Into the fire

Well, this is it, kids.  I'm down to my last dollar.  My literal last dollar.  I've been spending an awful lot of time agonizing about what I was going to do once I got to this point, but you know what?  It's not really all that different from anything else I've done so far.

I had my dad ask me if I wanted to be talked up for a 70k-salary job that I'm not really qualified for, if I would just move back to Detroit, and I basically said that A) I'm still more concerned for my mental health than I am my monetary situation, and B) they'll take my body out of Chicago before I leave this city.

Seventy thousand dollars is so much money it almost makes me want to vomit at the thought of how extravagant that is.  Maybe I still have issues determining my self-worth, but I really don't think I'm qualified to make too much more than twenty, regardless of what I'm doing.  Do people really live on more than that?  And what are you supposed to do with it all? 

I'm down to my last dollar, and I'm still sitting in a coffeeshop, editing photos and wondering how I stumbled into working with such wonderful (and unreasonably attractive) actors. 

Is it just me?  Probably. Image (C) Me.  Duh.

I'm sitting in a coffeeshop, paying for my coffee with laundry quarters, and somehow, I'm still managing to fangirl over how stupid cute the gent on the right is.  I didn't think so when we started rehearsals, but people grow on you.  We're finishing up tech and opening the show this coming weekend, and it's been really strange to work on another Equity production.  I didn't think I'd find myself doing Equity theater again, but here we are.

I'm down to my last dollar, and I am going to be fine.  This isn't going to kill me.  The universe provides. 

If you build it... you've just built a thing.

What a post to leave off on, eh?  Since you've last seen me, I've closed one show, finished a run of burlesque performances that other people are saying were my best EVER (which... if that's the case, DAMN, I could be fantastic if I stopped concentrating on being mediocre.), and signed my soul away to one last ride with Provision Theater (we just can't stop abusing each other, let's be honest).  AND I went home to Michigan, to make an appearance at my ONLY high school friend's baby shower.  All in the last two weeks.

I've been a busy bee.  Busy enough that I haven't really been thinking about the big 'ole brick wall that's been plaguing me for months.  The fact is: there are some things that I do that I'm pretty damn good at, but I can't sell them to save my life. 

Case in point:  Photography.  There are PLENTY of mediocre (or worse) photographers out there that rake in a modest income.  There are.  I am lucky enough to be part of a community of REALLY EXCELLENT photographers at the CPC, people who push me and challenge me to be better at what I do, more resourceful, more clever, work harder.  But outside our little circle, there are tons of people who think that having a camera and Photoshop Elements qualifies them to charge a buttload of money to take other people's pictures.  AND PEOPLE PAY IT. 

Where the hell are those people coming from, and how do I reach them?

You're told over and over again that 'if you build it, they will come' (at least, if you're Kevin Costner.  Clearly, I am not.).  But the truth is... if you build it... you've just built this really neat thing.  No guarantee anyone will ever see the really neat thing.  I'm at the point in my journey that I realize that the truth involves a whole heck of a lot more work than that, but I'm completely lost as to where to go from here. 

Shot in the dark:  Anyone out there know what they're doing with marketing/promoting themselves?  My Facebook page should be less neglected, it's true.  But beyond that, I've passed out business cards to everyone I know, I advertise in Vaudezilla's show program (the burly-q community/audience is pretty close to the people I target), I tack up cards in every coffeeshop I visit. 

How do I get more IN YO' FACE about what I do?  How do I convince people that my product is totally worth paying for?

Singing Raven Portraits?

Singing Raven doesn't get a whole lot of opportunity to shoot portraits, but I did shoot a fun, snowy little session with my Mister, Kenneth over Christmas break.

The best shot to come out of that would have to be this one:

He looks so grumpy, but it's just such a striking image. 

Singing Raven Photography

Have I mentioned I take photographs?  Of course I have.  I've beat to death the notion that I am the photographer who doesn't photograph, that there are so MANY reasons why I can't just bugger off and do as I please. 

There really aren't that many reasons.  The biggest one is probably actually depression, which can be significant, but I've been good for a bit, so work's been getting done. 

I take photographs.  Live performances, mostly.  I'd like to shoot bands, but I also do some theater and burlesque work as the need arises.  Comes with the territory of being a burlesque-dancing photographer, whose day job just happens to be for a theater. 

You can check out my photos at www.facebook.com/singingravenphotography

Nifty, yes?

