Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 3

Refer to this post for an introduction

(Later that night…)

Théoden- King:  Denethor, YOU’RE the steward, where are we all going to sleep?

Eomer: (Glowering) Faramir and Eowyn had better not be in the same room! 

Eowyn: Eomer, WHERE do you hear such RUMORS?

Denethor: FREDERIC!!

Obi-Wan:  SERVANT OF GONDOR!

Qui-Gon: Maybe someone will cut his tongue out in the night…

Denethor:  Frederic?  Make sure all the rooms are prepared.  Oh, and fetch Faramir his rug…

Faramir: RUG?  But… I have my own room, Father.

Denethor:  Your brother’s ghost is sleeping in there.

Faramir:  But you preserved HIS room as if he never left!

Denethor: EXACTLY.  I wouldn’t allow anyone in there now!

Frederic: (reading list of shared rooms) Eomer and Eowyn,

Eomer: (smirks)

Eowyn: WHY do you tell such LIES?

Frederic:  Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan

Qui-Gon: OH No… NOT AGAIN. 

Frederic: Aragorn and Legolas,

Legolas:  Slumber party!

Frederic: Pippin and Gandalf

Gandalf: Fool of a Took…

Frederic: Denethor and Théoden- King

Denethor:  I have to share a room with THEODEN- KING?  I am STEWARD!

Frederic: It was either Théoden or Aragorn…

Denethor: Well, I guess he IS the lesser of two evils…

Théoden: Oh, yeah… This is going to go REAL well…

Frederic: And, of course, on the rug is Faramir…

Obi-Wan: CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!

Qui-Gon: ON THE RUG, OBI-WAN.

Obi-Wan: But… Master?

Qui-Gon: You’re sleeping ON THE RUG!  And take this MONSTROSITY with you!  (holds out leg, with Peppy attached)

Obi-Wan: (leaps on crispy rug next to Faramir) (Peppy bounds to rug too)  Good night, Qui-Gon! MASTER OF JEDI!!!

Qui-Gon: (weeps)

(Crowd disperses, leaving only Faramir, Obi-Wan, and Peppy, they fall asleep peacefully.)

(Pippin and Gandalf)

Pippin: Why is the sky blue?

Gandalf: Mmph…

Pippin: Why aren’t Orcs purple?

Gandalf: (Growls)

Pippin: Why do you look so angry?  

Gandalf: (hand strays to staff, thinks of good curse.)

Pippin: Why is the vein in your temple pulsing?

Gandalf: …

Pippin:  Why..?

Gandalf: IF you do not quiet THIS INSTANT, I will be forced to take measures to ensure silence… PERMANENTLY!

Pippin: How do you do that?

Gandalf:  (Buries head in pillow)

(Aragorn and Legolas.  In the midst of a pillow fight)

Legolas: Follow the butterflies!  Follow the butterflies! (singing)

Aragorn:  Why must you sing that ALL THE TIME?

Legolas: I don’t know… It’s stuck in my head.

Aragorn: Ok… (Sings with)

(Eomer and Eowyn)

Eomer: You see, Eowyn, it’s so… liberating, not to tie yourself down with one person until you’re really ready.  You need to grow up, see the world, experience life before you settle down.

Eowyn: Zzzzz….

Eomer: Eowyn..?

(Denethor and Théoden-King)

(Both are sitting, facing separate walls, not speaking, not making eye contact, except for shifty glances in each other’s direction.)

Denethor:  You know… I didn’t really LICK the palantir.

Théoden- King:  (Growls)  Uh huh…

Denethor: I didn’t!

Théoden- King:  Sure, I believe you Denethor, old buddy old pal… (snorts into pillow)

Denethor: I DIDN’T!!!

(argument continues for rest of night)

(Frederic sleeps in pantry, accompanied by Dinah, the kitchen servant, a bottle of the best wine, and, of course, the tomatoes.  You know, the ones that Denethor narrowly missed smashing in his tussle with Théoden- King… The ones with the firm, red exterior, and fresh green leaves.  The ones that make such a pretty picture you just want to…)

(Ghost of Boromir raids nearby Inns for ale.  Scares all innkeepers.  All the innkeepers who look the same as every other innkeeper in the entirety of the fantasy world.  Yes, THOSE innkeepers.)

(Meanwhile, Qui-Gon is sleeping peacefully, with a smile.  He, of course, has no idea that, at this moment, Whiskers is sprawled, sleeping, across his face.)

(End of Part III.  Oh come on, you didn’t ACTUALLY think…  We’re just getting started! *Cracks knuckles*)