Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 11

Refer to this post for an introduction

(Back in Minas Tirith)

(The gates of the city.  We find our favorite Steward and his companions locked in a fell battle for the freedom of Middle Earth.  The armies of the free peoples of Middle Earth, rallied from the four corners of these lands, hewing Orcs fore and aft.  Cleaving the flesh and bone of their adversaries.  Their mighty armor crushing the skulls of their enemies underfoot.  Their swords gleaming in the bloody sunlight.  Their—(cough cough) Where were we?  Ahh yes, Théoden-King and Denethor fighting, side by side.  Qui-Gon approaches, nudges Denethor.)

Qui-Gon:  So… You’re too sexy for your chainmail, eh?

Denethor: (To Théoden-King) Did you tell EVERYBODY?

(miscellaneous Orc approaches Denethor.  They clash weapons.)

Orc:  So, how’d that Palantir taste, buddy?

Denethor: ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Lops Orc’s head off.)

(SG-1 suddenly appears, crawling through vent.  Daniel sees Orcs, attempts to escape and make “contact.”  Sam holds Daniel back, brandishing Zat at general melee.)

Sam: (looking down at her CO’s feet.)  Uhh, Sir, why are you wearing white sneakers?  They’re not regulation.

Jack: Um…  So, who are we fighting?

Denethor: (sidles up to trio) Have you heard anything about anyone licking a Palantir?

Jack:  What’s a Palantir?

Denethor: You’re on my side!

(Fighting continues.)

Daniel:  (straightening and turning to Denethor) But… Why are we fighting?  Can’t we come to some peaceful solution?  I mean, what about Democracy?

Denethor: … (looks confused, then cleaves orc in two with sword)

Qui-Gon:  (edging over)  They don’t understand Democracy, besides, it’s doomed to fail anyway.  Just use your blaster and you’ll be fine.  …And don’t shoot the humans.  Anything else is fair game.

Sam:  Wait… so you’re a Jedi..? 

Misc. warriors/knights:  FOR GONDOR!!

Daniel:  And this is… Middle Earth…  From Lord of the Rings?  Jack, where did you say this Gate- address was?

Sam: But… Lightsabers are physically impossible.  I mean, there’s no way to control light in that manner, it would just diffuse into the atmosphere, and…

Qui-Gon:  Nothing is impossible with the Force.

Sam:  No, but there is physical evidence for the inability to control light in such a way as would produce a controllable beam of sufficient power to behave like a—lightsaber. 

Qui-Gon: But I’M HOLDING ONE!

Sam: But…

Jack: Carter, let it go.  Look at us.  We’re in a MOVIE.

Daniel:  It was a book first, Jack.

Jack: WHATEVER.

(It is plain that our heroes are losing their epic struggle for life and death.  They are vastly outnumbered by the cruel, heartless Orcs.  In a moan of agony…)

Denethor: Théoden, You should have mustered the Rohirrim!!

Théoden- King:  Well, it’s a little late for that now, don’t you think?

(Suddenly, just as all seems lost, the sound of hoofbeats is heard from beyond the city gates.  But alas, it is not the mighty Rohirrim astride their noble steeds, but the Monty Python troupe, and their servants, clapping coconut halves together.  And the only reason they’re not Orc fodder now, is that the Orcs are too busy staring as they “gallop” past.)

Arthur, King of the Britons: I am Arthur, King of the Britons!  We seek the grail!

Denethor:  We have no Grail, we told you that before!

Arthur:  Well then, off we go!

Denethor:  Wait!  Stay, O brave knights and help us fight!

Arthur:  And why would we want to do that?

Denethor:  Because… uhhh…. OOH!! LOOK! IMAGINARY DRAGON!

Lancelot: DRAGON?  WHERE?  HAVE AT YOU!  I WILL SLAY THE MIGHTY DRAGON!  (Starts hacking at troll mistakenly)

Arthur:  Well, I guess we’re stuck here now…

(But still, the Orcs spill ever farther into the city.  Our intrepid heroes are being beaten back to the Citadel itself.  Cut to pantry.  Frederic and Dinah the kitchen maid are hiding under a table, being besieged by Orcs.  Orc attempts to seize Frederic’s wine bottle, only to be beaten back by Dinah, brandishing a shoe.)

