Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 12

Refer to this post for an introduction

(The City)

People of the City:  Look! Look! The Rohirrim!  They have been mustered!  We are saved!

Pippin:  Mustard?  Is it time for Second Breakfast already?  (leaves field of battle to go eat.)

Denethor: (Looking out toward the Rohirrim)  Is that… My SON?  Faramir is leading the Rohirrim?  Theoden!  My son conquered your lands in your absence, and now he rides to his father’s aid! 

Theoden-King:  Oh, go suck on that Palantir some more…

Denethor:  (Looking more closely at the group)  What?  GANDALF??  Faramir is no son of mine!  Boromir!  Boromir was loyal to me, not some WIZARD’S PUPIL!!!!!

Theoden- King:  Look! And there’s Eomer!  But… Where’s Eowyn?  And… look!  Who’s that skinny kid riding with the hobbit?

Denethor: I dunno…  But FARAMIR HAS BETRAYED ME!  ABANDON YOUR POSTS!! (spraying spit everywhere, and running, flailing, around the courtyard of the Citadel.)

Theoden- King: (Wiping spit off his face) At least he’s coming to your aid…

Denethor:  (Not paying attention, still running about like a chicken with his head cut off.  Theoden-King sticks out leg, and Denethor trips, flying over the Citadel wall.)

(Qui-Gon catches Denethor and brings him back up with the Force.)

Qui-Gon:  Oops, lost my grip!  (lets Denethor fall a story or two, then begins bringing him back up)  Oops… (repeats process a few times)

(Pelennor Fields)

Faramir:  LOOK!  My father has gone flying off the Citadel wall!  Now I can be Steward… no KING of Gondor!! (Broadway hand thingie)

Eomer:  Don’t you think you’re getting a little ahead of yourself?

Faramir:  Look!  He’s falling!.. No, wait, somebody’s caught him.  NO! HE’S FALLING AGAIN!  No, wait… (continues for some time.)

(Aragorn and Legolas have battled their way out onto Pelennor fields.  They pass Yoda and Darth Vader.)

Yoda:  (poking dying Orc with walking stick)  Hurt that must, YEESSS… 

Legolas: (counting as he kills Orcs)  Eleventy-two!  Eleventy- three!

Aragorn:  Legolas, there is no such number as eleventy-two.

Legolas: Yes there is!

Aragorn:  If there is, then I’m the Lady of Light.

Legolas: My lady!  I did not think to be looking upon your beauty again so soon!

Aragorn: …

(Eomer prepares the Rohirrim for a charge.)

Obi-Wan:  YAY! I get to use my lightsaber!!

Eomer:  (lunging forward)  ABSTINENCE!!!

Rohirrim:  ABSTINENCE!!!

Faramir:  CHASTITY BELT!!!  (fighting back laughter)

Eomer:  (Stops short)  …You have problems.  That’s just sick.

Faramir:  But… But… I thought… Nevermind.

(They charge)

(Back up in the Citadel)

Qui-Gon:  And… Joy of all joys, my young Padawan has returned to me.

Obi-Wan: (trots up to Qui-Gon, twirling beanie propeller and waving lightsaber about recklessly.  Peppy is trailing behind.) (speaking as quickly and as high pitched as humanly possible) Qui-Gon!  Guess what?  I lost my socks again!  I tied them to my ankle for safekeeping, but it was a really long string, and it was dragging behind, and I forgot, so I was like ‘what is this string?’  So I pulled it… and there were my socks!  And then we went through the woods on a shortcut, and we went left at the tree instead of right, and we saw Darian and some dancing weasels, and then we realized that we should have gone right at the tree, so we went back, and saw Obi-Wonka, and then I lost my socks again, but I got them back again, and we went right at the tree, and then we saw a circus so we went, and there was master Yoda and Darth Vader, and they gave me this cool hat, and they were eating cotton candy, and then we went to Edoras, and we found Gandalf, and Peppy, and Whiskers, and Shadowfax, and Gimli’s axe, and we mustered the Rohirrim, and we came back here as fast as we could, and then I saw you, so I ran up to the citadel, and I came up and I told you this story and I told you how I found my socks! 

Qui-Gon:  Is it possible that you have gotten worse since I last saw you?  (Whispers to nearby Orc)  Kill him.  Please.  I will pay you to kill him.

(cut to: Pantry)

(Dinah and Frederic still fighting off Orcs with Dinah’s shoe.  Suddenly…)

Gandalf:  STAY THIS MADNESS! (Orcs scamper off.) 