So... it's been awhile.

I had been on a roll here, I think.  If I remember May correctly.  It doesn't seem that long ago, but yet...

I came back and was too starstruck.  I didn't want to drool all over my blog about sexy Germans.
And then I got busy.
And then I got comfortable.


And then I got fired.  So here I am.

I have one more week at work (really, I got laid off, not "pack your stuff" fired.) and I've been trying to put together some sort of plan for my imminent future.

Just what, exactly, am I going to do with myself?

I've been listing the myriad of vintage patterns I've picked up lately on Etsy.  You can check them out at www.etsy.com/shop/ravenwcatz, if you're curious.  Mostly stuff from the 70's and 80's for the time being, but once I've inventoried the lot, there might be some older goodies popping up here or there.

I'm thinking about starting a blog.  Ha ha, you say.  You already have one.  You're writing on it right now.

Let me be more clear.

I'm thinking about blogging.  Having a burlesque blog, one for my photography, and one for these infernal patterns, as I work through and catalog them all.  I think it might be fun to comment on them.  Everything from the evolutionary dead-ends of fashion to finished projects, if I'm so inclined.

I have to remember to apply for unemployment.

I have to remember to register to vote.

Did I mention my birthday is in two weeks?  Yep.

There's a lot going on here, and I hope it doesn't slow down.  Even if I don't have a job in October, it looks like I'll have several gigs lined up that should carry me partway.

Mostly, I can't wait for this week to be over.  Because after that, I won't be obligated to care anymore. 

A (very) personal project

Every once in awhile, I get a brainwave that has nothing to do with how much money I could be making.  It doesn't happen very often anymore, since I live in a constant state of financial desperation, but once in a great while, it occurs to me that there are things that I would like to do, simply because I have a passion to do them.  This is one of those moments.

I was supervising a theater rental last night (I brought Kenneth along with me, bribed with coffee, but that's another story.), and I was remarking about how I had no idea what I wanted to do with myself, as I don't even trust myself enough to know that what I want is really what I want, or is good for me.  I've been continually frustrated by this self-mistrust lately. 

Driving home, I dropped Kenneth off at the train, and took Lakeshore Drive up north.  I rarely drive on LSD, because the traffic can be hellish, and really, it's out of my way, unless I have to drop people off at the train for any reason.  Zipping up the shoreline, I hazarded a glance out at the endless darkness that is Lake Michigan.  And I remembered how much I love the water, and how it's really been nagging at me that I wish I could get out of the city and go spend some time at my family's cottage in northern Michigan. 

And then I remembered a goal I had had when I was about 16 or so.  I had decided that I wanted to photograph all the lighthouses on the Great Lakes.  When I was 16, I decided it would be AWESOME if I could make the whole trip on foot, because then you would really be in tune with all the minutiae of the world and the water.  For the record, I think it would take about a decade to walk around the ENTIRE chain of great lakes.  Thinking about it right now, it would probably be a really cool thing to do by bike, if I wasn't planning on carrying a zillion pounds of gear, or bringing companions.  As it stands, my current hope is to be able to start in Chicago, end in Buffalo, and pass through about ten thousand towns along the way, dead, dying, post-industrial, or resort. 

I want to photograph the lighthouses, yes.  And the lakeboats, and the lake, and the water and the trees and the sky.  But I also want to record a narrative of the midwest.  The Great Lakes region.  Canada and the U.S.  The collective voice of my home, the people who live there.  The history that runs through everything like water.  The whole span of human history, crushing in front of my lens simultaneously. 

I want to take the summation of all my feelings about those woods and that water from my entire life, and I want to express them. 

My end goal is twofold.  I'd love to write a book about the experience, stuffed with shiny, full-color digital photographs of my journey. 

But I'd also like to take the absolute best of the photographs, be it ten or a hundred or seven-hundred-thirty-two, and create prints.  The platinum-palladium prints that I learned in college, that lent such a timeless antiquation to my subjects.  And I'd like to have a gallery exhibition.  I want the narrative of my lakes and my history and my boundless love to be shared, to be known. 

So... I'm going to start researching, with the goal of departing in the summer of 2013, and just being an adventurer for however long it takes.  I need to know a lot of things before I go.  How many lighthouses *are* there?  What else can I plan on visiting?  How much time can I allot in case I find something I *didn't* plan on visiting?  Hotels?  What happens to my apartment?  My cat?  Who wants to come with me, and for how long?  I imagine this journey is going to take the entire summer, at the very least. 

