Wednesday, October 26, 2011


I'm busy!

Whee busy!

Busy is good, right? Sort of? Maybe?

Some of the busy is good. I guess that's all I can ask for at this point.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

So... here I am again. Another workday at a desk, struggling to stay awake, much less do anything productive. The phone is silent.

I, for once, am not alone. Doubtless, they probably think I'm hard at work on something. Well... that's partially correct, I guess.

I just don't know how I got so far away from the things I wanted. I don't know how I've just sat complacent and waiting, and not screaming or setting the house on fire, or burning it all away, until there's nothing left but the real, vital me.

It's like there's something underneath my skin, and it's crawling constantly, telling me that this isn't the life I need to be leading. That I'm wasting my time. I only have so much, and I'm letting it all slip away on a wisp of a breeze. I was 19, and I blinked, and here I am, 25, and still no plan, no... nothing. A shell. A husk in the city, with no way to be happy.

I'm not happy, and I'm not even sure I know that all these grandiose plans I have for next year will help. I'm unhappy sitting here at this desk, day after day, accepting minimum wage. I'm unhappy looking at how useless my Etsy shop is. I'm unhappy that, most days, I can't muster the energy to work on anything, keeping my costumes in good shape, researching the possibility of my next degree, making sure I'm well fed. Going for a goddamn walk and not taking the city for granted.

I'm losing so much, blind to so much. I can't see it anymore. The city that I fought and died for, it's not here. I want to go home, and walk along my lakeshore, and feel the sand under my feet. I want to hold my camera again. I want the crunch of fall leaves and the color and the freezing breezes calling me off the lake and home. I want to live that. I don't want to worry about money. I want enough. I'm not asking for a fortune, though the fame wouldn't be so bad. I just want enough. Enough to go out to eat every once in awhile. Enough to keep my clothes looking new. Enough to climb in my car and not worry about running out of gas before I get to where I'm going.

I don't need to live extravagantly, I just want to live well. I want to be able to indulge sometimes without feeling the insane, nagging guilt. I want to know where my energy and will to live went, and why it's been gone so long. Somewhere along the line, I had convinced myself that Mike Moody had it, and if he came back, I would be just the same, but he's here and gone again, and I never found it. And I'm starting to wonder if I just lost it, and I'll never get it back. The will.

I want to pack my car, or maybe just get on my bike, and ride til I fall over. North. All the way up. Through Wisconsin, and into Canada. Me and the camera. I just want to lose everyone for awhile. Stop looking at the concrete and glass for just long enough that when I come back, I'll appreciate it all again.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

long and rambly

Hey kids,

Yet another day, here in the city. So... I found this site called WePay, which is kind of like Kickstarter, but you can use it to raise money for anything. Like... begging people to pay for you to go to school.

This is my shameless self-promotion, by the way.

...Anyway, I posted this to Facebook, and, as fast as you can blink, I had a page-long rant from the lawyer-brother of a friend of mine, someone I barely know. It basically boiled down to "Ooh, look at the poor, privileged, upper-middle-class American white girl, thinking she's got it SO BAD, and panhandling! Why don't you just take out loans, like the rest of us?"

First off, I'm planning to, asshole. But bear this in mind. the 100,000 plus dollars in loans I'll need? You, Mr. Lawyer, make that in a year. You'd pay those loans off in about five. *I*, on the other hand, make $15,000 a year, and, after expenses, it would take me about fifty years to pay them off. If my aunt Milly sees me on Facebook, and throws a hundred bucks my way, don't you think that's going to make my life a little easier?

Urgh. I'm a lot less mad about it now, but it was pretty bad when I was at work and smoke was billowing out my ears. Seriously, I don't seriously believe that utter strangers are going to fund my education. But my family might help. And also, if you take that much offense to something, instead of poking the hornet's nest, just GO THE FUCK AWAY. I'm not asking YOU for a handout, just move along. How hard is it to keep your opinion to yourself and just go on your way?

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

For the record...

I'm not usually as depressing or bitter as I've seemed lately. I've been in a rough patch. Which will just continue to be a rough patch until I miraculously become famous for something.


Carry on.

Random fact

Apparently, the search keyword that most often directs folks to this blog is "ravenwcatz straight"

...which basically infers that the ENTIRE UNIVERSE is curious about my sexual orientation.


Probably not really, right?

I've been having some killer days here. Simultaneously shirking the work I'm supposed to be doing, getting horribly frustrated with the new act I'm working on (for Hallowe'en, oh my god, kill me), and eating everything in the whole world.

Apparently I do that. Eat everything in the world. Because I'm trying to retain SOME measure of control in a life that has absolutely no certainty. No idea when I'll be able to purchase food again, not sure I'll have the money to pay my rent next month, DROWNING in my desire to be able to spend TWO CENTS on a thing that I WANT, instead of being conditioned to want only the most basic necessities. So I respond by eating an entire pan of brownies, because I want a brownie, goddamn it, and who knows when I'll get one again?

Probably not a good thing to do, but at least I'm aware about it now. One more thing I'm going to have to try and control.

I'm so goddamn sick of being poor. I've gotten to the point where, it's three days from my birthday (25, holy god, how did we get here?), and all I can think is how I don't want any presents, because, though I WANT all sorts of fun things, I feel guilty asking for THINGS, when I *should* be asking my parents to just give me money that I can spend paying off my credit card, so that, maybe, in six months, if I've managed to pay the whole thing off, I'll have enough money to actually get the $10 I budget for groceries into the grocery store each week, instead of needing it to pay for other things.

And I'm bitter, because about 6 or 8 years ago, my grandma bought one of my cousins a CAR when she was in all sorts of financial trouble, but the last help I got was a card about two years ago with a ten dollar bill in it. Like... I realize that I'm the one people tend to pretend doesn't exist, or doesn't need help, but... I kind of do.

I mean, yes. I will ultimately still spend each and every cent I have on dollies, burlesque bling, and junk food. But at least I won't be selling pieces of my body to do it, right? And the burlesque stuff is an investment. I'll get that back one day.

I just feel guilty because I'm 25, one of the few unmarried cousins left, my dad keeps sneaking me money, which I know my parents don't really have... My parents are getting old, and I want my dad to be able to retire and I want my parents to be financially secure. I always figured I'd be paying them back by now. But I don't have a husband to help me out, and my extended family spends a lot of time pretending that, because I live in a different state, I just don't exist. And that leaves my dad to help support me.

And I guess that's just the way it's going to be for now. I don't know what else to do.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Hi to whomever was reading my blog from Latvia.