Tuesday, February 21, 2012

When you fall off the horse...

You get back on. And then fall off again. And then get back on again.

Granted, I will only cop to having fallen off an actual horse once. But. Here I am again, after a long absence, and it pains me, because I just keep being too lazy, and then making excuses, and then being too lazy, and then making excuses.

So. Where am I now? Much in the same place I was when we left off. Crazy poor, still in Chicago. Hanging on to my nice apartment and my shill of a life by an absolute thread. Perpetually running after that one last gig. And perpetually trying to run away from my day job. One day, I'll figure it all out, I swear. And when I do, those few of you that are here in the beginning will be able to say "I knew that crazy son-of-a- when she was still saying 'I wish'."

I'm going to try and be here more often. I know, "WOLF." I've said it before, but I'm serious. I think I need to try posting every day. Even if I only have some stupid garbage to say. I feel like this will be important one day.

So, here I am. The burlesque dancer who is terrible at practicing. The photographer who doesn't photograph. The girl who spent her whole life chasing the feeling of being alive, only to realize she's been too busy chasing a feeling to actually live.

Also, I'm broke. Legitimately, this time. I had saved a bunch of money to take photography classes later this year and, guess what? It's paying my rent instead, because I don't have anything else.

And. I spend a good deal of my time fighting the lovely one-two punch that is depression and anxiety. Which probably goes a long way to explain why I spend so much time in absentia. I spend about that much time in a catatonic state suspended somewhere between terror and utter nothingness.

So, there are a couple of walls to scale. But I'm optimistic. Today. Today I am optimistic. We'll see about tomorrow.

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