Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 1

Refer to this post for the introduction. 

Denethor: (At table, stuffing face with tomatoes) (Juicy tomatoes, the kind that make you want to…) Mmmmm…  Mmmredrick!!!

Frederic: (Drunkenly, as always) (Pokes head up from under table, wine sloshing across floor) Ssssir..?

Denethor: (leering at Frederic) Bring me MORE TOMATOES!  Oh, and some oil…

Frederic: (stumbling drunkenly from under table, sloshing wine over all, including Denethor) Rrright away… Sssir… (Collapses)

Denethor: Oh Dammit… Not again… FARAMIR!!!!

Faramir: NO!! NO! YOU CAN’T MAKE ME!!! NOOOOOO!!!!! (Is dragged in by a guard of the citadel)  (Sweetly) Yes father?

Denethor: Frederic’s passed out again, so that means YOU get to be the servant for the day.  MORE TOMATOES!!! AND BRING WOOD AND OIL…

(Strange looks from all.)

Denethor:  It gets cold in the Citadel all alone at night… All I want is a fire.

Faramir: FIRE!? WHERE!?  Oh… Sorry father.  Right away.  Oh, and Father?

Denethor:  Yes?

Faramir: Don’t make me sleep on the floor again tonight, father.

Denethor: No, no, of course not son, now BRING WOOD AND OIL.

(Faramir leaves, practically running once outside, to fetch wood and oil… and tomatoes. You know, those really red ones.  The Beefsteak variety.  Those hybrid ones that are HUGE…)

(Moments later…)

Faramir: Here… Father… (pants, then collapses atop stack of wood, sloshing oil over everything… including Denethor.)

(High-pitched shrieking, emanating from three tiers down)  HE’S NOT DEAD!!! HE’S NOT DEAD!!!!! (Shrieks reach fever pitch as Hobbit draws ever closer.)  HE’S NOT… Ooo… Wine! (Pippin proceeds to snatch Denethor’s wine goblet, gulping greedily, then turns to suck remainder of sloshed wine from rug.)

Denethor: Hey! That was Mine!  (Watches Pippin wringing wine from rug)  Uhh… Nevermind.  You can have that.  (To self) That rug hasn’t been laundered since the Second Age…

Pippin: (looking innocent and indicating Faramir) He… he’s not dead.

Denethor: I know he’s not dead, you twit.  If he were dead he would be lying on the… oh wait… Well he would be covered with… Well… He would be on fire!

(Candle falls from bracket, igniting wood, oil, and Faramir.)

Denethor: Oh Damn… Somebody put him out. 

Frederic: (Waking from drunken stupor.)  I’ve got him, Sssir!  (Proceeds to dump wine over the pyre.) 

Denethor:  NOOOO!!!! THAT’S THE LAST OF THE WINE!!!  Oh… and, you know, my only son…

Gandalf: (Rushes in) STAY THIS MADNESS!!! (Seizes wine from Frederic.)  What have I told you about drinking?!?

Faramir: (Now awake and dancing to put the flames out) HOT. HOT! Uhh… little help here?

Pippin: (Starts beating with wine-soaked rug, igniting it.)

Denethor: NOOO!!! That’s been there since the Second Age!  Do you know how much I could get for that on E- Thilien?  Besides… where would Faramir sleep?

Pippin:  Mmm… Do you smell that? 

Denethor:  Smells like… Flame broiled burgers…

Faramir: Smells like FLESH BURNING!!!

Denethor: (Not listening) What I wouldn’t do for an affordable, fast meal on the go… Burger King!  NO! Burger… Steward!  (Laughs maniacally)  (Does that hand thing that everyone does on Broadway when imagining something great)

Faramir: (Brushing soot off clothing) Thank you SO MUCH father, for your HELP and CONCERN.  Seeing as I am your ONLY HEIR…

(All conversation stops as loud meowing is heard… suspiciously from somewhere inside Gandalf’s robe)

Denethor:  Whiskers?  (Frantically looking for Whiskers.)  Whiskers?  Here Kitty-kitty-kitty!  Oh, Poor Whiskers, he hasn’t even had his tomatoes and wine!  Here I was, worrying about Faramir…

Faramir:  You… you were worried about me?

Denethor: No. WHISKERS???

