God dammit

Megan has a crush on a Burlesque god...

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 14

Refer to this post for an introduction.

(Minas Tirith, one month since the battle for the freedom of Middle Earth.  Aragorn’s Coronation. Gandalf is in the process of crowning Aragorn, Frederic and Dinah are off in a corner somewhere, making out.  A bottle of the finest vintage second-age wine is in Frederic’s hand.  (Check E-Thilien dot com for a store near you!)  Faramir and Eowyn are holding hands, together at last.  Eomer, however is standing about an arm’s length away, being held back (unknowingly) by the ghost of Boromir.)

Eomer: (Struggling madly) What is this?  Why can’t I move?

Faramir: (Grinning)  Must be those imaginary dragons… (Leans over and kisses Eowyn)

Eomer:  (Makes no sound, as Boromir is covering his mouth) ABSTINENCE!!!

Eowyn:  WHERE do you hear such LIES?   I’m wearing a chastity belt.

Eomer: (visibly relaxes)

(Obi-Wan is holding Peppy, his mouth duct-taped shut.  He is bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, giving Qui-Gon puppy dog eyes.  Qui-Gon is grinning from ear to ear, a slightly evil, but satisfied expression on his face.  Théoden-king, meanwhile is nearby, sitting astride Shadowfax. He is in a daze, the Palantir in one hand, rocking back and forth, and licking it absentmindedly. Arwen is standing behind the standard (That’s a flag, for those of us with small vocabularies)  She is wearing a rather fetching green dress, and shooting dirty looks at Legolas.  (He did, after all, ruin that lovely pink ensemble of hers…)  Elrond is standing in front of the standard, a look of madness on his face, looking as though he is about to start frothing at the mouth.  Every few seconds he turns with lightning speed to the surrounding people, hissing “Don’t touch my daughter”  with a ferocious growl. His left eye is twitching.  SG-1 and King Arthur and his knights are in a far corner, away from the action, eyeing each other apprehensively.  High above, Teal’c is riding his Fell Beast, tossing flower petals into the air to rain down onto the guests.  Darth Vader is standing relatively near where Gandalf is crowning Aragorn.  Yoda is sitting on his shoulders, and both are eating peanuts.  Yoda has a balloon.  Darth Vader has a gigantic stuffed green flamingo tucked under his arm.  Lastly, Sam and Frodo are standing among the throng, weeping openly at the joy of the occasion.)

(Gandalf finishes the ceremony, and Aragorn, newly crowned, turns to face the crowds.  As he does so, Faramir (in place of Boromir) Legolas, and Gimli approach him and kneel.)

Faramir:  My lord Aragorn, let it be known that you will always have my sword…

Legolas:  And my bow…

Gimli: AND MY AXE… (Looks about for approval)

(Merry and Pippin nod and applaud.)

Steve: (Taking cue from Merry and Pippin, cheering enthusiastically)  COME ON EVERYONE!!! CHEER FOR YOUR KING! 

Pippin: (Before everyone else can begin cheering) HE’S NOT DEAD!

Everyone:  (Following suit) HE’S NOT DEAD!  HE’S NOT DEAD!  HE’S NOT DEAD!

Eomer:  (Completely on his own with this one) ABSTINENCE!  ABSTINENCE!  ABSTINENCE!

(Suddenly, Denethor walks in, Whiskers in one arm.  He is wearing Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian print shirt, a wide brimmed straw hat, and rather large sunglasses.  He is carrying two rather heavy suitcases.  Complete silence descends on the crowd.) 

Denethor:  Gee, Aragorn, thanks for sending me on that vacation.  The Bahamas were great, it was really nice to get away from the responsibilities of the Stewardship.  I would have stayed longer, but, you know, I just couldn’t wait to get back to my city, and my citadel, and my throne, and my… (stops, eyeing spectacle, especially Faramir, kneeling before Aragorn)  MY ONLY SON!!!!  (Advances on Faramir, who is now cowering under his scorched rug.)  FARAMIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  Pledging your allegiance to this Ranger from the north, LONG BEREFT OF LORDSHIP…

Gandalf:  Maybe we should take this inside…

(Cut to:  the inner chambers of the citadel)

Legolas:  Aragorn!  Go sit on the throne!  Try it out! See what it’s like to be KING of Gondor!  (Practically jumping up and down with glee.)

Denethor: (Grumbling incomprehensibly)

Faramir: What’s the matter, Father, feeling left out?  Go sit on your throne… (grinning)

(Denethor stamps to throne and flops into it.)