(Gandalf cleaves wine bottle in two with sword.)

Frederic:  But… THAT’S THE LAST OF THE WINE!  IT WAS VINTAGE SECOND AGE!  YOU CAN’T EVEN FIND THAT STUFF ON E-THILIEN.COM!!!

(Cut back to: Pelennor Fields)

(a mysterious figure is quickly making a name for himself in battle.  He has felled many Orcs, with the hobbit Merry in tow.)

(The Witch King swoops out of the sky and confronts our young, mysterious hero.)

Witch King:  Die now, and spare yourself the agony of my wrath…

Hero: WHERE do you hear such LIES?

Witch King:  FOOL!  No man can kill me.

Faramir: EOWYN, NOOOOOOOO!!! (runs toward pair)

Witch King:  Don’t you know, my sword will tear through your armor like tissue paper! (Witch King tosses Faramir aside. He lies motionless.)

(Cut to Citadel)

Denethor:  MY SON!!!!!!  (runs to edge of cliff)  Qui-Gon, lower me down!!

Qui-Gon: No way buddy.  You have to stay up here and help us fight.  Besides, first you want up, then you want down, make up your mind!

Theoden-King:  Don’t worry about your baby boy, Denethor, Eowyn’s down there.  She’ll look after him. 

Denethor:  It’s because of Eowyn that he’s down there in the first place!  This is all your fault, as usual, Theoden!

(Back to Pelennor Fields)

Hero:  Damn straight.  (Rips off helmet to reveal that it is indeed Eowyn, shieldmaiden of Rohan.  She stabs the witch King.)  I am NO MAN!

Eomer: (From elsewhere on Pelennor Fields)  Eowyn?  Eowyn..?  ABSTINENCE!!!!!

Witch King:  KKkkk… (Horrid, creepy dying noises, and this bizarre sucking sound, as his wraith-ness is destroyed.) (Grating female voice emits from shrinking cloak)  Who would have thought a good little girl like you could have destroyed my beautiful wickedness?  Oh what a world, what a world.  I’m melting… MELTING!!!  (A hiss, then, silence)

(Horns in the distance.  Those painted dudes from the south, the ones riding the Oliphaunts, well, they just happened to pick now to show up.)

Obi-Wan: LOOK! Qui-Gon, the circus has come to town!

Qui-Gon: (shakes head)

Monty Python:  RUN AWAAAAYYYY!!!!  (Runs away, coconuts clacking furiously)

(As the Oliphaunts and their menacing riders advance, narrowly missing trampling the Pythons, a ghostly blowing of the horn of Gondor is heard.  It seems our friend Boromir has managed to muster the armies of the dead.)

Aragorn:  But… only the one true King of Gondor can muster the Armies of the Dead…

King of the Dead: (Knocks Aragorn unconscious.)

Legolas: ARAGORN!!!!!

Obi-Wan: (from in the city) KING OF GONDOR!!!

Denethor: Stop that, STOP THAT!!!

(Army of the Dead rampages through Minas Tirith, drawing the Orc armies back to Pelennor Fields, but not even the might of the dead can conquer Gondor’s enemies.)

(The Oliphaunts are drawing ever closer to our stranded friends on Pelennor Fields.  Eowyn and Merry are attempting to drag Faramir to safety, but are hindered by Eomer who is trying to drag Eowyn to safety.  Legolas has grabbed Aragorn by the boot, and is desperately trying to drag him away, but is sadly too intoxicated to get very far.  Gandalf, meanwhile is in the city, attempting to wrangle all the animals of Minas Tirith and lead them to safety.  The Oliphaunts are beginning to take chunks out of the city walls now, and the Nazgul on their fell beasts are swooping in.  All hope seems lost for our intrepid friends.)

(A fell beast swoops particularly close to the Citadel.  Upon it rides… TEAL’C!)

Teal’c: COLONEL O’NEILL!!

(All in the citadel look up in amazement.  Teal’c flies valiantly into battle, leading the remaining Nazgul away from the fields, and off into the horizon.)

(Without a word, Col. O’Neill sweeps off his baseball cap.  This reveals a luxuriant golden, shoulder length mane.  He reaches into his pocket, and extracts a paperclip, holding it triumphantly above his head.  He has become MacGyver, and all before him gape with wonder.)

(Gondor’s adversaries stop in their tracks.  A moment of silence passes over the entire realm of Gondor, then suddenly)

Gondor’s Adversaries:  RUN AWAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!!  (Thundering footsteps of thousands of Orcs, men, Oliphaunts, and trolls, retreating to wherever they came from.)