(Denethor is frantically looking for Whiskers on the ceiling somewhere.  Everyone else is staring at Gandalf.)

Gandalf: What?  (Looks at ceiling with Denethor)  Whiskers?  Uhhh… here kitty-kitty..?  (Something pricks Gandalf) OW.

Denethor: (Looking with the utmost suspicion at Gandalf now.) 

Gandalf: Uhh… stomach cramp, sorry. (doubles over in “Pain”)  (Cat scrambles out of robe)

Denethor:  OH MY POOR WHISKERS!!!  Gandalf, HOW DARE YOU? You stole my cat!

Theoden- King: (Suddenly appearing)  And MY Shadowfax.

Gimli: (also suddenly appearing) And MY axe!

Pippin: Umm… Gimli… (Hands dwarf a VERY THICK script, labeled “The Lord of the Rings” )

Gimli- (Leafing through script) Oh… Uhh… sorry… (Tromps off)

Eowyn: (Climbing through window, pulling branches out of her hair)  Quick, Faramir!  While they’re all distracted! 

Eomer: (Falls out of miscellaneous vent)  FARAMIR!  (all eyes turn to trio)  You were going to sneak off with MY SISTER!!!

Faramir:  Well… That ruins that BRILLIANT plan…

Eowyn: (Laughing forcedly) Eomer… WHERE do you hear such LIES?

Denethor: What have I told you about the women of the Rohirrim?  They have such EXPENSIVE tastes!  Always shopping at that Gap of Rohan!  Are you listening to me? FARAMIR!!

Obi-Wan Kenobi:  (Falling out of vent.  Yes, the same vent Eomer just climbed through.  Don’t split hairs with me!)  CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!  Oh… Wait… I think I’ve lost my socks again… (searches around him in vent)  Qui-Gon… I think I lost them in the dark marshes…

Qui-Gon:  Oh, not again, and it’s the DEAD marshes… And for the last time, we’re NOT going back to look for them!  I still have… dead things… clinging to my cloak. (Pulls himself out of vent, trailing whole dead elf, one hand clamped around cloak) 

Gandalf: Wait… Isn’t that… Legolas? 

Pippin: (matter-of-factly)  He’s in a dress.


Legolas: Aragorn… Back me up…

Qui-Gon: He’s Alive?  You mean to tell me I’ve been dragging this… THING for miles, and he’s ALIVE??

Obi-Wan: …Another pathetic life- form… (sighs)

Legolas: (Still drunk and confused) You’re not… Aragorn?

Gandalf:  Of course not, you imbecile!  He’s… He’s… Wait a minute… Who ARE you?

Pippin: So much for the all knowing wizard…

Gandalf: FOOL OF A TOOK.  Why don’t you throw yourself on the fire next time and rid us all of your STUPIDITY!

Denethor: (His mouth full of tomato… You know, the ones Faramir burnt, the ones with the nice, crispy exterior, and the ever- so- sweet insides that just make you want to…)  Yes… Who ARE you?  (spitting tomato everywhere)  FARAMIR!

Obi-Wan: (Interrupting)  Captain of Gondor!

Qui-Gon: WILL you stop that?

Faramir: But… I was enjoying the attention… (Gets faraway look)  Soon it will be STEWARD of Gondor!  (Does the broadway hand thing.)

Denethor: Enough!! (Stroking Whiskers)  You’re not Steward yet!

Faramir:  (muttering darkly) We can change that…  (seizes Obi-Wan’s Lightsaber, and, attempting to wield it, grazes Whiskers)

Denethor: WHISKERS!!! (Clutches half-bald cat to him)  What have you done to my precious!!

Gandalf:  It’s been called that before, but not by you…

Pippin: (tosses script to Gandalf)

Gandalf: Oh, uhhh… Wrong line… Continue then…

Qui-Gon: Oh, for the love of… I am Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn…

Obi-Wan:  And I’m Obi-Wan… CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!!

Faramir: But… I’m Captain of Gondor…

Obi-Wan: Oh, right… I’m just Qui-Gon’s apprentice… (looks crestfallen)

Theoden- King:  But… What’s a Jedi?

Qui-Gon: It’s a… It’s… Nevermind. We’re knights.

(In comes a chorus of singing knights.  It is the troupe of Monty Python and the Holy Grail.)