Aragorn:  So… how’s the weather down there?

(No reply)

Aragorn: Uhh… how were the Bahamas?  Nice place?

Denethor: RRRRR (Growling like a mad pit bull)

Aragorn:  I… uhhh… made your son the Prince of Ithilien…

Denethor:  You made my son the prince of a WEBSITE?

Aragorn:  Ithilien, not E-Thilien.

Denethor:  Oh, well then… YOU GAVE MY SON A HIGHER RANK THAN ME??

Aragorn:  You still get to be Steward…

Theoden-King:  (Still in a daze)  MMM…

Denethor:  (Spies Theoden-King.)  THEODEN!  IT WAS YOU ALL ALONG!  YOU LICKED THE PALANTIR!!!

Theoden-King: (coming out of daze, and quickly stowing Palantir in cloak)  I did not!

Denethor: Oh, to Mordor with you.  I need a drink.  FREDERIC!!! Bring me a bloody Mary… with a tomato slice on the glass!  Oh, and make sure those are the good tomatoes.  The ones for the special occasions!  The ones that just make you want to… (Drifts into fond reminiscence)

Eowyn: (approaching Faramir with a tray) Here, Faramir.  I’ve baked you a batch of my special Ranger cookies for the occasion.

Aragorn:  (Leaning over to Faramir, whispering) Don’t eat them…

Faramir: (looks at tray containing grotesque looking blackened cookies)  Uhh… maybe later, Eowyn.

Aragorn: (Approaches Elrond, who is now foaming at the mouth and shaking, much like a raccoon with rabies) Uhh… sir, I would like to ask your permission to marry your daughter…

Elrond: (Straightening up and looking entirely sane and normal)  I give you my blessing then, Elessar. 

Legolas: NOOOOO!!! I LOVE YOU ARAGORN!

Aragorn:  What?  Are you drunk again?

Legolas:  The imaginary dragons made me do it!

Boromir’s Ghost:  Hehehehe….

(The party continues until late in the night.  People are socializing, and Obi-Wan is fluttering about like a butterfly on Speed, telling everyone the story of how he found his socks… again)

Obi-Wan: …And then I turned around and there were 12 angry weasels following me, and so I jumped into a ditch and there were spiders so I screamed “Eew! Spiders!”  and I crawled out again, and then I ducked under this really old tree, and ran around and around and around and around, and then I got so dizzy that I fell down, and I think I almost threw up, but I didn’t throw up, so I got up again, and started running but then I tripped over a rock and I skinned my knee, and when I looked down to see what was wrong, I found my socks again!  They were on my feet the whole time!

Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan… have you been snorting pixie stix again?

Obi-Wan: Nooo. (Looks up innocently)

Harry Potter:  (In his one, single shameless cameo)  ACCIO PIXIE STIX!  (Two seconds later, he is buried in a mound of pixie stix.  The only part of him visible is his wand hand, still clutching his wand.) Ugghhhh… 

Qui-Gon:  (Glaring at Obi-Wan, who is looking back at him with an innocent grin)

(The massive crowds disperse, leaving only our intrepid heroes.)

Denethor:  So… who’s hungry?

(Everyone raises their hands.)

Denethor: Off to Burger Steward then! 

Theoden-King and Aragorn:  It’s Burger KING.

Denethor:  Oh, fine.  But I get White Castle!

(As the group sets off for Burger King and White Castle, Col. O’Neill looks around, shrugging.)

O’Neill:  Well, at least we didn’t DIE.

(At that moment, a crazed chocolatier pops out of a bush.  It is WONKA.  He shoots them all with Nerds, then runs off, laughing maniacally.  There are no survivors.)

The end.

Just Kidding!

(They live happily ever after, and ride off into the sunset, toward White Castle and Burger King… I mean… Burger Steward… I mean…)

The end.

Damn Straight.

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 13

Refer to this post for an introduction. 

(Just inside Mordor.)

Samwise the Brave: (Consults HOOM maps)  Bear east-north-east toward Orodruin… Well, we did that.  So I guess the next step would be… Climb up cracks of Doom. 

Frodo:  (hisses) The eye… It’s on me, I can see it with my waking eyes.  And the ring is so heavy, Sam, how are we ever going to make it?

(Frodo hasn’t even finished his question when Teal’c swoops out of the sky, picks up Frodo, Sam and Gollum/Smeagol, and flies off to Mount Doom.  There, Frodo chucks ring, with just a wee bit of difficulty, into the volcano.  Anguished, Gollum/Smeagol falls to his death as well, after riding the invisible Frodo.  Can’t you just envision it?  Of course you can’t, Frodo is invisible!!! HA HA HA.)