(End of part XII.)  (MacGyver, who knew?  (Does the happy MacGyver dance))

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 11

Refer to this post for an introduction

(Back in Minas Tirith)

(The gates of the city.  We find our favorite Steward and his companions locked in a fell battle for the freedom of Middle Earth.  The armies of the free peoples of Middle Earth, rallied from the four corners of these lands, hewing Orcs fore and aft.  Cleaving the flesh and bone of their adversaries.  Their mighty armor crushing the skulls of their enemies underfoot.  Their swords gleaming in the bloody sunlight.  Their—(cough cough) Where were we?  Ahh yes, Théoden-King and Denethor fighting, side by side.  Qui-Gon approaches, nudges Denethor.)

Qui-Gon:  So… You’re too sexy for your chainmail, eh?

Denethor: (To Théoden-King) Did you tell EVERYBODY?

(miscellaneous Orc approaches Denethor.  They clash weapons.)

Orc:  So, how’d that Palantir taste, buddy?

Denethor: ARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! (Lops Orc’s head off.)

(SG-1 suddenly appears, crawling through vent.  Daniel sees Orcs, attempts to escape and make “contact.”  Sam holds Daniel back, brandishing Zat at general melee.)

Sam: (looking down at her CO’s feet.)  Uhh, Sir, why are you wearing white sneakers?  They’re not regulation.

Jack: Um…  So, who are we fighting?

Denethor: (sidles up to trio) Have you heard anything about anyone licking a Palantir?

Jack:  What’s a Palantir?

Denethor: You’re on my side!

(Fighting continues.)

Daniel:  (straightening and turning to Denethor) But… Why are we fighting?  Can’t we come to some peaceful solution?  I mean, what about Democracy?

Denethor: … (looks confused, then cleaves orc in two with sword)

Qui-Gon:  (edging over)  They don’t understand Democracy, besides, it’s doomed to fail anyway.  Just use your blaster and you’ll be fine.  …And don’t shoot the humans.  Anything else is fair game.

Sam:  Wait… so you’re a Jedi..? 

Misc. warriors/knights:  FOR GONDOR!!

Daniel:  And this is… Middle Earth…  From Lord of the Rings?  Jack, where did you say this Gate- address was?

Sam: But… Lightsabers are physically impossible.  I mean, there’s no way to control light in that manner, it would just diffuse into the atmosphere, and…

Qui-Gon:  Nothing is impossible with the Force.

Sam:  No, but there is physical evidence for the inability to control light in such a way as would produce a controllable beam of sufficient power to behave like a—lightsaber. 

Qui-Gon: But I’M HOLDING ONE!

Sam: But…

Jack: Carter, let it go.  Look at us.  We’re in a MOVIE.

Daniel:  It was a book first, Jack.

Jack: WHATEVER.

(It is plain that our heroes are losing their epic struggle for life and death.  They are vastly outnumbered by the cruel, heartless Orcs.  In a moan of agony…)

Denethor: Théoden, You should have mustered the Rohirrim!!

Théoden- King:  Well, it’s a little late for that now, don’t you think?

(Suddenly, just as all seems lost, the sound of hoofbeats is heard from beyond the city gates.  But alas, it is not the mighty Rohirrim astride their noble steeds, but the Monty Python troupe, and their servants, clapping coconut halves together.  And the only reason they’re not Orc fodder now, is that the Orcs are too busy staring as they “gallop” past.)

Arthur, King of the Britons: I am Arthur, King of the Britons!  We seek the grail!

Denethor:  We have no Grail, we told you that before!

Arthur:  Well then, off we go!

Denethor:  Wait!  Stay, O brave knights and help us fight!

Arthur:  And why would we want to do that?

Denethor:  Because… uhhh…. OOH!! LOOK! IMAGINARY DRAGON!

Lancelot: DRAGON?  WHERE?  HAVE AT YOU!  I WILL SLAY THE MIGHTY DRAGON!  (Starts hacking at troll mistakenly)

Arthur:  Well, I guess we’re stuck here now…

(But still, the Orcs spill ever farther into the city.  Our intrepid heroes are being beaten back to the Citadel itself.  Cut to pantry.  Frederic and Dinah the kitchen maid are hiding under a table, being besieged by Orcs.  Orc attempts to seize Frederic’s wine bottle, only to be beaten back by Dinah, brandishing a shoe.)

Dinah:  Back! Back you devils!

