Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 8

Refer to this post for an introduction

(Pelennor Fields.  Our Intrepid team (that is, SG-1) is wrapping up their picnic.  Teal’c is noticeably missing.  Suddenly, a large group of unfriendly Orcs… say, about 10,000 or so, come ravaging over the fields, causing general chaos and confusion. )

O’Neill: Pack it up kids!  It’s time to go!

Daniel:  Ooh! Natives!  I wonder if we can communicate with them?  (Starts off toward army, blissfully unaware of their menacing swords and clubs.)

O’Neill: (sigh) Daniel!  I think we should be headed… THIS way… (Gesture in the general direction of Minas Tirith.) 

Daniel: (crestfallen) But, Jack…

Carter: I think Colonel O’Neill is right, Daniel.  (starts trotting off to the city)

(Two leave hastily, dragging Daniel between them.) 

Carter: … Uh, sir?  Where’s Teal’c?

O’Neill:  He’ll show up eventually…

(They disappear over a rise.)

(Far away.)

(Faramir, Eowyn, Eomer, and Obi-Wan)

Obi-Wan: So!  Faramir, CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!  Where are we going? 

Faramir: (through gritted teeth) To find Gandalf.  And aren’t you playing the quiet game?

Obi-Wan:  (claps hand over mouth) 

Eowyn: But WHERE do we LOOK for him?

Eomer: (not paying attention) Look! (Points back toward Pelennor Fields) The armies of Mordor are marching on Minas Tirith! 

Faramir: (Perking up, a faraway look in his eye)  Of COURSE!  Now my Father will see the futility of fighting, throw himself off the pinnacle of the city, and then I WILL BECOME THE MOST LOVED STEWARD IN GONDORIAN HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!!  (Broadway hand thingy.) 

(General odd looks from all.)

Faramir: What?

Eomer:  We have to do something!  We cannot just abandon Gondor in her hour of need!

Faramir:  Of course we can’t!  I’m just waiting for my father to plummet to his death first!

Eowyn: (rolls eyes)

Eomer:  Come!  We must ride to Rohan and muster my brothers in arms, the horse- masters!  Perhaps they can break the lines of Mordor! 

Faramir: (under his breath)  What, with a cry of ‘Abstinence!’

Eowyn: Come now!  Boys, behave!

Obi-Wan: (about ready to explode)

Faramir: (looks at him) WHAT?

Obi-Wan:  I FOUND MY SOCKS!!! (Holds them up)  They were in the hood of my cloak all along!

Faramir:  Very good.  Good for you.

Obi-Wan:  Am I gonna get to use my lightsaber??  Do I still get ice cream?  You MADE me talk! 

Faramir: Yes, YES.  You get ice cream!  And… MAYBE you can use your lightsaber… 

Eowyn: Now, HOW are we going to GET to Rohan, muster the Rohirrim, and get back in time to save Minas Tirith?  …And wasn’t it YOUR job, Faramir…

Obi-Wan: CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!!

(all glare at Obi-Wan.  Obi-Wan shrinks in saddle)

Faramir:  You’ll lose more than your SOCKS if you continue that…

Eowyn: Ahem, as I was saying, wasn’t it your job to hold the river and Osgiliath?

Faramir:  (sigh)  WHERE do you hear such LIES??

Obi-Wan:  Wait… Is this my quest?  Am I on my quest?  I should ask Qui-Gon…

( Tries communicator thingie. It doesn’t work.)

Obi-Wan: Hmmm… It must be broken.  OH WELL! 

Eomer:  You know, Eowyn’s right, how ARE we going to get there in time?

Obi-Wan:  I know a shortcut!  First you turn left at that rock…

(Having no choice but to follow him, our intrepid (yes, we like the word “intrepid”  it’s like “Kazoo,”  It’s just fun to say.)  travelers set out for Rohan… they hope.)

(FALL BACK TO MINAS TIRITH!!! For, you know, like the seventeenth time…)

Denethor: (Dancing around the citadel, apparently alone, singing loudly.)  I’m too sexy for my chainmail, too sexy for my chainmail, so sexy, YEAH!!  I’m a model, you know what I mean, when I do my little fall off the Citadel!  Off the Citadel, off the… (Abrupt stop.)  Théoden… What are YOU doing up here?

Théoden-King: Were you just… singing?

Denethor:  NO.

Théoden- King: Sure you weren’t.  Just like you didn’t LICK the palantir!

Denethor: I DIDN’T LICK IT!!  Frederic! 

(Frederic strolls in, bottle of wine in one hand.)

Denethor:  Frederic, was I doing anything?

Frederic: Sure you were, you were dancing around singing “I’m too sexy for my chainmail…” (sings, using wine bottle as microphone, and dances about Citadel, sloshing wine on everything.)

Denethor: Frederic, You’re FIRED!

Frederic: (Dancing out)  No I’m not!  (Still singing)  When I do my little fall off the Citadel… (voice fades)

(At this point, Qui-Gon arrives with Aragorn and Legolas, all dressed in armor.  Legolas is munching lazily on a tomato.  You know, one that apparently escaped the pillaging and burning.  One that was still fresh, ripe, plump… the kind that just make you want to…)

Denethor:  Where did you get that?  (snatches at tomato)

Legolas: It’s mine.  I found it.  And it’s not got any alcohol in it!  None at all!

Denethor: (rolls eyes)  But… They’re MY tomatoes!  I am the STEWARD!

Aragorn:  And I am the one true king of Gondor… Blah blah… and I say he can eat the tomato.  Happy now?

Denethor: (Derisive snort)

(Ghost of Boromir sidles in, carrying The One Ring on a chain.)

Denethor:  (Seeing nothing but the Ring on the chain)  What is that… Is that the…

(Others watch in awe as Ring floats around Citadel.)

Qui-Gon:  It’s a… ring on a chain.  How spectacular….

Denethor:  (Pounces at Ring)  It’s MINE!  I WANT IT!  MY PRECIOUSSSS… (hisses and grabs at Ring)

(Ring/ Boromir’s Ghost lead Denethor to the very edge of the cliff.  Denethor teeters on brink, Ring floating just out of reach.)

Boromir’s Ghost: (giggles)

(Boromir’s Ghost fakes dropping the Ring several times.  Denethor watches in horror as the Ring lurches toward the ground, only to stop and be brought back before his eyes.)

Denethor: (taking one step too far) AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

(And so passes Denethor, son of Ecthelion.  In a burning INFERNO OF DEATH!!!  Just kidding… That was the movie.  We don’t have the budget for those kinds of special effects!)

Qui-Gon:  I’ve got him… (uses Force to pull Denethor to safety… again…)

Théoden-King: Why couldn’t you have just let him fall?

Qui-Gon:  … He seems more with it than the rest of us… besides, he knows the city.

(Orcs are closing in around the city, the echo of Black Speech reverberating through.  The men of Minas Tirith are gathered at the walls, and Pippin is in a corner somewhere, drinking ale from his helmet. Somehow Boromir has gone with the Ring again…  Suddenly, Qui-Gon’s communicator begins beeping.)

Denethor:  Isn’t your… talkie… thingy beeping?

Qui-Gon:  NO.  (tosses communicator over edge of city wall)

(communicator plummets to earth below, beaning Orc in head.  Orc falls down dead.  With an anguished cry, the Orcs begin streaming toward the city walls.) 

Théoden-King:  The war for Middle- Earth has begun…

(End of Part VIII.  Finally, some plot!  Well… sorta.  Hey… did you just see that?  It looked like… some dude in a purple coat, toting a whole bunch of chocolate…  Ahh, well, it was just our imagination, I guess…  Those darned imaginary dragons…)