outside of class, and that's a big effing problem because I can't afford to take classes anymore. Indefinitely. Perhaps forever. (Not really forever. Everything seems like forever.) I need to cultivate self-reliance as a performer.
3. Finish my nebulously-named third act. All I need are panties and a gun. Seriously. The sparkles are fab, but they can happen slowly. (Oh, and some dot-matrix printer paper. I could use some of that too)
4. GET A DAMN WEBSITE. This costs money. I know. I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll set aside a roll of quarters or something to buy the domain.

Photography Goals: (What's this? AGAIN??)
1. Photograph more. I have FOUR cameras. Four. I can stand to shoot with them once in awhile, yes? The rest of the photography goals will materialize when I stop THINKING about shooting, when I stop TALKING about shooting, and when I actually take the damn things outside and SHOOT.

The Rest:
Yes, I know, I had general goals in the beginning. I'm adding to them now, without going back and muddling everything up.
1. Record a voice reel. SURPRISE! I can sing. Like a motherfucker. I'm... actually not sure what that would sound like, so pretend I never said that. I can sing. I'm a classically trained soprano. I'd like to record a voice reel to go on my WEBSITE! CROSSOVER GOAL!
2. Lose some damn weight. I'm not fat, nor have I ever been. BUT. I was on a nice little roll for awhile. I lost eight pounds, which put me in some pretty good shape. But then the depression was all like "FUCK YOU." and I climbed in bed and ate about fifteen pizzas. So I think I would like to get back to that whole getting up at seven and putting on pants and going for a run thing that I had going on before. You know, in January, when it was minus a million degrees. Because if I could do it then, I can do it now.



I think that's it for now. They change a lot, so I'll be keeping you updated.

There’s a lot of talk in the burlesque community right now about what constitutes a professional.

…Truthfully, I’m not even going to touch that right now, because I’m not a professional. Yet.

But I would like to be.

I have a passion for burlesque as an art form. I remember back when I first started Vixening for Vaudezilla, and even before that, when I saw my first burlesque show. I remember how I ravenously watched each and every act, sucking up the experience like a sponge. Quite frankly, it made me a good Vixen. I watched every layer as it peeled off and hit the floor. From an analytical standpoint, it meant that I never once had to look for someone’s stray stocking or glove.

I began to differentiate. What made good burlesque. Or, maybe, what made burlesque that *I* enjoy. The difference in styles that girls had. The difference between someone who spent hours prepping and polishing and someone who got onstage with a concept, some rhinestones, and a prayer.

Somewhere along the line, it became very mechanical. Very arbitrary. I continued to Vixen because that is what I had always done. By this time, I had worked with Vaudezilla for nearly two years, and I had seen many of my fellow Vixens become performers in their own right. Some, like the lovely Cherry Brandi, became incredible, valued members of Vaudezilla.

And I was still in the same place I was, two years before.

In my defense, there was a lot I had to do before I could be in this place I am now. I was not *ready* for burlesque, and, perhaps, Chicago burlesque was not ready for *me*. A lot has changed since those hazy days of the past, clambering up on Blue Bayou’s bartop to reach a pair of panties.

The first time I attempted to make a change was around this time last year. Vaudezilla, still in it’s state of rapid expansion, was holding auditions for new acts. I threw something together, kind of half-practiced in the bathroom mirror, beaded a bra on my lunch-breaks at my last job, (Health Insurance. I’m sure they were terrified.) and… generally looked like a big idiot. I was painfully nervous. I had this… complex about not being as good as everyone else, even though I had *watched* these people onstage a million times, and I *knew* that I had just as much, if not more, dance training than some, and just as much charisma welling up in me somewhere. If only I could remember where I’d left it…

It was immediately after that, that I completely disappeared from Burlesque. I took a Stage Managing job on top of my day job, which meant that I was working or driving for approximately 16 hours of the day. Every day. I stopped Vixening, partly because I wasn’t asked to very often anymore. I got defensively very angry, because it was easier to say that the higher-ups didn’t like me, than it was to admit that I had made an idiot of myself and that, if I really wanted it, I should have worked harder. I dug deeper into the hole I had been wallowing in for the last several years.

But then, something happened. I took a hiatus from my hiatus. I even called it the hiatus-from-the-hiatus-tour. Because I’m so self-important that the things I do need titles.

I took three burlesque gigs in a row, starting with February BROADZILLA, then jumping straight into the Windy City Burlesque Fest. In addition to Vixening both nights of the festival, I ended up signing up for about 5 workshops over the course of the weekend. My excuse was that I had been so busy and unemployed during the FIRST Windy City Burlesque Fest, the year before, and I had to make up for lost time. The reality was that I was coming back from an extended (nearly six-month) break, free from the arbitrary-ness of my actions, and really ready to ask myself if this was something I wanted. And I mean *really* wanted.

