Sunday, June 1, 2014

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 13

Refer to this post for an introduction. 

(Just inside Mordor.)

Samwise the Brave: (Consults HOOM maps)  Bear east-north-east toward Orodruin… Well, we did that.  So I guess the next step would be… Climb up cracks of Doom. 

Frodo:  (hisses) The eye… It’s on me, I can see it with my waking eyes.  And the ring is so heavy, Sam, how are we ever going to make it?

(Frodo hasn’t even finished his question when Teal’c swoops out of the sky, picks up Frodo, Sam and Gollum/Smeagol, and flies off to Mount Doom.  There, Frodo chucks ring, with just a wee bit of difficulty, into the volcano.  Anguished, Gollum/Smeagol falls to his death as well, after riding the invisible Frodo.  Can’t you just envision it?  Of course you can’t, Frodo is invisible!!! HA HA HA.)

(Fall back to Minas Tirith)

Carter:  (Staring bewildered at her CO.)  Uhh… sir, how did you do that?

O’Neill:  Do what?  (Cap is back on head.  White sneakers are now mysteriously gone.)

Carter:  …Nothing sir.  But do you mind taking off your hat?

O’Neill: My hat?  Carter, what’s gotten into you?

Carter:  Sir, please.

O’Neill: (exasperated sigh) Fine. (removes hat.  Hair is regulation length, not to mention SILVER.)

Carter:  …Thank you sir… (bewildered)

Denethor: Qui-Gon, the battle’s over, LOWER ME DOWN!

Qui-Gon:  (sigh)  fine… (Lowers Denethor from pinnacle of the city.  Perhaps a bit too quickly at the end, as Denethor slams into the ground with a nasty –whump-)

Denethor: (scurrying towards Faramir)  MY SON!!! (weeping openly and throwing himself on the body of his son)

Eowyn:  That’s my job!  (struggling as Eomer drags her away)

Denethor:  My son… if only you would open your eyes one more time!  I never told you this, but you were always my favorite son!  Even more than BOROMIR!!!

Boromir’s Ghost: Buh!  Buhbuh!!! (stammers incoherently)

Denethor:  I know you weaseled your way out of the sword lessons, and the baking lessons, and everything else, but I let you get away with it.  I wanted to keep you here, protect you.  I never wanted to see you hurt, and now you’re… DEAD!

Pippin:  (Running across Pelennor Fields)  HE’S NOT DEAD!! HE’S NOT—

(Stopped by Frederic, who has caught up, now both stand behind bereaved Denethor.)

Frederic: Shhh… (whispers)  Wait for it--

Denethor: I know I’ve been harsh on you, but it’s only because I LOVE YOU!!!

Faramir:  (groggily, opening eyes)  Wh—What?

Denethor:  Nothing. (stands up and brushes off robes.)

Frederic:  He said he loves you.

Denethor:  I did not!  Frederic, you’re FIRED!

Frederic:  No I’m not, you love me too.

(Frederic waltzes away, drunkenly.  Pippin finds himself in a happy reunion with Merry, and Eowyn breaks free of Eomer’s grip.  She throws herself at Faramir.)


(Enter Steve, he is wheeling a cart around Pelennor Fields)

            BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!
            BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!

Denethor: (Turns toward noise.  In the process, nearly trips over Aragorn, whom Legolas is still trying to drag away.) Is that… Aragorn, son of Arathorn, lying there, dead at my feet?  (Devious thoughts)

            BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!

Denethor: I’ve got one!  I’ve got one here! (Attempts to lift a now semiconscious Aragorn)

Aragorn: (Groggily) But… I’m not dead.

Denethor: Yes you are, you’ll be dead in a minute.

Aragorn:  No, really I’m fine.

Denethor: You’re not fooling anyone you know.

Aragorn: (Struggling feebly)  I think I’ll go for a walk…

Denethor:  Oh no you don’t.  You’ll be dead any time now.

Aragorn:  I FEEL HAPPEEEEEE!!!!!

(Gandalf runs out just in time to stop Denethor from giving Aragorn a nasty smack upside the head.)


Legolas: Damn Straight.

Gandalf: Denethor, what were you doing?

Denethor: Nothing…

(Frederic perks up, and begins trotting back over)


Frederic: (singsong) No I’m not…  But you are!  Aragorn’s the King now!

Denethor: WHY YOU— (Rushes Frederic)

Faramir: (while being smothered by Eowyn)  Father… Don’t fling yourself off any precipices… or whatever…

Gandalf: HOLD!  I don’t know how I know this, but… THE RING HAS BEEN DESTROYED.  Middle Earth is free once more.

Frederic: Break out the wine!

(End of part XIII)  (OOO, Unlucky thirteen!  What are you gonna do?  Cry to your mommy?  (Wanders under ladder and trips, breaking a mirror in the process.  Black cat streaks across crumpled form.)  Not a word.  Not one word…)

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