(Somewhere. We’re not
exactly sure where, but definitely somewhere…)
Obi-Wan: And then
turn right at that tree… I think…
Faramir: WHAT DO YOU
MEAN “I THINK?” You’re not allowed to
think! Don’t you know where you’re
taking us?
Obi-Wan: Yes… I mean… no…
Faramir: THEN WHY DID YOU SAY YOU KNEW A SHORTCUT??
Obi-Wan: Because I know lots of shortcuts! Just… not here… Like if you go through the vent in the Dark
marshes…
Faramir: THERE IS NO VENT THERE. AND IT’S THE DEAD MARSHES!!!!
Obi-Wan: Of course there is!
It leads to Minas Tirith! How do
you think we got there?
Eomer: ENOUGH! Both
of you! We won’t get anywhere with you
two arguing!
Obi-Wan: But… if
there’s no vent in the Dark Marshes… OOO! LOOK!
A CARNIVAL!
Faramir: What??
Obi-Wan: CARNIVAL! YAY! CAN WE GO? CAN WE? CANWECANWECANWE
PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE??????
Faramir: Eowyn… Do
you still carry a sword?
Eowyn: WHERE do you
hear such LIES?
Faramir: Eowyn, we
all know you carry a sword. Get over it.
Eomer: WHAT? You carry a sword? WAR is the province of MEN,
Eowyn.
Eowyn: Why do you
want it, for you or him?
Faramir: …Can I use it on both of us..?
(Obi-Wan catches sight of two familiar figures. They are our good friends, Yoda and Darth
Vader. Yoda sports a beanie hat (you
know the ones with the propeller thingies)
and Vader carries a large, pink stuffed bear. Both are eating cotton candy. How Darth Vader is eating cotton candy, I
don’t know. How was he drinking from the
beer helmet? Don’t split hairs with us,
I’ve told you that once before!)
Obi-Wan: MASTER
YODA! OOH! THAT’S A COOL HAT! WHERE DID
YOU GET SUCH A COOL HAT? CAN I GET A COOL HAT LIKE THAT? FARAMIR, CAN I GO GET A COOL HAT LIKE MASTER
YODA’S? PLEASE??
Faramir: Yes, YES. Go
get your hat…
(Obi-Wan scurries off)
Faramir: Do you
happen to know a shortcut to Rohan? I
mean, you’ve been all over Middle Earth, it seems…
Yoda: Shortcut we
know, YEESSS… Left at the rock you must turn, and at the tree, right… YEESSS…
Eomer: You mean he
was right the whole time?
Yoda: Listen to him you did not. NOOO… Listen to him you must… YEESSS…
Obi-Wan: (distantly) OOOH! PIXIE STIX!!
(All exchange glances)
Faramir: Come on
Obi-Wan! Time to go!
(Obi-Wan returns, pockets rustling suspiciously.)
Obi-Wan: (Frowning) But I didn’t get a hat! Master Yoda,
where did you get the hat? Can you show
me where to find the hats? I really want
a cool hat before we go!
Yoda: (Thrusting own hat into Obi-Wan’s hands) Take it you must, young Padawan… YEESSS… Now go you will…
Obi-Wan: Oh, one last
thing… Master Yoda, am I on my quest?
(Triumphant trumpet music)
Yoda: Tipped you off
the music should, YEESSS…
(So, our intrepid group of explorers leaves Yoda and Darth
Vader behind, chatting amiably. Like
always. They wander away, until the
carnival has disappeared from sight, and then turn right at the nearest tree. Suddenly, Edoras mysteriously materializes
before them on a hilltop.)
Obi-Wan: I TOLD YOU!
(Our group takes off at full gallop toward Edoras. Once there, they charge into the great hall,
and skid to a halt in surprise. There,
sitting on the throne, is Gandalf, stroking a purring Whiskers and smoking a
pipe. Peppy is chasing his tail, but
stops at the sight of Obi-Wan, and leaps on him, yapping and squirming.)
Eomer: You have no power here, Gandalf the Grey…
Boromir’s Ghost: (Who
has floated in… still sullen) you mean Gandalf the GAY…
Faramir: (chuckles, then begins to laugh loudly)
(Strange looks from all.)
Faramir: What? Uhh…. Sorry, imaginary dragons… heh…
(General rolled eyes.)
Eomer: Gandalf, we
must muster the Rohirrim, Minas Tirith is in danger!
Faramir: …And Father wants me to get his cat back... Well…
That and he wants to drag you in irons up to the Citadel before him, so that he
can fling you from the pinnacle of the city and watch you tumble mercilessly to
the ground below. And then he’ll
probably post your head and limbs out on the gates of the city… so he can watch
the Orcs write degrading graffiti on the walls of the city in your blood… (Continues
in bored monotone)
Obi-Wan: And I want
my dog! (Sniffles)
lc
Eowyn: And Shadowfax belongs to the people of the Rohirrim!
Gimli: (trotting in, panting) And… My… Axe…
Merry: (who has just entered the Great Hall) … (Hands Gimli another copy of the script)
Gimli: Not… You too?
Merry: (Nods)
(Gimli exits, but not before he seizes his axe from beside
Gandalf’s chair.)
Gandalf: Eomer, son
of Eomund, I have taken the liberty of mustering the Rohirrim, and they are
already en route to Minas Tirith as we speak.
Eomer: Oh, great!
Now, Eowyn, you stay here. War is
no place for a woman.
Eowyn: WHY do you
tell such LIES?
Eomer: Now now,
Eowyn, you know it’s for the best.
Eowyn: FARAMIR! (silence.
Obi-Wan is too busy trying to catch Peppy.) Tell him!
Faramir: (shoots nervous glance at Eomer, who is cracking
his knuckles and mouthing the word ‘Abstinence.’) Uhh… Errr… OOH! Look! An Imaginary Dragon!
Eowyn: You’re no help… I’ll just take matters into my own
hands…
Eomer: What did you
say?
Eowyn: Nothing
(Eowyn runs off, dragging Merry with her.)
(Others go, clamber on horses, prepare to depart. Faramir beckons Gandalf.)
Faramir: Ahh… Gandalf?
Gandalf: Yes?
(Faramir points at Whiskers)
Gandalf: But… Can’t I
just hold him for the ride..?
Faramir: …Fine… He’d
be too much of a hassle to carry anyway…
Gandalf: So… Anybody
know a quick route back to Gondor?
Obi-Wan: I know a shortcut…
(End of part X!
(tears up) We… We just don’t know
what to say… We’d like to thank… Mom… all of them… and God… all of them
too. (Openly weeping now, clutching
pencils tightly, like Oscars) And…
EGUARDO THE CHRISTMAS PONY! WE COULDN’T
HAVE GOTTEN ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOU, MAN!
GOD BLESS! (triumphantly
teary) But… Don’t worry, it’s not the
end. THE RANGERS OF E-THILIEN WILL WRITE
AGAIN TOMMORROW!)
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