(Lo!  On the horizon, the Rohirrim, led by Obi-Wan, Gandalf, Eomer, and Faramir, accompanied by Peppy, Whiskers, and Shadowfax., followed by a mysterious, sleight man, riding with a hobbit!  It is GLORIOUS!)

(They rush into the fray upon Pelennor Fields, only to notice Yoda and Darth Vader, bags of peanuts in hand, chatting amiably among the battling Orcs.)

(End of part XI.) 

(Insert Author’s Note here.)

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 10

Refer to this post for an introduction.

(Somewhere.  We’re not exactly sure where, but definitely somewhere…)

Obi-Wan:  And then turn right at that tree… I think…

Faramir:  WHAT DO YOU MEAN “I THINK?”  You’re not allowed to think!  Don’t you know where you’re taking us?

Obi-Wan: Yes… I mean… no…

Faramir: THEN WHY DID YOU SAY YOU KNEW A SHORTCUT??

Obi-Wan: Because I know lots of shortcuts!  Just… not here…  Like if you go through the vent in the Dark marshes…

Faramir: THERE IS NO VENT THERE.  AND IT’S THE DEAD MARSHES!!!!

Obi-Wan: Of course there is!  It leads to Minas Tirith!  How do you think we got there? 

Eomer:  ENOUGH! Both of you!  We won’t get anywhere with you two arguing!

Obi-Wan:  But… if there’s no vent in the Dark Marshes… OOO! LOOK!  A CARNIVAL!

Faramir: What??

Obi-Wan: CARNIVAL! YAY! CAN WE GO?  CAN WE? CANWECANWECANWE PLEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE??????

Faramir:  Eowyn… Do you still carry a sword?

Eowyn:  WHERE do you hear such LIES?

Faramir:  Eowyn, we all know you carry a sword.  Get over it.

Eomer:  WHAT?  You carry a sword?  WAR is the province of MEN, Eowyn.

Eowyn:  Why do you want it, for you or him?

Faramir: …Can I use it on both of us..?

(Obi-Wan catches sight of two familiar figures.  They are our good friends, Yoda and Darth Vader.  Yoda sports a beanie hat (you know the ones with the propeller thingies)  and Vader carries a large, pink stuffed bear.  Both are eating cotton candy.  How Darth Vader is eating cotton candy, I don’t know.  How was he drinking from the beer helmet?  Don’t split hairs with us, I’ve told you that once before!) 

Obi-Wan:  MASTER YODA!  OOH! THAT’S A COOL HAT! WHERE DID YOU GET SUCH A COOL HAT? CAN I GET A COOL HAT LIKE THAT?  FARAMIR, CAN I GO GET A COOL HAT LIKE MASTER YODA’S?  PLEASE??

Faramir: Yes, YES.  Go get your hat…

(Obi-Wan scurries off)

Faramir:  Do you happen to know a shortcut to Rohan?  I mean, you’ve been all over Middle Earth, it seems… 

Yoda:  Shortcut we know, YEESSS… Left at the rock you must turn, and at the tree, right… YEESSS…

Eomer:  You mean he was right the whole time?

Yoda: Listen to him you did not.  NOOO… Listen to him you must… YEESSS…

Obi-Wan: (distantly) OOOH! PIXIE STIX!!

(All exchange glances)

Faramir:  Come on Obi-Wan!  Time to go!

(Obi-Wan returns, pockets rustling suspiciously.)

Obi-Wan: (Frowning) But I didn’t get a hat! Master Yoda, where did you get the hat?  Can you show me where to find the hats?  I really want a cool hat before we go!

Yoda: (Thrusting own hat into Obi-Wan’s hands)  Take it you must, young Padawan… YEESSS…  Now go you will…

Obi-Wan:  Oh, one last thing… Master Yoda, am I on my quest?

(Triumphant trumpet music)

Yoda:  Tipped you off the music should, YEESSS…

(So, our intrepid group of explorers leaves Yoda and Darth Vader behind, chatting amiably.  Like always.  They wander away, until the carnival has disappeared from sight, and then turn right at the nearest tree.  Suddenly, Edoras mysteriously materializes before them on a hilltop.)

Obi-Wan: I TOLD YOU!

(Our group takes off at full gallop toward Edoras.  Once there, they charge into the great hall, and skid to a halt in surprise.  There, sitting on the throne, is Gandalf, stroking a purring Whiskers and smoking a pipe.  Peppy is chasing his tail, but stops at the sight of Obi-Wan, and leaps on him, yapping and squirming.)