And I don't want to neglect the other part of me either.  I'd love to do some research into the burlesque scene of every major metropolitan area I will pass through on my journey.  I'd love to make my personal journey one where I build bridges in the present-day as well.  And it wouldn't hurt to get paid to perform every once in awhile on my way either. 


I expect this project will be coming, sooner or later, to Kickstarter, in the hopes that I can drum up support for the grandest adventure I've always ached to have. 

A full weekend

I have had one of the most productive weekends, and I cannot wait to share with you.  Now, all of you are probably like "But it's the end of MONDAY, you've certainly waited awhile, yes?" 

No.  I don't work Mondays, so my weekend is still in full swing.  (FOR ANOTHER FOUR HOURS. WOOO)

Let's start with Saturday.  Saturday, I had a shoot for Vaudezilla with the lovely Kriss Abigail.  Myself and a few other Vaudezilla performers trekked out to the Museum of Science and Industry to take some wicked photos. 

Perhaps you would like a teaser from said shoot?
Here you go.

 Many thanks to Kriss for making me look gorgeous, as always. 


Immediately following our shoot, I booked it over to the theater where I work, so that I could open the box office for our performance that night.  Which basically meant, since I am SO GREAT at planning ahead, that I wore the same clothes I was wearing for the photoshoot in the box office all night.  I also may or may not have taken a nap on the floor in the middle of the box office during the show.  Classy.

The majority of Sunday was taken up by a three-hour long choreography workshop at Vaudezilla studios. 
It was epic, and it's really a shame that we're only holding them once a month.  (Although my muscles have no complaints about the lack of frequency.)  Can I just say that I am SO sore?  I had already felt like I was hit by a truck after four hours of running around MSI and posing all day, and THEN standing around the box office for hours, so add a three hour long dance class, and you've basically got muscular mutiny on your hands. 

But the real topper to this weekend was today.  Mmm.  Monday.  (Oh god, I might be the only person who has ever looked forward to a Monday.)
I do all my banking downtown, so I got up this morning and hopped on the train.  I decided that perhaps I would bring my camera downtown with me again, since I wasn't really thrilled with most of the shots I took last week.  So... a little begrudgingly, I packed up my camera, and headed down.  I did all my banking, and was kind of looking for an excuse to not have to shoot... I was walking around down by Millennium Park, and feeling SUPER uninspired, because I like taking photos of all the architecture when I'm in the moment, but when I come home, it all looks very standard and literal and boring, and then I get discouraged, and then...

Anyway.  I was down by Millennium Park, and I realized (after a failed trip into the Chicago cultural center... it was closed.  Because, apparently, it's Kasimir Pulaski day.  What?) that the ice rink was still open.  So I rented some skates and went ice skating for an hour.  Mostly to see if I could still remember how. 
For the record, I did get the hang of it pretty quickly, but the ice was fairly soft, and there were a bunch of folks out there, so I ended up wiping out three times in the same spot.  (I think I was getting stuck in a deeper ice rut)  By the third time, my left knee was pretty banged up, so I decided to grab my stuff and continue my day on foot.

So... I'm wandering away from the park, still without a clue as to where I'm going to go, or do I even feel like shooting? And I'm about to just give up and go get some bao... and then there it was. 

 Where have you been all my life?

So I spent the day concentrating on weird little details.  And the more I looked, the more of them I found.

The preceding might be my favorite shot of the day, and it definitely ranks in the top 10 shots I've ever taken. 

Well, it's a new week, and here I am, back again.  Lucky me, because I work in a theatre, and we run shows all weekend, I have Mondays off, and it's a perk I've quite gotten used to.  Most Mondays, I'm appreciative of getting to run around the world while everyone else (so it seems) is stuck at work.  At the very least, even when I'm so busy trying to catch up from the week prior, I'm still thankful that I at least get to take my paycheck to the bank, instead of having to mail it back to my parents. 

Today is one of those fortunate days.  I had time yesterday to do some catching up, and the class I've been taking on Mondays wrapped up last week.  (That is sadface for other reasons, but for right now, it's a blessing)  I think I'm going to take my cameras (The DSLR and the Holga, as those two are actually functional at the moment) on my weekly trek downtown, and perhaps have a bit of a city-wandering adventure. 