Dinah:  Back! Back you devils!

(Lo!  On the horizon, the Rohirrim, led by Obi-Wan, Gandalf, Eomer, and Faramir, accompanied by Peppy, Whiskers, and Shadowfax., followed by a mysterious, sleight man, riding with a hobbit!  It is GLORIOUS!)

(They rush into the fray upon Pelennor Fields, only to notice Yoda and Darth Vader, bags of peanuts in hand, chatting amiably among the battling Orcs.)

(End of part XI.) 

(Insert Author’s Note here.)

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 10

Refer to this post for an introduction.

(Somewhere.  We’re not exactly sure where, but definitely somewhere…)

Obi-Wan:  And then turn right at that tree… I think…

Faramir:  WHAT DO YOU MEAN “I THINK?”  You’re not allowed to think!  Don’t you know where you’re taking us?

Obi-Wan: Yes… I mean… no…

Faramir: THEN WHY DID YOU SAY YOU KNEW A SHORTCUT??

Obi-Wan: Because I know lots of shortcuts!  Just… not here…  Like if you go through the vent in the Dark marshes…

Faramir: THERE IS NO VENT THERE.  AND IT’S THE DEAD MARSHES!!!!

Obi-Wan: Of course there is!  It leads to Minas Tirith!  How do you think we got there? 

Eomer:  ENOUGH! Both of you!  We won’t get anywhere with you two arguing!

Obi-Wan:  But… if there’s no vent in the Dark Marshes… OOO! LOOK!  A CARNIVAL!

Faramir: What??

Obi-Wan: CARNIVAL! YAY! CAN WE GO?  CAN WE? CANWECANWECANWE PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE??????

Faramir:  Eowyn… Do you still carry a sword?

Eowyn:  WHERE do you hear such LIES?

Faramir:  Eowyn, we all know you carry a sword.  Get over it.

Eomer:  WHAT?  You carry a sword?  WAR is the province of MEN, Eowyn.

Eowyn:  Why do you want it, for you or him?

Faramir: …Can I use it on both of us..?

(Obi-Wan catches sight of two familiar figures.  They are our good friends, Yoda and Darth Vader.  Yoda sports a beanie hat (you know the ones with the propeller thingies)  and Vader carries a large, pink stuffed bear.  Both are eating cotton candy.  How Darth Vader is eating cotton candy, I don’t know.  How was he drinking from the beer helmet?  Don’t split hairs with us, I’ve told you that once before!) 

Obi-Wan:  MASTER YODA!  OOH! THAT’S A COOL HAT! WHERE DID YOU GET SUCH A COOL HAT? CAN I GET A COOL HAT LIKE THAT?  FARAMIR, CAN I GO GET A COOL HAT LIKE MASTER YODA’S?  PLEASE??

Faramir: Yes, YES.  Go get your hat…

(Obi-Wan scurries off)

Faramir:  Do you happen to know a shortcut to Rohan?  I mean, you’ve been all over Middle Earth, it seems… 

Yoda:  Shortcut we know, YEESSS… Left at the rock you must turn, and at the tree, right… YEESSS…

Eomer:  You mean he was right the whole time?

Yoda: Listen to him you did not.  NOOO… Listen to him you must… YEESSS…

Obi-Wan: (distantly) OOOH! PIXIE STIX!!

(All exchange glances)

Faramir:  Come on Obi-Wan!  Time to go!

(Obi-Wan returns, pockets rustling suspiciously.)

Obi-Wan: (Frowning) But I didn’t get a hat! Master Yoda, where did you get the hat?  Can you show me where to find the hats?  I really want a cool hat before we go!

Yoda: (Thrusting own hat into Obi-Wan’s hands)  Take it you must, young Padawan… YEESSS…  Now go you will…

Obi-Wan:  Oh, one last thing… Master Yoda, am I on my quest?

(Triumphant trumpet music)

Yoda:  Tipped you off the music should, YEESSS…

(So, our intrepid group of explorers leaves Yoda and Darth Vader behind, chatting amiably.  Like always.  They wander away, until the carnival has disappeared from sight, and then turn right at the nearest tree.  Suddenly, Edoras mysteriously materializes before them on a hilltop.)

