Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Sometimes you stumble

I'm going to start this post on a high note, because it's only going to cascade downhill from here.  Even if I don't write a single post after today, I will have written more this year than I ever have in the history of my blog.  I don't have any alcohol to toast with (Oh.  I have those tiny bottles of Sutter Home, or whatever.  Classy.), so I'll toast you with a pizza pretzel Combo instead.  Mmmm.

Sometimes, I start to wonder if this whole racket was worth it.  Leaving the day job, floating through six months of unemployment, only to crash hard with no end in sight.  I wonder if I might not have been better off with the daily panic attacks and the flickery fluorescent lights and the promise of an occasional paycheck. 

And... I hope one day that I will look back on these late night moments of doubt, dejectedly stuffing my face with processed cheese product and glorified wine coolers, and laugh at my lack of foresight.  I do. 

But in the moment, all I can think of is how I've utterly run out of ideas.  I don't know what else to strip out of my lifestyle, what more I can cut back on, what else I can sell.  All I can think of is how much of a burden I am on everyone I know.  Kenneth.  My parents.  I'd be a burden on them regardless.  Either they have to finance my idiot degenerate life here, or they have to put up with my being at home. 

I don't want to sell my Japanese dolls.  I paid too much for them, and the market's bottoming out, and I'd never get back what I paid.  The majority of my clothes are still from undergrad, so I can't really sell any of them.  I'm practically begging people to pay $50 or $100 for photos, and I haven't gotten one. single. bite.  Not one. 

I don't know what else to do.

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