I almost cannot tell you the last time I went out shooting.  As a photographer who does not photograph, but would like to resume photographing in the imminent future, I feel obligated to make that imminent future start as soon as possible.  Like, perhaps, today. 

Lucky for you, that means that I will have pretty photographs to share with you later this week. 

Now, it's getting late in the morning, and time's a-wastin'. 

My cameras, etc.

You've had plenty of time to be introduced to me by now, but one thing you haven't been introduced to is my four (FOUR) cameras. The following pictures don't belong to me, because I'm not about to play round-robin taking pictures of my own cameras on the paisley-esque backdrop of my duvet, but it'll give you a decent idea of what I'm talking about.


First up is my 35mm SLR. It is a Canon Elan II (The photo is actually a Canon Elan IIe, but they're basically the same camera. The IIe has a couple of additional bells and whistles). This is the camera I learned to shoot film with. It's not... the *actual* camera, I borrowed one from a friend of my dad, but I tracked down an identical model on eBay and bought it for my birthday this year. I haven't actually shot with the one I own yet, mostly because I enjoy shooting black and white, but I haven't got access to a darkroom at the moment.



Next up is my Digital SLR. I currently shoot a Canon Rebel T2i. Prior to October of 2010, I shot a Rebel XTi, and I will say that I much preferred it. BUT, it got stolen along with all my other electronics when our house got broken into, so the insurance money bought me a shiny new T2i, and that's what I'm stuck with. I will admit that I would probably like it a lot better if I would just use it enough to get used to the differences between the old model and this newer one. Fun fact: This camera, like it's predecessor, has been named Graeme, as in Graeme Edge, the drummer from the Moody Blues. (My computer is John C, as a mashup of John Lodge of the Moody Blues and the John C. Lodge freeway, indicating my childhood in Metro Detroit, and my car is Justin, as in Justin Hayward, also of the Moody Blues. ^_^ But I digress.)


Next up is the camera I lovingly refer to as PPOS (Plastic Piece of S#*$). It is a Holga 120N. Unlike every hipster I have ever met, I did not shell out over a hundred bucks for this thing, and I kind of think you're an idiot if you did. Sorry. I purchased mine in the middle of the desert (a couple miles outside Santa Fe, to be exact), for $25, AND they threw in five rolls of film and a book for free. I shoot slides and medium-format color film on this thing, depending on what I can get my hands on. I have a fascination with cross-processed slides, so if I can get slide film, I'm all over that.
Last but not least, my newest toy, the Kodak Brownie Target Six-20. This thing is literally made out of cardboard and tin. Manufactured between 1946 and 1952. (Yes, I realize that's not a complete sentence, but I kind of lost control of the thought before it completed itself.) I do have a roll of modified 120 film in this thing at the moment, but I need to pry it apart in the darkroom and figure out what I did wrong, as I've managed to jam the whole thing up. Before I can do that, I need to buy a latch for my closet door, because when I say "darkroom", I mean "closet" and, unfortunately, my cat knows how to open the door.

So... those are my cameras. You'd be enthused about photography too if you got to carry around a box made of cardboard and tin and hear it's little shutter go snappy-snappy.

Goals (Ever-changing)

I figured I'd want to delineate this in a separate post from the previous. Keeps the focus on the list, without it being all bogged down and wordy. Though, knowing me, it will probably get wordy anyway.

I need to keep accountable for all my goals. I often think perhaps I should write them all out and post them all over my life, so I don't forget them, as I am wont to do.

General Goals:
1. (because it is relevant) BLOG! I want to blog. I want the world to know that a sassy burlesque-dancing photographer exists in the world.
2. Get my finances back on track. This is a hard one, because I only make about $12,250 a year, and $8500 of that pays my rent alone. A lot of the following goals are aimed at not only fulfilling me as a person, but also helping to add a little to my wallet.
3. Get my damn Etsy shop back on track. This is a smaller goal for me because, as much as I love crafting, when one's sole motivation is to make money, things tend to become kind of dry and uninspired. And desperate. Once I can shift my focus to making things because I legitimately enjoy how it makes me feel to create (and oh, yeah, I might make some cash on the side...) THEN I can work on this.