Obi-Wan: I TOLD YOU!

(Our group takes off at full gallop toward Edoras.  Once there, they charge into the great hall, and skid to a halt in surprise.  There, sitting on the throne, is Gandalf, stroking a purring Whiskers and smoking a pipe.  Peppy is chasing his tail, but stops at the sight of Obi-Wan, and leaps on him, yapping and squirming.)

Eomer: You have no power here, Gandalf the Grey…

Boromir’s Ghost:  (Who has floated in… still sullen) you mean Gandalf the GAY…

Faramir: (chuckles, then begins to laugh loudly)

(Strange looks from all.)

Faramir:  What?  Uhh…. Sorry, imaginary dragons… heh…

(General rolled eyes.)

Eomer:  Gandalf, we must muster the Rohirrim, Minas Tirith is in danger!

Faramir: …And Father wants me to get his cat back... Well… That and he wants to drag you in irons up to the Citadel before him, so that he can fling you from the pinnacle of the city and watch you tumble mercilessly to the ground below.  And then he’ll probably post your head and limbs out on the gates of the city… so he can watch the Orcs write degrading graffiti on the walls of the city in your blood… (Continues in bored monotone)

Obi-Wan:  And I want my dog!  (Sniffles)

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Eowyn: And Shadowfax belongs to the people of the Rohirrim!

Gimli: (trotting in, panting)  And… My… Axe…

Merry: (who has just entered the Great Hall) …  (Hands Gimli another copy of the script)

Gimli:  Not… You too?

Merry: (Nods)

(Gimli exits, but not before he seizes his axe from beside Gandalf’s chair.)

Gandalf:  Eomer, son of Eomund, I have taken the liberty of mustering the Rohirrim, and they are already en route to Minas Tirith as we speak.

Eomer: Oh, great!  Now, Eowyn, you stay here.  War is no place for a woman.

Eowyn:  WHY do you tell such LIES?

Eomer:  Now now, Eowyn, you know it’s for the best.

Eowyn: FARAMIR! (silence.  Obi-Wan is too busy trying to catch Peppy.) Tell him!

Faramir: (shoots nervous glance at Eomer, who is cracking his knuckles and mouthing the word ‘Abstinence.’)  Uhh… Errr… OOH! Look!  An Imaginary Dragon!

Eowyn: You’re no help… I’ll just take matters into my own hands…

Eomer:  What did you say?

Eowyn: Nothing

(Eowyn runs off, dragging Merry with her.)

(Others go, clamber on horses, prepare to depart.  Faramir beckons Gandalf.)

Faramir: Ahh… Gandalf?

Gandalf:  Yes?

(Faramir points at Whiskers)

Gandalf:  But… Can’t I just hold him for the ride..?

Faramir:  …Fine… He’d be too much of a hassle to carry anyway…

Gandalf:  So… Anybody know a quick route back to Gondor?

Obi-Wan: I know a shortcut…

(End of part X!  (tears up)  We… We just don’t know what to say… We’d like to thank… Mom… all of them… and God… all of them too.  (Openly weeping now, clutching pencils tightly, like Oscars)  And… EGUARDO THE CHRISTMAS PONY!  WE COULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOU, MAN!  GOD BLESS!  (triumphantly teary)  But… Don’t worry, it’s not the end.  THE RANGERS OF E-THILIEN WILL WRITE AGAIN TOMMORROW!)

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 9

Refer to this post for an introduction. 

(Road to Mordor, very dark and fiery and Brimstone-y…)

Frodo:  They’ve taken the Ring, Sam…

Samwise the Brave:  Oh, well, that’s not so bad there, Mr. Frodo.  We’ve got some nice taters here that we can boil up for supper…

Gollum/Sméagol:  What’s “taters” Precious?

Samwise the Brave: Taters!  You know, Po-Ta-Toes?  Boil ‘em, Mash ‘em, Stick ‘em in a stew?

(Suddenly Boromir’s Ghost tromps in sadly.  He thrusts out the Ring toward Frodo.)

Boromir’s Ghost:  Here… Gandalf said I had to give this back.  Take it.  I don’t care.  Whatever…

Frodo:  What was that, Sam?  I thought… The wind seemed to be talking to me for a moment… Wait, is that?

