Friday, May 30, 2014

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 11

Refer to this post for an introduction

(Back in Minas Tirith)

(The gates of the city.  We find our favorite Steward and his companions locked in a fell battle for the freedom of Middle Earth.  The armies of the free peoples of Middle Earth, rallied from the four corners of these lands, hewing Orcs fore and aft.  Cleaving the flesh and bone of their adversaries.  Their mighty armor crushing the skulls of their enemies underfoot.  Their swords gleaming in the bloody sunlight.  Their—(cough cough) Where were we?  Ahh yes, Théoden-King and Denethor fighting, side by side.  Qui-Gon approaches, nudges Denethor.)

Qui-Gon:  So… You’re too sexy for your chainmail, eh?

Denethor: (To Théoden-King) Did you tell EVERYBODY?

(miscellaneous Orc approaches Denethor.  They clash weapons.)

Orc:  So, how’d that Palantir taste, buddy?

Denethor: ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Lops Orc’s head off.)

(SG-1 suddenly appears, crawling through vent.  Daniel sees Orcs, attempts to escape and make “contact.”  Sam holds Daniel back, brandishing Zat at general melee.)

Sam: (looking down at her CO’s feet.)  Uhh, Sir, why are you wearing white sneakers?  They’re not regulation.

Jack: Um…  So, who are we fighting?

Denethor: (sidles up to trio) Have you heard anything about anyone licking a Palantir?

Jack:  What’s a Palantir?

Denethor: You’re on my side!

(Fighting continues.)

Daniel:  (straightening and turning to Denethor) But… Why are we fighting?  Can’t we come to some peaceful solution?  I mean, what about Democracy?

Denethor: … (looks confused, then cleaves orc in two with sword)

Qui-Gon:  (edging over)  They don’t understand Democracy, besides, it’s doomed to fail anyway.  Just use your blaster and you’ll be fine.  …And don’t shoot the humans.  Anything else is fair game.

Sam:  Wait… so you’re a Jedi..? 

Misc. warriors/knights:  FOR GONDOR!!

Daniel:  And this is… Middle Earth…  From Lord of the Rings?  Jack, where did you say this Gate- address was?
Sam: But… Lightsabers are physically impossible.  I mean, there’s no way to control light in that manner, it would just diffuse into the atmosphere, and…

Qui-Gon:  Nothing is impossible with the Force.

Sam:  No, but there is physical evidence for the inability to control light in such a way as would produce a controllable beam of sufficient power to behave like a—lightsaber. 


Sam: But…

Jack: Carter, let it go.  Look at us.  We’re in a MOVIE.

Daniel:  It was a book first, Jack.


(It is plain that our heroes are losing their epic struggle for life and death.  They are vastly outnumbered by the cruel, heartless Orcs.  In a moan of agony…)

Denethor: Théoden, You should have mustered the Rohirrim!!

Théoden- King:  Well, it’s a little late for that now, don’t you think?

(Suddenly, just as all seems lost, the sound of hoofbeats is heard from beyond the city gates.  But alas, it is not the mighty Rohirrim astride their noble steeds, but the Monty Python troupe, and their servants, clapping coconut halves together.  And the only reason they’re not Orc fodder now, is that the Orcs are too busy staring as they “gallop” past.)

Arthur, King of the Britons: I am Arthur, King of the Britons!  We seek the grail!

Denethor:  We have no Grail, we told you that before!

Arthur:  Well then, off we go!

Denethor:  Wait!  Stay, O brave knights and help us fight!

Arthur:  And why would we want to do that?

Denethor:  Because… uhhh…. OOH!! LOOK! IMAGINARY DRAGON!

Lancelot: DRAGON?  WHERE?  HAVE AT YOU!  I WILL SLAY THE MIGHTY DRAGON!  (Starts hacking at troll mistakenly)

Arthur:  Well, I guess we’re stuck here now…

(But still, the Orcs spill ever farther into the city.  Our intrepid heroes are being beaten back to the Citadel itself.  Cut to pantry.  Frederic and Dinah the kitchen maid are hiding under a table, being besieged by Orcs.  Orc attempts to seize Frederic’s wine bottle, only to be beaten back by Dinah, brandishing a shoe.)

Dinah:  Back! Back you devils!

(Lo!  On the horizon, the Rohirrim, led by Obi-Wan, Gandalf, Eomer, and Faramir, accompanied by Peppy, Whiskers, and Shadowfax., followed by a mysterious, sleight man, riding with a hobbit!  It is GLORIOUS!)

(They rush into the fray upon Pelennor Fields, only to notice Yoda and Darth Vader, bags of peanuts in hand, chatting amiably among the battling Orcs.)

(End of part XI.) 

(Insert Author’s Note here.)

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