Monday, June 2, 2014

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 14

Refer to this post for an introduction.

(Minas Tirith, one month since the battle for the freedom of Middle Earth.  Aragorn’s Coronation. Gandalf is in the process of crowning Aragorn, Frederic and Dinah are off in a corner somewhere, making out.  A bottle of the finest vintage second-age wine is in Frederic’s hand.  (Check E-Thilien dot com for a store near you!)  Faramir and Eowyn are holding hands, together at last.  Eomer, however is standing about an arm’s length away, being held back (unknowingly) by the ghost of Boromir.)

Eomer: (Struggling madly) What is this?  Why can’t I move?

Faramir: (Grinning)  Must be those imaginary dragons… (Leans over and kisses Eowyn)

Eomer:  (Makes no sound, as Boromir is covering his mouth) ABSTINENCE!!!

Eowyn:  WHERE do you hear such LIES?   I’m wearing a chastity belt.

Eomer: (visibly relaxes)

(Obi-Wan is holding Peppy, his mouth duct-taped shut.  He is bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet, giving Qui-Gon puppy dog eyes.  Qui-Gon is grinning from ear to ear, a slightly evil, but satisfied expression on his face.  Théoden-king, meanwhile is nearby, sitting astride Shadowfax. He is in a daze, the Palantir in one hand, rocking back and forth, and licking it absentmindedly. Arwen is standing behind the standard (That’s a flag, for those of us with small vocabularies)  She is wearing a rather fetching green dress, and shooting dirty looks at Legolas.  (He did, after all, ruin that lovely pink ensemble of hers…)  Elrond is standing in front of the standard, a look of madness on his face, looking as though he is about to start frothing at the mouth.  Every few seconds he turns with lightning speed to the surrounding people, hissing “Don’t touch my daughter”  with a ferocious growl. His left eye is twitching.  SG-1 and King Arthur and his knights are in a far corner, away from the action, eyeing each other apprehensively.  High above, Teal’c is riding his Fell Beast, tossing flower petals into the air to rain down onto the guests.  Darth Vader is standing relatively near where Gandalf is crowning Aragorn.  Yoda is sitting on his shoulders, and both are eating peanuts.  Yoda has a balloon.  Darth Vader has a gigantic stuffed green flamingo tucked under his arm.  Lastly, Sam and Frodo are standing among the throng, weeping openly at the joy of the occasion.)

(Gandalf finishes the ceremony, and Aragorn, newly crowned, turns to face the crowds.  As he does so, Faramir (in place of Boromir) Legolas, and Gimli approach him and kneel.)

Faramir:  My lord Aragorn, let it be known that you will always have my sword…

Legolas:  And my bow…

Gimli: AND MY AXE… (Looks about for approval)

(Merry and Pippin nod and applaud.)

Steve: (Taking cue from Merry and Pippin, cheering enthusiastically)  COME ON EVERYONE!!! CHEER FOR YOUR KING! 

Pippin: (Before everyone else can begin cheering) HE’S NOT DEAD!

Everyone:  (Following suit) HE’S NOT DEAD!  HE’S NOT DEAD!  HE’S NOT DEAD!

Eomer:  (Completely on his own with this one) ABSTINENCE!  ABSTINENCE!  ABSTINENCE!

(Suddenly, Denethor walks in, Whiskers in one arm.  He is wearing Bermuda shorts, a Hawaiian print shirt, a wide brimmed straw hat, and rather large sunglasses.  He is carrying two rather heavy suitcases.  Complete silence descends on the crowd.) 

Denethor:  Gee, Aragorn, thanks for sending me on that vacation.  The Bahamas were great, it was really nice to get away from the responsibilities of the Stewardship.  I would have stayed longer, but, you know, I just couldn’t wait to get back to my city, and my citadel, and my throne, and my… (stops, eyeing spectacle, especially Faramir, kneeling before Aragorn)  MY ONLY SON!!!!  (Advances on Faramir, who is now cowering under his scorched rug.)  FARAMIR, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?  Pledging your allegiance to this Ranger from the north, LONG BEREFT OF LORDSHIP…

Gandalf:  Maybe we should take this inside…

(Cut to:  the inner chambers of the citadel)

Legolas:  Aragorn!  Go sit on the throne!  Try it out! See what it’s like to be KING of Gondor!  (Practically jumping up and down with glee.)