Boromir’s Ghost:  …Do you ever reach a point where you feel your life has no meaning?

(Frodo and Sam ignore Boromir, as they cannot see him.  Both lunge at the Ring.  Gollum/Sméagol too busy weeping with joy to care.) 

(End of Part IX.  Yeah, another shorty… And now for a musical interlude by our friend Boromir.)

Boromir’s Ghost:  …Someday we’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection, The lovers, the dreamers, and me… (Continues singing, until voice fades out.) 

(There you have it Kids, Boromir, Live in Concert!)

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 8

Refer to this post for an introduction

(Pelennor Fields.  Our Intrepid team (that is, SG-1) is wrapping up their picnic.  Teal’c is noticeably missing.  Suddenly, a large group of unfriendly Orcs… say, about 10,000 or so, come ravaging over the fields, causing general chaos and confusion. )

O’Neill: Pack it up kids!  It’s time to go!

Daniel:  Ooh! Natives!  I wonder if we can communicate with them?  (Starts off toward army, blissfully unaware of their menacing swords and clubs.)

O’Neill: (sigh) Daniel!  I think we should be headed… THIS way… (Gesture in the general direction of Minas Tirith.) 

Daniel: (crestfallen) But, Jack…

Carter: I think Colonel O’Neill is right, Daniel.  (starts trotting off to the city)

(Two leave hastily, dragging Daniel between them.) 

Carter: … Uh, sir?  Where’s Teal’c?

O’Neill:  He’ll show up eventually…

(They disappear over a rise.)

(Far away.)

(Faramir, Eowyn, Eomer, and Obi-Wan)

Obi-Wan: So!  Faramir, CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!  Where are we going? 

Faramir: (through gritted teeth) To find Gandalf.  And aren’t you playing the quiet game?

Obi-Wan:  (claps hand over mouth) 

Eowyn: But WHERE do we LOOK for him?

Eomer: (not paying attention) Look! (Points back toward Pelennor Fields) The armies of Mordor are marching on Minas Tirith! 

Faramir: (Perking up, a faraway look in his eye)  Of COURSE!  Now my Father will see the futility of fighting, throw himself off the pinnacle of the city, and then I WILL BECOME THE MOST LOVED STEWARD IN GONDORIAN HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!!  (Broadway hand thingy.) 

(General odd looks from all.)

Faramir: What?

Eomer:  We have to do something!  We cannot just abandon Gondor in her hour of need!

Faramir:  Of course we can’t!  I’m just waiting for my father to plummet to his death first!

Eowyn: (rolls eyes)

Eomer:  Come!  We must ride to Rohan and muster my brothers in arms, the horse- masters!  Perhaps they can break the lines of Mordor! 

Faramir: (under his breath)  What, with a cry of ‘Abstinence!’

Eowyn: Come now!  Boys, behave!

Obi-Wan: (about ready to explode)

Faramir: (looks at him) WHAT?

Obi-Wan:  I FOUND MY SOCKS!!! (Holds them up)  They were in the hood of my cloak all along!

Faramir:  Very good.  Good for you.

Obi-Wan:  Am I gonna get to use my lightsaber??  Do I still get ice cream?  You MADE me talk! 

Faramir: Yes, YES.  You get ice cream!  And… MAYBE you can use your lightsaber… 

Eowyn: Now, HOW are we going to GET to Rohan, muster the Rohirrim, and get back in time to save Minas Tirith?  …And wasn’t it YOUR job, Faramir…

Obi-Wan: CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!!

(all glare at Obi-Wan.  Obi-Wan shrinks in saddle)

Faramir:  You’ll lose more than your SOCKS if you continue that…

Eowyn: Ahem, as I was saying, wasn’t it your job to hold the river and Osgiliath?

Faramir:  (sigh)  WHERE do you hear such LIES??

Obi-Wan:  Wait… Is this my quest?  Am I on my quest?  I should ask Qui-Gon…

( Tries communicator thingie. It doesn’t work.)

Obi-Wan: Hmmm… It must be broken.  OH WELL! 

Eomer:  You know, Eowyn’s right, how ARE we going to get there in time?

