Refer to this post for the introduction.
Denethor: (At table, stuffing face with tomatoes) (Juicy
tomatoes, the kind that make you want to…) Mmmmm… Mmmredrick!!!
Frederic: (Drunkenly, as always) (Pokes head up from under
table, wine sloshing across floor) Ssssir..?
Denethor: (leering at Frederic) Bring me MORE TOMATOES! Oh, and some oil…
Frederic: (stumbling drunkenly from under table, sloshing
wine over all, including Denethor) Rrright away… Sssir… (Collapses)
Denethor: Oh Dammit… Not again… FARAMIR!!!!
Faramir: NO!! NO! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!! NOOOOOO!!!!! (Is
dragged in by a guard of the citadel)
(Sweetly) Yes father?
Denethor: Frederic’s passed out again, so that means YOU get
to be the servant for the day. MORE
TOMATOES!!! AND BRING WOOD AND OIL…
(Strange looks from all.)
Denethor: It gets
cold in the Citadel all alone at night… All I want is a fire.
Faramir: FIRE!? WHERE!?
Oh… Sorry father. Right away. Oh, and Father?
Denethor: Yes?
Faramir: Don’t make me sleep on the floor again tonight, father.
Denethor: No, no, of course not son, now BRING WOOD AND OIL.
(Faramir leaves, practically running once outside, to fetch
wood and oil… and tomatoes. You know, those really red ones. The Beefsteak variety. Those hybrid ones that are HUGE…)
(Moments later…)
Faramir: Here… Father… (pants, then collapses atop stack of
wood, sloshing oil over everything… including Denethor.)
(High-pitched shrieking, emanating from three tiers
down) HE’S NOT DEAD!!! HE’S NOT
DEAD!!!!! (Shrieks reach fever pitch as Hobbit draws ever closer.) HE’S NOT… Ooo… Wine! (Pippin proceeds to
snatch Denethor’s wine goblet, gulping greedily, then turns to suck remainder
of sloshed wine from rug.)
Denethor: Hey! That was Mine! (Watches Pippin wringing wine from rug) Uhh… Nevermind. You can have that. (To self) That rug hasn’t been laundered
since the Second Age…
Pippin: (looking innocent and indicating Faramir) He… he’s
not dead.
Denethor: I know he’s not dead, you twit. If he were dead he would be lying on the… oh
wait… Well he would be covered with… Well… He would be on fire!
(Candle falls from bracket, igniting wood, oil, and
Faramir.)
Denethor: Oh Damn… Somebody put him out.
Frederic: (Waking from drunken stupor.) I’ve got him, Sssir! (Proceeds to dump wine over the pyre.)
Denethor: NOOOO!!!!
THAT’S THE LAST OF THE WINE!!! Oh… and,
you know, my only son…
Gandalf: (Rushes in) STAY THIS MADNESS!!! (Seizes wine from
Frederic.) What have I told you about
drinking?!?
Faramir: (Now awake and dancing to put the flames out) HOT.
HOT! Uhh… little help here?
Pippin: (Starts beating with wine-soaked rug, igniting it.)
Denethor: NOOO!!! That’s been there since the Second Age! Do you know how much I could get for that on
E- Thilien? Besides… where would Faramir
sleep?
Pippin: Mmm… Do you
smell that?
Denethor: Smells
like… Flame broiled burgers…
Faramir: Smells like FLESH BURNING!!!
Denethor: (Not listening) What I wouldn’t do for an
affordable, fast meal on the go… Burger King!
NO! Burger… Steward! (Laughs
maniacally) (Does that hand thing that
everyone does on Broadway when imagining something great)
Faramir: (Brushing soot off clothing) Thank you SO MUCH
father, for your HELP and CONCERN.
Seeing as I am your ONLY HEIR…
(All conversation stops as loud meowing is heard…
suspiciously from somewhere inside Gandalf’s robe)
Denethor:
Whiskers? (Frantically looking
for Whiskers.) Whiskers? Here Kitty-kitty-kitty! Oh, Poor Whiskers, he hasn’t even had his
tomatoes and wine! Here I was, worrying
about Faramir…
Faramir: You… you
were worried about me?
Denethor: No. WHISKERS???
(Denethor is frantically looking for Whiskers on the ceiling
somewhere. Everyone else is staring at
Gandalf.)
Gandalf: What? (Looks
at ceiling with Denethor) Whiskers? Uhhh… here kitty-kitty..? (Something pricks Gandalf) OW.