Denethor: (Grumbling incomprehensibly)

Faramir: What’s the matter, Father, feeling left out?  Go sit on your throne… (grinning)

(Denethor stamps to throne and flops into it.)

Aragorn:  So… how’s the weather down there?

(No reply)

Aragorn: Uhh… how were the Bahamas?  Nice place?

Denethor: RRRRR (Growling like a mad pit bull)

Aragorn:  I… uhhh… made your son the Prince of Ithilien…

Denethor:  You made my son the prince of a WEBSITE?

Aragorn:  Ithilien, not E-Thilien.

Denethor:  Oh, well then… YOU GAVE MY SON A HIGHER RANK THAN ME??

Aragorn:  You still get to be Steward…

Theoden-King:  (Still in a daze)  MMM…


Theoden-King: (coming out of daze, and quickly stowing Palantir in cloak)  I did not!

Denethor: Oh, to Mordor with you.  I need a drink.  FREDERIC!!! Bring me a bloody Mary… with a tomato slice on the glass!  Oh, and make sure those are the good tomatoes.  The ones for the special occasions!  The ones that just make you want to… (Drifts into fond reminiscence)

Eowyn: (approaching Faramir with a tray) Here, Faramir.  I’ve baked you a batch of my special Ranger cookies for the occasion.

Aragorn:  (Leaning over to Faramir, whispering) Don’t eat them…

Faramir: (looks at tray containing grotesque looking blackened cookies)  Uhh… maybe later, Eowyn.

Aragorn: (Approaches Elrond, who is now foaming at the mouth and shaking, much like a raccoon with rabies) Uhh… sir, I would like to ask your permission to marry your daughter…

Elrond: (Straightening up and looking entirely sane and normal)  I give you my blessing then, Elessar. 


Aragorn:  What?  Are you drunk again?

Legolas:  The imaginary dragons made me do it!

Boromir’s Ghost:  Hehehehe….

(The party continues until late in the night.  People are socializing, and Obi-Wan is fluttering about like a butterfly on Speed, telling everyone the story of how he found his socks… again)

Obi-Wan: …And then I turned around and there were 12 angry weasels following me, and so I jumped into a ditch and there were spiders so I screamed “Eew! Spiders!”  and I crawled out again, and then I ducked under this really old tree, and ran around and around and around and around, and then I got so dizzy that I fell down, and I think I almost threw up, but I didn’t throw up, so I got up again, and started running but then I tripped over a rock and I skinned my knee, and when I looked down to see what was wrong, I found my socks again!  They were on my feet the whole time!

Qui-Gon: Obi-Wan… have you been snorting pixie stix again?

Obi-Wan: Nooo. (Looks up innocently)

Harry Potter:  (In his one, single shameless cameo)  ACCIO PIXIE STIX!  (Two seconds later, he is buried in a mound of pixie stix.  The only part of him visible is his wand hand, still clutching his wand.) Ugghhhh… 

Qui-Gon:  (Glaring at Obi-Wan, who is looking back at him with an innocent grin)

(The massive crowds disperse, leaving only our intrepid heroes.)

Denethor:  So… who’s hungry?

(Everyone raises their hands.)

Denethor: Off to Burger Steward then! 

Theoden-King and Aragorn:  It’s Burger KING.

Denethor:  Oh, fine.  But I get White Castle!

(As the group sets off for Burger King and White Castle, Col. O’Neill looks around, shrugging.)

O’Neill:  Well, at least we didn’t DIE.

(At that moment, a crazed chocolatier pops out of a bush.  It is WONKA.  He shoots them all with Nerds, then runs off, laughing maniacally.  There are no survivors.)

The end.

Just Kidding!

(They live happily ever after, and ride off into the sunset, toward White Castle and Burger King… I mean… Burger Steward… I mean…)

The end.

Damn Straight.

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