Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Random fact

Apparently, the search keyword that most often directs folks to this blog is "ravenwcatz straight"

...which basically infers that the ENTIRE UNIVERSE is curious about my sexual orientation.


Probably not really, right?

I've been having some killer days here. Simultaneously shirking the work I'm supposed to be doing, getting horribly frustrated with the new act I'm working on (for Hallowe'en, oh my god, kill me), and eating everything in the whole world.

Apparently I do that. Eat everything in the world. Because I'm trying to retain SOME measure of control in a life that has absolutely no certainty. No idea when I'll be able to purchase food again, not sure I'll have the money to pay my rent next month, DROWNING in my desire to be able to spend TWO CENTS on a thing that I WANT, instead of being conditioned to want only the most basic necessities. So I respond by eating an entire pan of brownies, because I want a brownie, goddamn it, and who knows when I'll get one again?

Probably not a good thing to do, but at least I'm aware about it now. One more thing I'm going to have to try and control.

I'm so goddamn sick of being poor. I've gotten to the point where, it's three days from my birthday (25, holy god, how did we get here?), and all I can think is how I don't want any presents, because, though I WANT all sorts of fun things, I feel guilty asking for THINGS, when I *should* be asking my parents to just give me money that I can spend paying off my credit card, so that, maybe, in six months, if I've managed to pay the whole thing off, I'll have enough money to actually get the $10 I budget for groceries into the grocery store each week, instead of needing it to pay for other things.

And I'm bitter, because about 6 or 8 years ago, my grandma bought one of my cousins a CAR when she was in all sorts of financial trouble, but the last help I got was a card about two years ago with a ten dollar bill in it. Like... I realize that I'm the one people tend to pretend doesn't exist, or doesn't need help, but... I kind of do.

I mean, yes. I will ultimately still spend each and every cent I have on dollies, burlesque bling, and junk food. But at least I won't be selling pieces of my body to do it, right? And the burlesque stuff is an investment. I'll get that back one day.

I just feel guilty because I'm 25, one of the few unmarried cousins left, my dad keeps sneaking me money, which I know my parents don't really have... My parents are getting old, and I want my dad to be able to retire and I want my parents to be financially secure. I always figured I'd be paying them back by now. But I don't have a husband to help me out, and my extended family spends a lot of time pretending that, because I live in a different state, I just don't exist. And that leaves my dad to help support me.

And I guess that's just the way it's going to be for now. I don't know what else to do.

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