(Just inside Mordor.)
Samwise the Brave: (Consults HOOM maps) Bear east-north-east toward Orodruin… Well,
we did that. So I guess the next step
would be… Climb up cracks of Doom.
Frodo: (hisses) The
eye… It’s on me, I can see it with my waking eyes. And the ring is so heavy, Sam, how are we
ever going to make it?
(Frodo hasn’t even finished his question when Teal’c swoops
out of the sky, picks up Frodo, Sam and Gollum/Smeagol, and flies off to Mount Doom. There, Frodo chucks ring, with just a wee bit
of difficulty, into the volcano.
Anguished, Gollum/Smeagol falls to his death as well, after riding the
invisible Frodo. Can’t you just envision
it? Of course you can’t, Frodo is
invisible!!! HA HA HA.)
(Fall back to Minas Tirith)
Carter: (Staring
bewildered at her CO.) Uhh… sir, how did
you do that?
O’Neill: Do
what? (Cap is back on head. White sneakers are now mysteriously gone.)
Carter: …Nothing
sir. But do you mind taking off your
hat?
O’Neill: My hat?
Carter, what’s gotten into you?
Carter: Sir, please.
O’Neill: (exasperated sigh) Fine. (removes hat. Hair is regulation length, not to mention
SILVER.)
Carter: …Thank you
sir… (bewildered)
Denethor: Qui-Gon, the battle’s over, LOWER ME DOWN!
Qui-Gon: (sigh) fine… (Lowers Denethor from pinnacle of the
city. Perhaps a bit too quickly at the
end, as Denethor slams into the ground with a nasty –whump-)
Denethor: (scurrying towards Faramir) MY SON!!! (weeping openly and throwing
himself on the body of his son)
Eowyn: That’s my
job! (struggling as Eomer drags her
away)
Denethor: My son… if
only you would open your eyes one more time!
I never told you this, but you were always my favorite son! Even more than BOROMIR!!!
Boromir’s Ghost: Buh!
Buhbuh!!! (stammers incoherently)
Denethor: I know you
weaseled your way out of the sword lessons, and the baking lessons, and
everything else, but I let you get away with it. I wanted to keep you here, protect you. I never wanted to see you hurt, and now
you’re… DEAD!
Pippin: (Running
across Pelennor Fields) HE’S NOT DEAD!!
HE’S NOT—
(Stopped by Frederic, who has caught up, now both stand
behind bereaved Denethor.)
Frederic: Shhh… (whispers)
Wait for it--
Denethor: I know I’ve been harsh on you, but it’s only
because I LOVE YOU!!!
Faramir: (groggily,
opening eyes) Wh—What?
Denethor: Nothing.
(stands up and brushes off robes.)
Frederic: He said he
loves you.
Denethor: I did
not! Frederic, you’re FIRED!
Frederic: No I’m not,
you love me too.
(Frederic waltzes away, drunkenly. Pippin finds himself in a happy reunion with
Merry, and Eowyn breaks free of Eomer’s grip.
She throws herself at Faramir.)
Eomer: ABSTINENCE!!!
(Enter Steve, he is wheeling a cart around Pelennor Fields)
Steve: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!
BRING OUT
YOUR DEAD!
BRING OUT
YOUR DEAD!
Denethor: (Turns toward noise. In the process, nearly trips over Aragorn,
whom Legolas is still trying to drag away.) Is that… Aragorn, son of Arathorn,
lying there, dead at my feet? (Devious
thoughts)
Steve: BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!
BRING OUT
YOUR DEAD!
Denethor: I’ve got one!
I’ve got one here! (Attempts to lift a now semiconscious Aragorn)
Aragorn: (Groggily) But… I’m not dead.
Denethor: Yes you are, you’ll be dead in a minute.
Aragorn: No, really
I’m fine.
Denethor: You’re not fooling anyone you know.
Aragorn: (Struggling feebly)
I think I’ll go for a walk…
Denethor: Oh no you
don’t. You’ll be dead any time now.
Aragorn: I FEEL
HAPPEEEEEE!!!!!
(Gandalf runs out just in time to stop Denethor from giving
Aragorn a nasty smack upside the head.)
Gandalf: STAY THIS MADNESS!
Legolas: Damn Straight.
Gandalf: Denethor, what were you doing?
Denethor: Nothing…
(Frederic perks up, and begins trotting back over)
Denethor: (Flailing) I WAS TRYING TO GET RID OF ARAGORN!
FREDERIC, YOU’RE FIRED!
Frederic: (singsong) No I’m not… But you are!
Aragorn’s the King now!
Denethor: WHY YOU— (Rushes Frederic)
Faramir: (while being smothered by Eowyn) Father… Don’t fling yourself off any
precipices… or whatever…
Gandalf: HOLD! I
don’t know how I know this, but… THE RING HAS BEEN DESTROYED. Middle Earth is free once more.
Frederic: Break out the wine!
(End of part XIII)
(OOO, Unlucky thirteen! What are
you gonna do? Cry to your mommy? (Wanders under ladder and trips, breaking a
mirror in the process. Black cat streaks
across crumpled form.) Not a word. Not one word…)
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