Monday, May 19, 2014

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- an introduction.

Years ago, before we were jaded adults, my undergrad roommate and I donned the mantle of "The Rangers of E-Thilien" and had bunches of fun running around as this mysterious double-entity and writing hilarious crossover fanfiction.  I'm going to share that with you, but you'll need an introduction first. 

The Ultimate Waste of Time

A fic by: The Rangers of E-Thilien

Disclaimer:  Don’t own, never will, just playing for the time being.  LotR belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien/ Peter Jackson.  Star Wars to Lucasfilm Ltd.  Stargate to MGM.  Monty Python… you get the point.

And now for an introduction.  For all of those who have not experienced all the cinematic wonders that are the films on our list, we have compiled a short introduction to bring you up to speed.  Sort of like “Middle Earth for Dummies.” But with more flair.

Denethor:  Steward of Gondor.  Father of Faramir and Boromir.  Likes tomatoes, oil, and his cat, Whiskers.

Frederic:  Personal servant to Denethor.  Perpetually drunk.  Fond of Dinah, kitchen maid.

Faramir:  Captain of Gondor.  Son of Denethor, younger brother of Boromir.  Heir to the stewardship of Gondor.  (Since, you know, Boromir kicked the bucket way back in “Fellowship.”)  Lurves Eowyn, lady of Rohan.

Pippin:  Hobbit.  Fond of wine, and ale, and generally anything else with alcohol.  Swore allegiance to Denethor.  Inquisitive.  Likes to ask questions, especially of Gandalf.

Gandalf: Wizard.  Dislikes drinking.  In fact, opposes the imbibing of alcohol altogether.  Fond of animals, especially those belonging to other people.

Theoden- King:  King of Rohan.  Dislikes Denethor. (But then, who doesn’t?)

Gimli: Dwarf.  Very confused.

Eowyn:  Lady of Rohan.  Niece of Theoden- King, sister of Eomer.  Lurves Faramir.  Likes to shop at the Gap.  (The Gap of Rohan, that is!)

Eomer:  Nephew and heir of Theoden- King.  Brother of Eowyn.  Uncomfortable with the idea of Faramir and Eowyn.  Preaches abstinence like a public school health teacher.

Obi-Wan: Jedi Padawan to Qui-Gon.  Likes Peppy, his dog, and ice cream.  Tends to lose socks.  Hyper…

Qui-Gon:  Jedi Master.  Dislikes Peppy.  Has tremendous amount of patience, more than any normal human being should have, especially with an apprentice like Obi-Wan.

Legolas:  Elven prince of Mirkwood. Likes to drink but, as an elf, can’t hold his liquor.  Fond of stealing Arwen’s dresses when tipsy.  Friends with Aragorn.

Monty Python:  If you don’t know who the Pythons are, I suggest you rent “Monty Python and the Holy Grail.”  Now.

(A note on the Pythons, Galahad, King Arthur, Lancelot, and Sir Robin all fit into this category.  Now get back to watching that excellent film.)

Aragorn:  Son of Arathorn, son of Arador, son of Argonui, son of Arathorn, son of Arassuil, son of Arahad, son of Aravorn, son of Aragost… (Heir to the throne of Gondor, much to Denethor’s displeasure.)


Yoda:  Little green Jedi Master.  Likes ice cream.  Talks funny.

Boromir’s Ghost: Beloved dead son of Denethor.  Brother of Faramir.  Likes scaring innkeepers.

Col. Jack “Jonathon” O’Neill: Commander of SG-1.  Smart ass.  Never seen Star Wars. Has ‘thing’ for Carter.

Major Samantha Carter:  Brilliant astrophysicist.  Has ‘thing’ for Col. O’Neill. 

Dr. Daniel Jackson:  Funny little archaeologist dude.  Has glasses and allergies.  Likes playing with rocks.

Teal’c: Jaffa.  Looks scary and fends off weaker enemies. LOVES Star Wars.  (He’s seen it ten times.)

Steve:  Leader of angry mobs in Middle Earth.  

Dinah: Kitchen wench. Beloved of Frederic. Only has one dress.

Frodo: Our intrepid ringbearer. Tends to be forgotten. Foolhardy enough to hold ring in palm of hand where anyone can run up and take it.

Sam: "Samwise the Brave" Hobbit. Gardner. Loves Frodo, hates Gollum/Sméagol.

Gollum/Sméagol: Corrupt creature. Twisted by the Ring's power. Split personalities.

Arwen: Beautiful Elf Maiden. Virgo. Likes frilly pink dresses. Dislikes having them stolen, especially by drunken elves, like Legolas. Also enjoys long walks in the park, and small, cute puppies. Oh, and Pina- Coladas, and getting caught in the rain... (sings)

Merry:  Small hobbit.  Talks little.  Pippin’s cousin and best friend.  Esquire of Rohan.

Witch King: Leader of the nine Nazgul. A tad egotistical. Not a guy you want to run into in a back alley. But get him drunk, and boy is he a hoot!

King of the Dead: He's dead, he's a king. What more can we say? Well... there is that little matter of the horde of dead warriors...

MacGyver: Everyone's favorite ordinary hero. Can do anything with a paperclip. (and we mean anything! (swoons))

Yes.  All you get today is the intro.  Stew in your desire to see what the hell we did with all these poor, poor, people.  

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