(Back in Minas Tirith)
(The gates of the city.
We find our favorite Steward and his companions locked in a fell battle
for the freedom of Middle Earth. The
armies of the free peoples of Middle Earth, rallied from the four corners of
these lands, hewing Orcs fore and aft.
Cleaving the flesh and bone of their adversaries. Their mighty armor crushing the skulls of
their enemies underfoot. Their swords
gleaming in the bloody sunlight.
Their—(cough cough) Where were we?
Ahh yes, Théoden-King and Denethor fighting, side by side. Qui-Gon approaches, nudges Denethor.)
Qui-Gon: So… You’re
too sexy for your chainmail, eh?
Denethor: (To Théoden-King) Did you tell EVERYBODY?
(miscellaneous Orc approaches Denethor. They clash weapons.)
Orc: So, how’d that
Palantir taste, buddy?
Denethor: ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Lops
Orc’s head off.)
(SG-1 suddenly appears, crawling through vent. Daniel sees Orcs, attempts to escape and make
“contact.” Sam holds Daniel back,
brandishing Zat at general melee.)
Sam: (looking down at her CO’s feet.) Uhh, Sir, why are you wearing white
sneakers? They’re not regulation.
Jack: Um… So, who are
we fighting?
Denethor: (sidles up to trio) Have you heard anything about
anyone licking a Palantir?
Jack: What’s a
Palantir?
Denethor: You’re on my side!
(Fighting continues.)
Daniel:
(straightening and turning to Denethor) But… Why are we fighting? Can’t we come to some peaceful solution? I mean, what about Democracy?
Denethor: … (looks confused, then cleaves orc in two with
sword)
Qui-Gon: (edging
over) They don’t understand Democracy,
besides, it’s doomed to fail anyway.
Just use your blaster and you’ll be fine. …And don’t shoot the humans. Anything else is fair game.
Sam: Wait… so you’re
a Jedi..?
Misc. warriors/knights:
FOR GONDOR!!
Daniel: And this is…
Middle Earth… From Lord of the
Rings? Jack, where did you say this
Gate- address was?
Sam: But… Lightsabers are physically impossible. I mean, there’s no way to control light in
that manner, it would just diffuse into the atmosphere, and…
Qui-Gon: Nothing is
impossible with the Force.
Sam: No, but there is
physical evidence for the inability to control light in such a way as would
produce a controllable beam of sufficient power to behave like
a—lightsaber.
Qui-Gon: But I’M HOLDING ONE!
Sam: But…
Jack: Carter, let it go.
Look at us. We’re in a MOVIE.
Daniel: It was a book
first, Jack.
Jack: WHATEVER.
(It is plain that our heroes are losing their epic struggle
for life and death. They are vastly
outnumbered by the cruel, heartless Orcs.
In a moan of agony…)
Denethor: Théoden, You should have mustered the Rohirrim!!
Théoden- King: Well,
it’s a little late for that now, don’t you think?
(Suddenly, just as all seems lost, the sound of hoofbeats is
heard from beyond the city gates. But
alas, it is not the mighty Rohirrim astride their noble steeds, but the Monty
Python troupe, and their servants, clapping coconut halves together. And the only reason they’re not Orc fodder
now, is that the Orcs are too busy staring as they “gallop” past.)
Arthur, King of the Britons: I am Arthur, King of the
Britons! We seek the grail!
Denethor: We have no
Grail, we told you that before!
Arthur: Well then,
off we go!
Denethor: Wait! Stay, O brave knights and help us fight!
Arthur: And why would
we want to do that?
Denethor: Because…
uhhh…. OOH!! LOOK! IMAGINARY DRAGON!
Lancelot: DRAGON?
WHERE? HAVE AT YOU! I WILL SLAY THE MIGHTY DRAGON! (Starts hacking at troll mistakenly)
Arthur: Well, I guess
we’re stuck here now…
(But still, the Orcs spill ever farther into the city. Our intrepid heroes are being beaten back to
the Citadel itself. Cut to pantry. Frederic and Dinah the kitchen maid are
hiding under a table, being besieged by Orcs.
Orc attempts to seize Frederic’s wine bottle, only to be beaten back by
Dinah, brandishing a shoe.)
Dinah: Back! Back you
devils!
(Lo! On the horizon,
the Rohirrim, led by Obi-Wan, Gandalf, Eomer, and Faramir, accompanied by
Peppy, Whiskers, and Shadowfax., followed by a mysterious, sleight man, riding
with a hobbit! It is GLORIOUS!)
(They rush into the fray upon Pelennor Fields, only to
notice Yoda and Darth Vader, bags of peanuts in hand, chatting amiably among
the battling Orcs.)
(End of part XI.)
(Insert Author’s Note here.)
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