Denethor: (Looking with the utmost suspicion at Gandalf
now.)
Gandalf: Uhh… stomach cramp, sorry. (doubles over in
“Pain”) (Cat scrambles out of robe)
Denethor: OH MY POOR
WHISKERS!!! Gandalf, HOW DARE YOU? You
stole my cat!
Theoden- King: (Suddenly appearing) And MY Shadowfax.
Gimli: (also suddenly appearing) And MY axe!
Pippin: Umm… Gimli… (Hands dwarf a VERY THICK script,
labeled “The Lord of the Rings” )
Gimli- (Leafing through script) Oh… Uhh… sorry… (Tromps off)
Eowyn: (Climbing through window, pulling branches out of her
hair) Quick, Faramir! While they’re all distracted!
Eomer: (Falls out of miscellaneous vent) FARAMIR!
(all eyes turn to trio) You were
going to sneak off with MY SISTER!!!
Faramir: Well… That
ruins that BRILLIANT plan…
Eowyn: (Laughing forcedly) Eomer… WHERE do you hear such
LIES?
Denethor: What have I told you about the women of the
Rohirrim? They have such EXPENSIVE
tastes! Always shopping at that Gap of
Rohan! Are you listening to me?
FARAMIR!!
Obi-Wan Kenobi: (Falling
out of vent. Yes, the same vent Eomer
just climbed through. Don’t split hairs
with me!) CAPTAIN OF GONDOR! Oh… Wait… I think I’ve lost my socks again…
(searches around him in vent) Qui-Gon… I
think I lost them in the dark marshes…
Qui-Gon: Oh, not
again, and it’s the DEAD marshes… And for the last time, we’re NOT going back
to look for them! I still have… dead
things… clinging to my cloak. (Pulls himself out of vent, trailing whole dead
elf, one hand clamped around cloak)
Gandalf: Wait… Isn’t that… Legolas?
Pippin: (matter-of-factly)
He’s in a dress.
Gandalf: Fool of a Took… LEGOLAS! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT DRINKING ALE??
Legolas: Aragorn… Back me up…
Qui-Gon: He’s Alive?
You mean to tell me I’ve been dragging this… THING for miles, and he’s
ALIVE??
Obi-Wan: …Another pathetic life- form… (sighs)
Legolas: (Still drunk and confused) You’re not… Aragorn?
Gandalf: Of course
not, you imbecile! He’s… He’s… Wait a
minute… Who ARE you?
Pippin: So much for the all knowing wizard…
Gandalf: FOOL OF A TOOK.
Why don’t you throw yourself on the fire next time and rid us all of
your STUPIDITY!
Denethor: (His mouth full of tomato… You know, the ones
Faramir burnt, the ones with the nice, crispy exterior, and the ever- so- sweet
insides that just make you want to…)
Yes… Who ARE you? (spitting
tomato everywhere) FARAMIR!
Obi-Wan: (Interrupting)
Captain of Gondor!
Qui-Gon: WILL you stop that?
Faramir: But… I was enjoying the attention… (Gets faraway
look) Soon it will be STEWARD of
Gondor! (Does the broadway hand thing.)
Denethor: Enough!! (Stroking Whiskers) You’re not Steward yet!
Faramir: (muttering
darkly) We can change that… (seizes
Obi-Wan’s Lightsaber, and, attempting to wield it, grazes Whiskers)
Denethor: WHISKERS!!! (Clutches half-bald cat to him) What have you done to my precious!!
Gandalf: It’s been
called that before, but not by you…
Pippin: (tosses script to Gandalf)
Gandalf: Oh, uhhh… Wrong line… Continue then…
Qui-Gon: Oh, for the love of… I am Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn…
Obi-Wan: And I’m
Obi-Wan… CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!!
Faramir: But… I’m Captain of Gondor…
Obi-Wan: Oh, right… I’m just Qui-Gon’s apprentice… (looks
crestfallen)
Theoden- King: But…
What’s a Jedi?
Qui-Gon: It’s a… It’s… Nevermind. We’re knights.
(In comes a chorus of singing knights. It is the troupe of Monty Python and the Holy
Grail.)
Knights: (singing and dancing across Denethor’s table) We’re
knights of the Round Table!
We Dance
when e’er we’re able.
We do
routines and chorus scenes,
And foot
work impeccable!
We dine
well here in Camelot, we eat ham and Jam and Spamalot!!!