Burlesque Goals:
1. Perform more. This sounds stupid, and I give myself a hard time about it because I only have two acts (plus the Christmas act, PLUS the act that's in the works), but I really need to be performing as much as I can.
2. PRACTICE more. Jesus H. I rarely practice outside of class, and that's a big effing problem because I can't afford to take classes anymore. Indefinitely. Perhaps forever. (Not really forever. Everything seems like forever.) I need to cultivate self-reliance as a performer.
3. Finish my nebulously-named third act. All I need are panties and a gun. Seriously. The sparkles are fab, but they can happen slowly. (Oh, and some dot-matrix printer paper. I could use some of that too)
4. GET A DAMN WEBSITE. This costs money. I know. I'll figure it out. Maybe I'll set aside a roll of quarters or something to buy the domain.

Photography Goals: (What's this? AGAIN??)
1. Photograph more. I have FOUR cameras. Four. I can stand to shoot with them once in awhile, yes? The rest of the photography goals will materialize when I stop THINKING about shooting, when I stop TALKING about shooting, and when I actually take the damn things outside and SHOOT.

The Rest:
Yes, I know, I had general goals in the beginning. I'm adding to them now, without going back and muddling everything up.
1. Record a voice reel. SURPRISE! I can sing. Like a motherfucker. I'm... actually not sure what that would sound like, so pretend I never said that. I can sing. I'm a classically trained soprano. I'd like to record a voice reel to go on my WEBSITE! CROSSOVER GOAL!
2. Lose some damn weight. I'm not fat, nor have I ever been. BUT. I was on a nice little roll for awhile. I lost eight pounds, which put me in some pretty good shape. But then the depression was all like "FUCK YOU." and I climbed in bed and ate about fifteen pizzas. So I think I would like to get back to that whole getting up at seven and putting on pants and going for a run thing that I had going on before. You know, in January, when it was minus a million degrees. Because if I could do it then, I can do it now.



I think that's it for now. They change a lot, so I'll be keeping you updated.

It's a big 'ole life update.

Whee!

So. A lot has happened in the past couple of weeks. A few weeks ago, I was super gung-ho about going back to school. I was going to do another Bachelors' for Fashion Design and Photography. Now... I'm not.

And before you go all "why's she so wishy-washy?" I'll fill you in on my logic.

Last weekend, Columbia college had their annual open house. I went, because I wanted to get the scoop on their programs. The first thing I learned: I fucking love Columbia. Their facilities are amazing, and I would kill to have access to their darkrooms.

The second thing I learned: That I'm WAY more excited about the possibility of shooting and developing my photography than I ever was about fashion.
It's one thing to be fashion-conscious, and to have an interest in the way clothes are constructed, and it's another thing altogether to be thrown into a fashion program.
On the other hand, I got really excited when I could smell the photo chemicals. It was a very familiar atmosphere. And it reminded me why I do stupid shit like compulsively buy cameras, and why I spent a summer afternoon hosing 20 year old darkroom equipment off in my backyard. I really love the process of creating a photograph. I love shooting film and digital equally, but when it comes to physical prints, I prefer traditional printing methods hands-down. If you shoot digitally and print digitally, the whole process is mechanized, and I think there is a coldness to that. But if you print in a darkroom, and your hands are in the chemicals and the paper's in the chemicals and everything is stewing together, you made that thing out of love and human touch, and it becomes a very vital, living object. It becomes a part of you, and you are a part of the art.

Lastly, I've spent the last week kind of stewing over and thinking about the next steps for me. Unlike fashion, Photography can be taught effectively outside the collegiate environment. I don't *need* that degree to progress. It's possible to get enough training and build a portfolio, as well as distilling what I want out of the process, either on my own, or without dropping the $70 thousand for another BA. So I'm looking at a certificate program with the Chicago Photography Center. It's pretty close to my house, and the whole program is three thousand. It would shore up my skills in the darkroom after three or four years of not using them, give me a quick and dirty intro to editing and printing digitally, teach me the basics of Photoshop, and afford me a (somewhat more limited than academically offered) range of electives I could take to broaden my expertise.


The only thing missing from that equation is the wealth of 19th century photographic processes that I'm interested in learning. Those, unlike gelatin-silver and digital processes, I will have to learn on my own. Color photography, I might have to seek special instruction in, since it's so damn difficult and precise. (The actual developing and printing process, that is)

So... that's where I'm at. It's a lot less money, and a good bit less time to invest. And if I think getting a degree is still a good idea at the end of it, then I can always apply to an MFA program with my newly updated and condensed portfolio.