Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 6

Refer to this post for an introduction

(Back in the Citadel…)

Denethor:  (On knees, weeping over scorched remains of his beloved tomatoes.  You know, the tomatoes the mob burned.  Those ones that are now just a pile of ashes.  Dark, black ashes.  The kind that just make you want to…)  NOOO!!!! My… TOMATOES!!  Poor Bob… and Marge… and… FLUFFY!!!

Faramir:  You named a tomato FLUFFY???  I mean… I can see “Juicy” or “Big Red” or something, but FLUFFY?

Théoden-King: …You NAMED your tomatoes?  Oh, and what about that cat of yours, Denethor?  Are you going to mourn the loss of your tomatoes and leave him lost and alone in the wilderness?

Denethor:  W-Whiskers?  What do you mean he’s… GONE!!!  First my tomatoes and now my cat?  GANDALF!!!  (echoes over city)

Townspeople’s Children: (Hiding) Denethor’s mad, Mommy!!!

Townspeople:  Just hide under the bed until it’s over…

Frederic:  Gandalf’s gone?  (whips out wine bottle)  This calls for a celebration!

(Denethor rages about Citadel, seething. Whips wine bottle from Frederic’s hands, and takes a long draw)

Denethor: Oh, and Frederic… You’re fired!

Frederic:  No I’m not.  You Stewards have been trying to get rid of my family since the second age!  (Disappears into kitchen with bottle of wine and Dinah, the kitchen maid.)

(enter Steve, with mob close behind)

Steve: FIRE? BURN IT! BURN THE CITADEL!!!

(Denethor slams door in Steve’s face, locks it, then turns to face others with a forced smile.)

Denethor:  Now… Where were we?

Théoden- King: Your cat…

Denethor: Ahh, yes… GANDALF!!! 

Obi-Wan: WIZARD OF MIDDLE-EARTH!

Denethor: Faramir!

Obi-Wan: CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!

Qui-Gon: Grrr… (Vein in temple pulses)

Denethor: This is your last chance, the last chance for Faramir,

Obi-Wan: CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!

Denethor: … to show his quality… Find Gandalf and BRING HIM TO ME!

Faramir: But…

Denethor: But?  BUT? (suddenly sweetly)  I’ll let you sleep in your own room.  No more curling up on that rug for you, my boy.

Boromir’s Ghost: (chuckling)  Hee hee… he said butt…

(cut to: Pelennor Fields)

Faramir: (muttering to self.  Trudging along without benefit of horse.) How am I supposed to catch Gandalf with no horse?  He’s riding the fastest horse in Middle Earth…

(Faramir passes group of strangely dressed beings.  They are our friends from Stargate, and they are enjoying a picnic lunch.  Daniel is playing with rocks, Teal’c is on guard, looking scary, Sam and Jack are… doing something.)

Obi-Wan: (trotting by on pony)  Faramir, CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!  I get to come with you on an adventure!  Isn’t that great?  Qui-Gon sent me after you, and Denethor gave me this neat pony!

Faramir: My FATHER gave you that pony? 

Obi-Wan: I know, isn’t he GREAT?  And look!  I even remembered my… (looks at booted feet) socks?  How could I lose my socks?  I had my boots on all day! (whips out Jedi communicator thingy) Qui-Gon! I lost my socks!  Can you bring me a pair?

Qui-Gon: (from Minas Tirith) NO!  (Switches off communicator thingy)

Obi-Wan: (shakes walkie-talkie…thingy)  Hmmm… Qui- Gon’s must be broken… OH WELL!!  So, where are we going?  Are we there yet?  Can I get some ice-cream on the way?

Faramir: We’ll play the quiet game.  If you can be quiet ALL THE WAY to… the Grey Havens, I’ll get you some ice cream.

Obi-Wan: YAY! A GAME!

Faramir: AH! You’re not being quiet!  No ice-cream!

Obi-Wan: No fair, Start over!  (claps hand over mouth)

(Five seconds, then…)

Obi-Wan: EOWYN!

Faramir:  You lose!

Obi-Wan: No! Look! Eowyn!  LADY OF ROHAN! (points)

(Eowyn, riding a golden stallion, catches up with the pair.  Not far behind her is Eomer, riding his usual steed.)

Eowyn:  Faramir! (Obi-Wan claps hand over mouth in attempt to keep silent) WHY do you leave WITHOUT me? Take me with you! 

Eomer:  You’re not going anywhere without me!  ABSTINENCE!!! (gallops up to group, and makes fancy halt.  You know, where the horse rears up before stopping…)

Obi-Wan: AbstiNICE!  Oops… (claps hand over mouth)  (No one has noticed)

Faramir: NO ONE is coming with me, unless I can ride someone’s horse!

Eomer: (whistle) (You know, like Gandalf.  When he whistles for Shadowfax…)

(horse trots up)

Faramir: Hey… can you teach me to do that?

Eomer: Of course not!  They don’t call us “horsemasters” for nothing!

Eowyn: Damn straight…

(Faramir mounts horse, and group rides away into the… not quite setting sun)

(End of Part VI.  Stay tuned, kids.  This thing will develop a plot sooner or later, we promise!) (at least we think so…) (Not sure, really, what with the conversations about “Darth Radar,” “Qui-GOD,” and “Denetholics.”)