Eomer: You have no power here, Gandalf the Grey…

Boromir’s Ghost:  (Who has floated in… still sullen) you mean Gandalf the GAY…

Faramir: (chuckles, then begins to laugh loudly)

(Strange looks from all.)

Faramir:  What?  Uhh…. Sorry, imaginary dragons… heh…

(General rolled eyes.)

Eomer:  Gandalf, we must muster the Rohirrim, Minas Tirith is in danger!

Faramir: …And Father wants me to get his cat back... Well… That and he wants to drag you in irons up to the Citadel before him, so that he can fling you from the pinnacle of the city and watch you tumble mercilessly to the ground below.  And then he’ll probably post your head and limbs out on the gates of the city… so he can watch the Orcs write degrading graffiti on the walls of the city in your blood… (Continues in bored monotone)

Obi-Wan:  And I want my dog!  (Sniffles)

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Eowyn: And Shadowfax belongs to the people of the Rohirrim!

Gimli: (trotting in, panting)  And… My… Axe…

Merry: (who has just entered the Great Hall) …  (Hands Gimli another copy of the script)

Gimli:  Not… You too?

Merry: (Nods)

(Gimli exits, but not before he seizes his axe from beside Gandalf’s chair.)

Gandalf:  Eomer, son of Eomund, I have taken the liberty of mustering the Rohirrim, and they are already en route to Minas Tirith as we speak.

Eomer: Oh, great!  Now, Eowyn, you stay here.  War is no place for a woman.

Eowyn:  WHY do you tell such LIES?

Eomer:  Now now, Eowyn, you know it’s for the best.

Eowyn: FARAMIR! (silence.  Obi-Wan is too busy trying to catch Peppy.) Tell him!

Faramir: (shoots nervous glance at Eomer, who is cracking his knuckles and mouthing the word ‘Abstinence.’)  Uhh… Errr… OOH! Look!  An Imaginary Dragon!

Eowyn: You’re no help… I’ll just take matters into my own hands…

Eomer:  What did you say?

Eowyn: Nothing

(Eowyn runs off, dragging Merry with her.)

(Others go, clamber on horses, prepare to depart.  Faramir beckons Gandalf.)

Faramir: Ahh… Gandalf?

Gandalf:  Yes?

(Faramir points at Whiskers)

Gandalf:  But… Can’t I just hold him for the ride..?

Faramir:  …Fine… He’d be too much of a hassle to carry anyway…

Gandalf:  So… Anybody know a quick route back to Gondor?

Obi-Wan: I know a shortcut…

(End of part X!  (tears up)  We… We just don’t know what to say… We’d like to thank… Mom… all of them… and God… all of them too.  (Openly weeping now, clutching pencils tightly, like Oscars)  And… EGUARDO THE CHRISTMAS PONY!  WE COULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN ANYWHERE WITHOUT YOU, MAN!  GOD BLESS!  (triumphantly teary)  But… Don’t worry, it’s not the end.  THE RANGERS OF E-THILIEN WILL WRITE AGAIN TOMMORROW!)

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 9

Refer to this post for an introduction. 

(Road to Mordor, very dark and fiery and Brimstone-y…)

Frodo:  They’ve taken the Ring, Sam…

Samwise the Brave:  Oh, well, that’s not so bad there, Mr. Frodo.  We’ve got some nice taters here that we can boil up for supper…

Gollum/Sméagol:  What’s “taters” Precious?

Samwise the Brave: Taters!  You know, Po-Ta-Toes?  Boil ‘em, Mash ‘em, Stick ‘em in a stew?

(Suddenly Boromir’s Ghost tromps in sadly.  He thrusts out the Ring toward Frodo.)

Boromir’s Ghost:  Here… Gandalf said I had to give this back.  Take it.  I don’t care.  Whatever…

Frodo:  What was that, Sam?  I thought… The wind seemed to be talking to me for a moment… Wait, is that?

Boromir’s Ghost:  …Do you ever reach a point where you feel your life has no meaning?

(Frodo and Sam ignore Boromir, as they cannot see him.  Both lunge at the Ring.  Gollum/Sméagol too busy weeping with joy to care.) 

(End of Part IX.  Yeah, another shorty… And now for a musical interlude by our friend Boromir.)

Boromir’s Ghost:  …Someday we’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection, The lovers, the dreamers, and me… (Continues singing, until voice fades out.) 

(There you have it Kids, Boromir, Live in Concert!)