Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Adventure time

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, about what's going to happen to me come Fall.  I'm (obviously) not going back to school this year (I wasn't accepted to the program I applied to, but we'll go for it again next year).  Kenneth has told me over and over again that I need to get out of Provision, and I know he's right.  I know he is.  But, somehow, I keep thinking that maybe I'd stick around for a couple extra months, which would suck me into another season, which would keep me there another year.  And I really just don't think I can take it. 

The thought of searching for another day job is enough to give me fits of anxiety.  It's really the last thing I want to do.  I don't want to admit defeat and crawl home, I don't want a new day job, my whole plan for Singing Raven is hackneyed by lack of time, money, energy, everything.  And I don't want it to be.  Somehow, when other people decide that they're going to make something happen, they do it.  They find the resources.  They find the place that will nurture them and get them moving on the right path. 

I want to do that.  I want to find that way.  I want to figure out how to finance it, and where to go, and just fucking DO. IT. ALREADY.  Because I'm tired of being someone else's doormat. 

I'm not even prepared to wait for fall.  I don't want to think that way anymore.  I don't want to sit here at the desk that's never been mine, and look at the clock and think... once this next show is over...

I'm having such a hard time realizing that I don't have all the answers.  I'm not magically imbued with everything I need to succeed.  It's not a bad thing.  It's just that... I need other people.  I need other people for SO many reasons.  Even if it's just to drag me out of the house long enough to notice that there's a help wanted sign in my neighborhood, that I might not have to make this crazy commute every day.  Or to tell me about some nifty free seminar, or book recommendation, or place to go to ask for information.  I don't have eyes everywhere in the universe.  I can't be in every corner of the city at once to see these things.  But other people can see them, and my friendship with them can make their accessibility so much easier. 

As absurd as it sounds, I've been neglecting the one rule I thought was obvious to me from the start.  It's WHO, not WHAT you know. 

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