Obi-Wan:  I know a shortcut!  First you turn left at that rock…

(Having no choice but to follow him, our intrepid (yes, we like the word “intrepid”  it’s like “Kazoo,”  It’s just fun to say.)  travelers set out for Rohan… they hope.)

(FALL BACK TO MINAS TIRITH!!! For, you know, like the seventeenth time…)

Denethor: (Dancing around the citadel, apparently alone, singing loudly.)  I’m too sexy for my chainmail, too sexy for my chainmail, so sexy, YEAH!!  I’m a model, you know what I mean, when I do my little fall off the Citadel!  Off the Citadel, off the… (Abrupt stop.)  Théoden… What are YOU doing up here?

Théoden-King: Were you just… singing?

Denethor:  NO.

Théoden- King: Sure you weren’t.  Just like you didn’t LICK the palantir!

Denethor: I DIDN’T LICK IT!!  Frederic! 

(Frederic strolls in, bottle of wine in one hand.)

Denethor:  Frederic, was I doing anything?

Frederic: Sure you were, you were dancing around singing “I’m too sexy for my chainmail…” (sings, using wine bottle as microphone, and dances about Citadel, sloshing wine on everything.)

Denethor: Frederic, You’re FIRED!

Frederic: (Dancing out)  No I’m not!  (Still singing)  When I do my little fall off the Citadel… (voice fades)

(At this point, Qui-Gon arrives with Aragorn and Legolas, all dressed in armor.  Legolas is munching lazily on a tomato.  You know, one that apparently escaped the pillaging and burning.  One that was still fresh, ripe, plump… the kind that just make you want to…)

Denethor:  Where did you get that?  (snatches at tomato)

Legolas: It’s mine.  I found it.  And it’s not got any alcohol in it!  None at all!

Denethor: (rolls eyes)  But… They’re MY tomatoes!  I am the STEWARD!

Aragorn:  And I am the one true king of Gondor… Blah blah… and I say he can eat the tomato.  Happy now?

Denethor: (Derisive snort)

(Ghost of Boromir sidles in, carrying The One Ring on a chain.)

Denethor:  (Seeing nothing but the Ring on the chain)  What is that… Is that the…

(Others watch in awe as Ring floats around Citadel.)

Qui-Gon:  It’s a… ring on a chain.  How spectacular….

Denethor:  (Pounces at Ring)  It’s MINE!  I WANT IT!  MY PRECIOUSSSS… (hisses and grabs at Ring)

(Ring/ Boromir’s Ghost lead Denethor to the very edge of the cliff.  Denethor teeters on brink, Ring floating just out of reach.)

Boromir’s Ghost: (giggles)

(Boromir’s Ghost fakes dropping the Ring several times.  Denethor watches in horror as the Ring lurches toward the ground, only to stop and be brought back before his eyes.)

Denethor: (taking one step too far) AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

(And so passes Denethor, son of Ecthelion.  In a burning INFERNO OF DEATH!!!  Just kidding… That was the movie.  We don’t have the budget for those kinds of special effects!)

Qui-Gon:  I’ve got him… (uses Force to pull Denethor to safety… again…)

Théoden-King: Why couldn’t you have just let him fall?

Qui-Gon:  … He seems more with it than the rest of us… besides, he knows the city.

(Orcs are closing in around the city, the echo of Black Speech reverberating through.  The men of Minas Tirith are gathered at the walls, and Pippin is in a corner somewhere, drinking ale from his helmet. Somehow Boromir has gone with the Ring again…  Suddenly, Qui-Gon’s communicator begins beeping.)

Denethor:  Isn’t your… talkie… thingy beeping?

Qui-Gon:  NO.  (tosses communicator over edge of city wall)

(communicator plummets to earth below, beaning Orc in head.  Orc falls down dead.  With an anguished cry, the Orcs begin streaming toward the city walls.) 

Théoden-King:  The war for Middle- Earth has begun…

(End of Part VIII.  Finally, some plot!  Well… sorta.  Hey… did you just see that?  It looked like… some dude in a purple coat, toting a whole bunch of chocolate…  Ahh, well, it was just our imagination, I guess…  Those darned imaginary dragons…)