Saturday, May 31, 2014

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 12

Refer to this post for an introduction

(The City)

People of the City:  Look! Look! The Rohirrim!  They have been mustered!  We are saved!

Pippin:  Mustard?  Is it time for Second Breakfast already?  (leaves field of battle to go eat.)

Denethor: (Looking out toward the Rohirrim)  Is that… My SON?  Faramir is leading the Rohirrim?  Theoden!  My son conquered your lands in your absence, and now he rides to his father’s aid! 

Theoden-King:  Oh, go suck on that Palantir some more…

Denethor:  (Looking more closely at the group)  What?  GANDALF??  Faramir is no son of mine!  Boromir!  Boromir was loyal to me, not some WIZARD’S PUPIL!!!!!

Theoden- King:  Look! And there’s Eomer!  But… Where’s Eowyn?  And… look!  Who’s that skinny kid riding with the hobbit?

Denethor: I dunno…  But FARAMIR HAS BETRAYED ME!  ABANDON YOUR POSTS!! (spraying spit everywhere, and running, flailing, around the courtyard of the Citadel.)

Theoden- King: (Wiping spit off his face) At least he’s coming to your aid…

Denethor:  (Not paying attention, still running about like a chicken with his head cut off.  Theoden-King sticks out leg, and Denethor trips, flying over the Citadel wall.)

(Qui-Gon catches Denethor and brings him back up with the Force.)

Qui-Gon:  Oops, lost my grip!  (lets Denethor fall a story or two, then begins bringing him back up)  Oops… (repeats process a few times)

(Pelennor Fields)

Faramir:  LOOK!  My father has gone flying off the Citadel wall!  Now I can be Steward… no KING of Gondor!! (Broadway hand thingie)

Eomer:  Don’t you think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself?

Faramir:  Look!  He’s falling!.. No, wait, somebody’s caught him.  NO! HE’S FALLING AGAIN!  No, wait… (continues for some time.)

(Aragorn and Legolas have battled their way out onto Pelennor fields.  They pass Yoda and Darth Vader.)

Yoda:  (poking dying Orc with walking stick)  Hurt that must, YEESSS… 

Legolas: (counting as he kills Orcs)  Eleventy-two!  Eleventy- three!

Aragorn:  Legolas, there is no such number as eleventy-two.

Legolas: Yes there is!

Aragorn:  If there is, then I’m the Lady of Light.

Legolas: My lady!  I did not think to be looking upon your beauty again so soon!

Aragorn: …

(Eomer prepares the Rohirrim for a charge.)

Obi-Wan:  YAY! I get to use my lightsaber!!

Eomer:  (lunging forward)  ABSTINENCE!!!

Rohirrim:  ABSTINENCE!!!

Faramir:  CHASTITY BELT!!!  (fighting back laughter)

Eomer:  (Stops short)  …You have problems.  That’s just sick.
Faramir:  But… But… I thought… Nevermind.

(They charge)

(Back up in the Citadel)

Qui-Gon:  And… Joy of all joys, my young Padawan has returned to me.

Obi-Wan: (trots up to Qui-Gon, twirling beanie propeller and waving lightsaber about recklessly.  Peppy is trailing behind.) (speaking as quickly and as high pitched as humanly possible) Qui-Gon!  Guess what?  I lost my socks again!  I tied them to my ankle for safekeeping, but it was a really long string, and it was dragging behind, and I forgot, so I was like ‘what is this string?’  So I pulled it… and there were my socks!  And then we went through the woods on a shortcut, and we went left at the tree instead of right, and we saw Darian and some dancing weasels, and then we realized that we should have gone right at the tree, so we went back, and saw Obi-Wonka, and then I lost my socks again, but I got them back again, and we went right at the tree, and then we saw a circus so we went, and there was master Yoda and Darth Vader, and they gave me this cool hat, and they were eating cotton candy, and then we went to Edoras, and we found Gandalf, and Peppy, and Whiskers, and Shadowfax, and Gimli’s axe, and we mustered the Rohirrim, and we came back here as fast as we could, and then I saw you, so I ran up to the citadel, and I came up and I told you this story and I told you how I found my socks! 

Qui-Gon:  Is it possible that you have gotten worse since I last saw you?  (Whispers to nearby Orc)  Kill him.  Please.  I will pay you to kill him.

(cut to: Pantry)

(Dinah and Frederic still fighting off Orcs with Dinah’s shoe.  Suddenly…)

Gandalf:  STAY THIS MADNESS! (Orcs scamper off.) 