King Arthur: I TOLD
you we shouldn’t have come to Camelot… it is a silly place.
Denethor: (White with fury)
This is NOT Camelot, It is Minas Tirith, and I am Steward!! (Banging
goblet on table) We don’t even OWN any
Camels, how could this be Camelot?
Galahad: Look! It’s
the Grail! (Points at Denethor and
Goblet)
Lancelot: (Whips out sword)
I Will attempt a DARING, BRAVE rescue of the Grail from the hand of this
FIEND!
Denethor: I’m not a
fiend!! I’m a STEWARD! How many times
must I SAY that?
(Enter Sir Robin with band of minstrels, one of whom looks
strangely familiar)
Minstrels: Brave sir Robin ran away!
Bravely ran
away, away!
When Danger
reared its ugly head
Sir Robin
turned his tail and fled…
Sir Robin: I DIDN’T!
Denethor: (Puts head in hands, beyond care or comprehension)
Legolas: (Begins to
dance drunkenly with minstrels) I’m a pretty girlie!!! (singing) (Runs smack into familiar minstrel) Aragorn!! (Hugs, then collapses)
Gandalf: OUT! OUT!
ALL OF YOU OUT!!! (Out scurry the band
of Pythons. Aragorn attempts to follow,
hindered by Legolas, who has grabbed hold of his cloak. Gandalf seizes Aragorn by collar) Not You, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of
Arador, (Pauses to catch breath) son of Argonui, son of Arathorn, son of
Arassuil, son of Arahad, son of Aravorn, son of Aragost, son of Arahad, son of
Araglas, son of Aragorn, son of Aravir, son of Aranuir, son Arahael, son of
Aranarth, son of…
Denethor: ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, I GET IT, I’M NOT KING!
Gandalf: (more meekly) …Son of Isildur… son of Elendil..?
Eomer: (realizing that in the confusion, Eowyn and Faramir
have disappeared) Eowyn? EOWYN??
ABSTINENCE!!! (Charges from room)
Gandalf: Aragorn,
What were you doing with that wandering band of vagabonds?
Aragorn: (Ever so slightly tipsy) Why… Nothing… They required the assistance of
a Ranger to lead them through the Dead Marshes…
Obi-Wan: I lost my
socks there…
Aragorn: That was
you? Hey, I think I found them…
(Searches pockets) Uhhh… here. (hands
Obi-Wan disgusting, mucky socks. One
still has a fish biting onto the toe.)
Obi-Wan: Thanks… QUI-GON!!
We left Peppy in the Dark Marshes!!
Qui-Gon: (Bristling) FOR THE LAST TIME, IT WAS THE DEAD
MARSHES!
Obi-Wan: But… Peppy…
(Small, brown, disgustingly dirty dog comes tumbling out of
vent, immediately attaching itself to Qui-Gon’s leg with sharp, pointy teeth.)
Obi-Wan: PEPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Qui-Gon: Oh… Wonderful.
(Obi-Wan attempts to pry Peppy from Qui-Gon’s leg… rather
unsuccessfully. After a few moments of
ungainly hopping around the Citadel, Obi-Wan succeeds in separating dog from leg.)
Obi-Wan: (Cuddling squirming dog) WHO’S THE CUUUTEST JEDI
DOGGY AROUND? YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE! YES
YOU ARE!!!
Qui-Gon: (rolls eyes, sympathizing with Denethor… Rummages
in many pockets for aspirin… or Jedi equivalent thereof)
Whiskers: MRRRROWWWWWW!!!!!
Peppy: (Barking wildly, finally squirming free of Obi-Wan’s
determined grip. Leaps to ground and
races after Whiskers, still yipping forcefully.)
Denethor: (Standing on table, watching Peppy and Whiskers
race around below) STOP THIS!! I AM THE STEWARD
OF GONDOR AND I COMMAND YOU TO CEASE THIS MADNESS!
(Whiskers and Peppy continue the chase, ignoring Denethor
and Obi-Wan’s pleas to stop.)
Aragorn: (Half asleep, drunkenly and bored.) I am the one
true King of Gondor, and I demand you stop… or something like that…
(Whiskers and Peppy skid to a halt, watching Aragorn
intently.)
Denethor: My… my own CAT has betrayed me to this… This
Ranger from the North! LONG BEREFT OF
LORDSHIP!!!!!
(Denethor watches in disgust as Aragorn topples over next to
Legolas, in a similar drunken stupor.)
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