Two things happened. I saw Ammunition for the first time. I only mention this because she combines two of my favorite things: Pyrotechnics and the artful removal of clothing.

But the other thing that happened was that I saw this performance. Watch it. It’s not quite as incredible on Youtube, but these things really never are. I saw Michelle L’Amour perform this act, while crouching in a dark corner, just offstage. She butt-shimmies for over a minute and a half straight. A minute and a half. And her shimmy belt could have been diamonds for all I care. I had that image in my head all weekend, and when I went back to work on Monday, I cried. I cried because that fucking shimmy had destroyed the stone approximation of me, the one that numbly shuffled off to work a normal job and was routinely cut off from the beautiful things in life, and put in its place someone who knew *exactly* what she wanted to do with her life.

That’s when I knew that I was going to be a burlesque dancer. Not *maybe.* Not *someday.* Not *If I’m good enough.*

And I’m only going to go up from here.

I said in the beginning of this post that I’m not a professional. And I’m not. But I will be. Because I’m right here, in America’s heartland, and I’m coming soon to a theater, bar, venue near you.

You know, there is a *serious* lack of burlesque-oriented blogs on Tumblr.

If you are interested in seeing what I do, you can follow me at:

www.ravengemini.tumblr.com

I just want to let you all know that I may or may not have written a two page operetta of sorts, so that I might apply for a scholarship to go back to school.

Ahh, the allure of $100,000.


But, seriously. Not only am I juggling a life I can barely finance as is, I ALSO want to put some money in a hole somewhere and then dig it up next year so that I can go back to school.

WHAT. AM. I. THINKING.


As time wears on, I feel less and less substandard though. I've been reading a lot lately, especially stories about people in my generation, and how there has to be no shame in moving home or working a shitty job, because that's all we have right now. I mean, look at me. Yes, I'm still clinging by my fingernails to my own apartment in the nicest neighborhood in the city. But at what cost? My job doesn't pay me enough, so I fill literally every free moment of every day applying for and going to various studies, focus groups, taking paid surveys, looking for online income supplements, working like hell on my burlesque, if only to scrape together a few more dollars. And I'm donating my eggs. If I make it through all the screening tests.

Because, if I do, that pays my entire credit card off, and I can start from scratch again, with the sigh of relief that is not having to devote a whole hundred dollars to trying to dent it each month.

None of this, mind you, gets me any closer to school. All of this is solely to close the gap between how much I make at my day job, and how much my rent/groceries/utility bills cost. Because I'll let you in on a little secret. I make $200 less per month than the absolute minimum I need to live. We're talking $10 a week for groceries, and I *still* need to work an extra job just to make sure I have that.

The good news? You can take out up to $45,000 in private student loans per year.
The bad news? I might very well need every cent of that, unless I can whip up a good amount of private scholarship cash. Because I know myself, and I know that going to school full time AND working full time will never happen. A part time job will only get me so far.


We'll see what happens.

I am SO BAD at keeping up with this!

I have a good thing going and then, BAM. Don't update for a month. O_o


BUT. I've been a busy little bee in the meantime.
My Etsy Shop has got some fun new items in it. AND I've been commissioned for a custom piece for one of my fellow burly-q girls. I get to finish that up this week and get it on its way to her.


I made my SUPER OFFICIAL burlesque debut at Exit the last friday of July. I did perform a few times before that, twice doing a group act with some of my friends, and once doing my own act... but it was a last-minute thing, I didn't get asked until literally three hours beforehand, because they had a last-minute cancellation.

So, as of today, I've performed my own act three times, and will be performing again on Friday.
My second act is in the works, and it is HELLA frustrating me. I'm broke so I can't get my costume together, my choreography needs SO MUCH HELP.... Blargh. But we'll get through it. We will get through it.


Oh, and I know this is kind of afterthoughty, but the new job is WAY better than the old one. Even if it does only pay half, and leaves me 200 in the hole every month.

I was looking at my blog stats, and apparently, one person from the Czech Republic has viewed my blog.

You know you've made it when... ^_^


In all seriousness, I'm really just here to point you in the direction of

Raven Gemini

Also known as my burlesque alter-ego. I'll eventually have a real website for her. Just like I'll eventually blog on a regular basis. :P

Um... anyway. The whole point of this is to say that I will be performing (in my official DEBUT, no less) this Friday in Chicago. It's going to be fabulous. I'm sure video will be forthcoming.