(Gandalf cleaves wine bottle in two with sword.)


(Cut back to: Pelennor Fields)

(a mysterious figure is quickly making a name for himself in battle.  He has felled many Orcs, with the hobbit Merry in tow.)

(The Witch King swoops out of the sky and confronts our young, mysterious hero.)

Witch King:  Die now, and spare yourself the agony of my wrath…

Hero: WHERE do you hear such LIES?

Witch King:  FOOL!  No man can kill me.

Faramir: EOWYN, NOOOOOOOO!!! (runs toward pair)

Witch King:  Don’t you know, my sword will tear through your armor like tissue paper! (Witch King tosses Faramir aside. He lies motionless.)

(Cut to Citadel)

Denethor:  MY SON!!!!!!  (runs to edge of cliff)  Qui-Gon, lower me down!!

Qui-Gon: No way buddy.  You have to stay up here and help us fight.  Besides, first you want up, then you want down, make up your mind!

Theoden-King:  Don’t worry about your baby boy, Denethor, Eowyn’s down there.  She’ll look after him. 

Denethor:  It’s because of Eowyn that he’s down there in the first place!  This is all your fault, as usual, Theoden!

(Back to Pelennor Fields)

Hero:  Damn straight.  (Rips off helmet to reveal that it is indeed Eowyn, shieldmaiden of Rohan.  She stabs the witch King.)  I am NO MAN!

Eomer: (From elsewhere on Pelennor Fields)  Eowyn?  Eowyn..?  ABSTINENCE!!!!!

Witch King:  KKkkk… (Horrid, creepy dying noises, and this bizarre sucking sound, as his wraith-ness is destroyed.) (Grating female voice emits from shrinking cloak)  Who would have thought a good little girl like you could have destroyed my beautiful wickedness?  Oh what a world, what a world.  I’m melting… MELTING!!!  (A hiss, then, silence)

(Horns in the distance.  Those painted dudes from the south, the ones riding the Oliphaunts, well, they just happened to pick now to show up.)

Obi-Wan: LOOK! Qui-Gon, the circus has come to town!

Qui-Gon: (shakes head)

Monty Python:  RUN AWAAAAYYYY!!!!  (Runs away, coconuts clacking furiously)

(As the Oliphaunts and their menacing riders advance, narrowly missing trampling the Pythons, a ghostly blowing of the horn of Gondor is heard.  It seems our friend Boromir has managed to muster the armies of the dead.)

Aragorn:  But… only the one true King of Gondor can muster the Armies of the Dead…

King of the Dead: (Knocks Aragorn unconscious.)

Legolas: ARAGORN!!!!!

Obi-Wan: (from in the city) KING OF GONDOR!!!

Denethor: Stop that, STOP THAT!!!

(Army of the Dead rampages through Minas Tirith, drawing the Orc armies back to Pelennor Fields, but not even the might of the dead can conquer Gondor’s enemies.)

(The Oliphaunts are drawing ever closer to our stranded friends on Pelennor Fields.  Eowyn and Merry are attempting to drag Faramir to safety, but are hindered by Eomer who is trying to drag Eowyn to safety.  Legolas has grabbed Aragorn by the boot, and is desperately trying to drag him away, but is sadly too intoxicated to get very far.  Gandalf, meanwhile is in the city, attempting to wrangle all the animals of Minas Tirith and lead them to safety.  The Oliphaunts are beginning to take chunks out of the city walls now, and the Nazgul on their fell beasts are swooping in.  All hope seems lost for our intrepid friends.)

(A fell beast swoops particularly close to the Citadel.  Upon it rides… TEAL’C!)


(All in the citadel look up in amazement.  Teal’c flies valiantly into battle, leading the remaining Nazgul away from the fields, and off into the horizon.)

(Without a word, Col. O’Neill sweeps off his baseball cap.  This reveals a luxuriant golden, shoulder length mane.  He reaches into his pocket, and extracts a paperclip, holding it triumphantly above his head.  He has become MacGyver, and all before him gape with wonder.)

(Gondor’s adversaries stop in their tracks.  A moment of silence passes over the entire realm of Gondor, then suddenly)

Gondor’s Adversaries:  RUN AWAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!  (Thundering footsteps of thousands of Orcs, men, Oliphaunts, and trolls, retreating to wherever they came from.)

(End of part XII.)  (MacGyver, who knew?  (Does the happy MacGyver dance))

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