Knights: (singing and dancing across Denethor’s table) We’re knights of the Round Table!
            We Dance when e’er we’re able.
            We do routines and chorus scenes,
            And foot work impeccable!
            We dine well here in Camelot, we eat ham and Jam and Spamalot!!!

King Arthur:  I TOLD you we shouldn’t have come to Camelot… it is a silly place.

Denethor: (White with fury)  This is NOT Camelot, It is Minas Tirith, and I am Steward!! (Banging goblet on table)  We don’t even OWN any Camels, how could this be Camelot?

Galahad:  Look! It’s the Grail!  (Points at Denethor and Goblet)

Lancelot: (Whips out sword)  I Will attempt a DARING, BRAVE rescue of the Grail from the hand of this FIEND!

Denethor:  I’m not a fiend!! I’m a STEWARD!  How many times must I SAY that?

(Enter Sir Robin with band of minstrels, one of whom looks strangely familiar)

Minstrels: Brave sir Robin ran away!
            Bravely ran away, away!
            When Danger reared its ugly head
            Sir Robin turned his tail and fled…

Sir Robin: I DIDN’T!

Denethor: (Puts head in hands, beyond care or comprehension)

Legolas:  (Begins to dance drunkenly with minstrels) I’m a pretty girlie!!! (singing)  (Runs smack into familiar minstrel)  Aragorn!! (Hugs, then collapses) 

Gandalf:  OUT! OUT! ALL OF YOU OUT!!!  (Out scurry the band of Pythons.  Aragorn attempts to follow, hindered by Legolas, who has grabbed hold of his cloak.  Gandalf seizes Aragorn by collar)  Not You, Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of Arador, (Pauses to catch breath) son of Argonui, son of Arathorn, son of Arassuil, son of Arahad, son of Aravorn, son of Aragost, son of Arahad, son of Araglas, son of Aragorn, son of Aravir, son of Aranuir, son Arahael, son of Aranarth, son of…


Gandalf: (more meekly) …Son of Isildur… son of Elendil..?

Eomer: (realizing that in the confusion, Eowyn and Faramir have disappeared)  Eowyn?  EOWYN??  ABSTINENCE!!! (Charges from room)

Gandalf:  Aragorn, What were you doing with that wandering band of vagabonds? 

Aragorn: (Ever so slightly tipsy)  Why… Nothing… They required the assistance of a Ranger to lead them through the Dead Marshes…

Obi-Wan:  I lost my socks there…

Aragorn:  That was you?  Hey, I think I found them… (Searches pockets)  Uhhh… here. (hands Obi-Wan disgusting, mucky socks.  One still has a fish biting onto the toe.)  

Obi-Wan:  Thanks… QUI-GON!! We left Peppy in the Dark Marshes!!


Obi-Wan: But… Peppy…

(Small, brown, disgustingly dirty dog comes tumbling out of vent, immediately attaching itself to Qui-Gon’s leg with sharp, pointy teeth.)

Obi-Wan: PEPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Qui-Gon: Oh… Wonderful. 

(Obi-Wan attempts to pry Peppy from Qui-Gon’s leg… rather unsuccessfully.  After a few moments of ungainly hopping around the Citadel, Obi-Wan succeeds in separating dog from leg.)


Qui-Gon: (rolls eyes, sympathizing with Denethor… Rummages in many pockets for aspirin… or Jedi equivalent thereof) 

Whiskers: MRRRROWWWWWW!!!!!

Peppy: (Barking wildly, finally squirming free of Obi-Wan’s determined grip.  Leaps to ground and races after Whiskers, still yipping forcefully.)

Denethor: (Standing on table, watching Peppy and Whiskers race around below)  STOP THIS!! I AM THE STEWARD OF GONDOR AND I COMMAND YOU TO CEASE THIS MADNESS!

(Whiskers and Peppy continue the chase, ignoring Denethor and Obi-Wan’s pleas to stop.)

Aragorn: (Half asleep, drunkenly and bored.) I am the one true King of Gondor, and I demand you stop… or something like that…

(Whiskers and Peppy skid to a halt, watching Aragorn intently.)

Denethor: My… my own CAT has betrayed me to this… This Ranger from the North!  LONG BEREFT OF LORDSHIP!!!!!

(Denethor watches in disgust as Aragorn topples over next to Legolas, in a similar drunken stupor.) 

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