(Fall back to Minas Tirith)

Carter:  (Staring bewildered at her CO.)  Uhh… sir, how did you do that?

O’Neill:  Do what?  (Cap is back on head.  White sneakers are now mysteriously gone.)

Carter:  …Nothing sir.  But do you mind taking off your hat?

O’Neill: My hat?  Carter, what’s gotten into you?

Carter:  Sir, please.

O’Neill: (exasperated sigh) Fine. (removes hat.  Hair is regulation length, not to mention SILVER.)

Carter:  …Thank you sir… (bewildered)

Denethor: Qui-Gon, the battle’s over, LOWER ME DOWN!

Qui-Gon:  (sigh)  fine… (Lowers Denethor from pinnacle of the city.  Perhaps a bit too quickly at the end, as Denethor slams into the ground with a nasty –whump-)

Denethor: (scurrying towards Faramir)  MY SON!!! (weeping openly and throwing himself on the body of his son)

Eowyn:  That’s my job!  (struggling as Eomer drags her away)

Denethor:  My son… if only you would open your eyes one more time!  I never told you this, but you were always my favorite son!  Even more than BOROMIR!!!

Boromir’s Ghost: Buh!  Buhbuh!!! (stammers incoherently)

Denethor:  I know you weaseled your way out of the sword lessons, and the baking lessons, and everything else, but I let you get away with it.  I wanted to keep you here, protect you.  I never wanted to see you hurt, and now you’re… DEAD!

Pippin:  (Running across Pelennor Fields)  HE’S NOT DEAD!! HE’S NOT—

(Stopped by Frederic, who has caught up, now both stand behind bereaved Denethor.)

Frederic: Shhh… (whispers)  Wait for it--

Denethor: I know I’ve been harsh on you, but it’s only because I LOVE YOU!!!

Faramir:  (groggily, opening eyes)  Wh—What?

Denethor:  Nothing. (stands up and brushes off robes.)

Frederic:  He said he loves you.

Denethor:  I did not!  Frederic, you’re FIRED!

Frederic:  No I’m not, you love me too.

(Frederic waltzes away, drunkenly.  Pippin finds himself in a happy reunion with Merry, and Eowyn breaks free of Eomer’s grip.  She throws herself at Faramir.)

Eomer: ABSTINENCE!!!

(Enter Steve, he is wheeling a cart around Pelennor Fields)

Steve: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD! 

            BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!

            BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!

Denethor: (Turns toward noise.  In the process, nearly trips over Aragorn, whom Legolas is still trying to drag away.) Is that… Aragorn, son of Arathorn, lying there, dead at my feet?  (Devious thoughts)

Steve: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!

            BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!

Denethor: I’ve got one!  I’ve got one here! (Attempts to lift a now semiconscious Aragorn)

Aragorn: (Groggily) But… I’m not dead.

Denethor: Yes you are, you’ll be dead in a minute.

Aragorn:  No, really I’m fine.

Denethor: You’re not fooling anyone you know.

Aragorn: (Struggling feebly)  I think I’ll go for a walk…

Denethor:  Oh no you don’t.  You’ll be dead any time now.

Aragorn:  I FEEL HAPPEEEEEE!!!!!

(Gandalf runs out just in time to stop Denethor from giving Aragorn a nasty smack upside the head.)

Gandalf: STAY THIS MADNESS!

Legolas: Damn Straight.

Gandalf: Denethor, what were you doing?

Denethor: Nothing…

(Frederic perks up, and begins trotting back over)

Denethor: (Flailing) I WAS TRYING TO GET RID OF ARAGORN! FREDERIC, YOU’RE FIRED!

Frederic: (singsong) No I’m not…  But you are!  Aragorn’s the King now!

Denethor: WHY YOU— (Rushes Frederic)

Faramir: (while being smothered by Eowyn)  Father… Don’t fling yourself off any precipices… or whatever…

Gandalf: HOLD!  I don’t know how I know this, but… THE RING HAS BEEN DESTROYED.  Middle Earth is free once more.

Frederic: Break out the wine!

(End of part XIII)  (OOO, Unlucky thirteen!  What are you gonna do?  Cry to your mommy?  (Wanders under ladder and trips, breaking a mirror in the process.  Black cat streaks across crumpled form.)  Not a word.  Not one word…)