Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Thinking out loud

In the glow of having a zOMG NEW BLOG, (and having never had one before) I've been spending a fair bit of time cruising around, checking out other people's blogs, looking at the things other people do, the goals they have, and what they write about. And I've discovered a few things.

1) the idea of having babies is completely foreign to me, and runs contrary to my instincts.
This has nothing to do with my main point, but, it's still valid. I just don't understand the need to have babies. (Ok, I understand the need to have babies. But... there are seven or eight billion people on this planet, humanity will get along just fine without my particular offspring.)

2) My goals are starting to solidify.
I don't really know how I stumbled to the conclusion that I wanted what I want. I was just horribly depressed and suddenly chickens sounded like a good idea. They don't require a fabulous amount of space, they provide you with fresh eggs, and they're fun to watch. But at the same time, I have a career I've worked toward. Stage Management is fulfilling for me. That misplaced mother instinct (as evidenced by numero eins up there) rests on my actors instead. I want nothing more than to care for my company, and serve them well during whatever production I might be working on. Lastly, I have one very rewarding hobby, and I'm working at developing a few more. Burlesque is rewarding to me. There's nothing like spending the evening in the company of women who are beautiful simply because they believe they're beautiful. I'm cultivating a stamina for knitting, I'd like to do the same for sewing. I'd like to be able to make good quality things for myself and for others, someday.

And I don't think that I should have to pick and choose my dreams. I don't understand why I can't get up in the morning, feed my chickens, work during the day at making things for others, then spend my nights alternately keeping the stage or taking my clothes off. I don't understand why living in a city means I have to be content with what the Jewel offers me to eat. Why can't I sustain myself? It's becoming more of a question of sustaining myself, nourishing myself, not only with good, fresh foods, but also with stimulating activity, things that interest me and energize me.

So my goals are becoming clearer. Now I get to start the research. I'm a city girl, living in Chicago, but a Detroit expat. I know nothing about crop rotation, or what I could even put in the space I'll likely have. I will need to learn how to be creative with space. I'll need to learn to use what I have, instead of ignoring it in the name of "whatever I feel like." I need to learn to depend on myself.

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