Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 2

Refer to this post for the introduction.

(Cut to: Kitchen.  A pantry.  Well stocked with Denethor’s favorite food: Tomatoes.  You know, those tomatoes, not the red ones, but those crazy yellow ones… Man those ones are so good.  They just make you want to…)

(Faramir and Eowyn, hiding in the pantry… yeah. Just sitting.  I know, why run away from everyone JUST to sit in a pantry, but you have to understand, this is MIDDLE EARTH we are talking about, not 20th century America.)

Eomer: (From elsewhere in Minas Tirith) EOWYN!!! FARAMIR, WHEN I FIND YOU… (Voice fades)

Eowyn: (Shuddering)  Faramir, haven’t you got those knots undone yet?

Faramir: (Struggling to ‘free’ Eowyn from restraints of dress.)  I… Never learned how to untie a knot…

Eowyn: What do you mean NEVER?

Faramir: Well… Father was always too busy with Boromir… “Boromir, Come learn how to untie a knot” “Boromir, come learn how to ride a horse” “Boromir, come learn how to shoot an arrow…”

Eowyn: Honestly…

Faramir:  “Boromir, learn how to blow the horn of Gondor.”  “Boromir, learn how to bake frilly pastries, so you can learn how to serve them to lords of great importance from FARAWAY LANDS, SO YOU CAN MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION WHEN YOU BECOME THE MOST LOVED STEWARD IN GONDORIAN HISTORY!!!!!!!!!!”

Eomer: (Opens door.  Sees pair.  Opens mouth as if to speak.)

Eowyn: Eomer, WHERE do you hear such LIES?

Eomer: But… I never said anything…

Eowyn: Well then… Eomer… What are YOU doing here?  (laughs nervously)

(Long pause.  Eowyn smacks Faramir, still trying to undo knots.  Faramir attempts to hide behind pile of tomatoes, which promptly collapses.  Eomer trips on errant tomato, giving the lovers time to escape)

Eomer: (running after Faramir and Eowyn)  ABSTINENCE IS THE BEST BIRTH CONTROL!!! FARAMIR!!!

Obi-Wan: (Echoing over the city) CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!!!

City folk: (Looking up) Someone must be visiting the city…  That wasn’t Denethor…

Denethor: (Runs in, panicked at the sound of falling tomatoes… you know. The tomatoes that Faramir knocked over.  The ones that are all bruised and mushy… the ones you would throw at bad comedians… You know, when they do that thing that just makes you want to…)  My… tomatoes!!  (Sees Eomer fleeing around corner)  EOMER!!!  THEODEN, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!

(Cut to: Somewhere in the lower levels)

City folk: (Sigh, and continue working)

Some Dude: What was that?

City folk:  Oh, that’s just Denethor.  Just smile and nod, it happens all the time.


Theoden- King: (upon hearing Denethor’s echo from the pantries below)  MY fault?  Where was Gondor when the Westfold fell?  Where was Gondor when our enemies closed in around us?  Where was Gon…

Denethor:  Oh, LOOK WHO’S TALKING!  Sauruman’s Puppet finally has a mind of his own!

Theoden- King: Well, at least SAURON didn’t trick me into LICKING the Palantir!

Denethor: I ONLY LOOKED!!!

Theoden- King: Well at least MY SON isn’t out there MOLESTING WOMEN!!! One of them being MY NIECE!!!

Denethor: WHY YOU—ONLY I CAN INSULT FARAMIR!!! (Leaps on Theoden- King, and begins wrestling with him, leaving a trail of tomato sauce behind.  In the course of the tussle, they manage to roll off the end of the cliff.  You know, the one that Denethor goes flying off of in a ball of flames…)

Faramir: (In the midst of making out with Eowyn somewhere in Minas Tirith)  OH NOT AGAIN, FATHER, THAT”S THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK!!!  Somebody get the stretcher…

Qui-Gon: (Sarcastically) I’ve got it… (Uses force to stop descent, gradually pulls pair back up to Citadel)

Theoden- King: (Panting) Well… AT LEAST I’M A KING!!!

Denethor: (Equally out of breath, but attempting to puff up like an angry cat)  GONDOR IS MINE, AND NO OTHERS’!!!

Aragorn: (Waking from drunken stupor)  Waiiit a minute….

(Monotonous, heavy, mechanical breathing is heard.) 

Obi-Wan: (looking at Darth Vader)  Ooo… Such a cool costume!  I want a costume like that!  Master, can I have a cool costume like that???

Denethor:  WHAT IS THAT!?!?  YOU! Stay away from my Whiskers!!! Oh… and my, you know, only son…  Wait!  If Faramir (Obi-Wan: *Interrupting, despite Qui-Gon’s attempts to quiet him* CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!) dies,  WHISKERS can become… STEWARD OF GONDOR (Broadway hand thing)

All: (Strange looks in Denethor’s general direction)

Faramir:  WHAT SAY YOU?  (Keep in mind the kid’s three tiers down, making out with the chick from Rohan, folks.)

Darth Vader:  Obi-Wan, I am your FATHER…

Obi-Wan: WHAT!?!

Qui-Gon: WHAT!?!  Oh, well… that explains a lot…

Darth Vader:  Er… Wrong person, sorry… Obi-Wan, I am your APPRENTICE!!!

(General gasps from all)

Obi-Wan:  My APPRENTICE has a COOL COSTUME???  AWESOME!!! Do I get a cool costume?

Darth Vader/ Qui-Gon: NO.

Darth Vader:  You are nothing but a doddering old fool by my time. 

Obi-Wan: COOL!  Waiiit…

Qui-Gon: THAT’S IT!  I’M NOT TRAINING YOU ANY FARTHER!  Wait… Maybe it’s because I don’t train you that this occurs… but… if… (Hopelessly confused)

Peppy: ARF!  (attaches self to Qui-Gon’s leg)

Qui-Gon: THAT’S IT!  WE’RE LEAVING!  Obi-Wan, get your socks.  We’re going home!

Yoda: (SURPRISE! He was here all along, but you didn’t notice because he’s a short green dude, and there are gaggles of those in Middle Earth.)  Leaving you are not, Yeeess.  Stay here you must.  Great quest you are on. 

Qui-Gon: And WHAT quest is that?

Yoda: Figure that out for yourself you must.  Now, ice cream Darth Vader and I will get.  Yeeess…

Obi-Wan: I want ice cream!  Qui-Gon, can our quest be to get ice cream?

Qui-Gon: NO!  I will not have you getting hot fudge all over your Lightsaber, and your tunic, and… me…  Besides, you’re hyper enough as it is!

(Yoda and Darth Vader leave, chatting amiably.)

(Back down in the city)

Faramir: (Running away from Eomer, who has sent Eowyn off elsewhere, and is now pursuing Faramir, to beat the living bejesus out of him.)  What do I do?  Oh god, what do I do?  (Pants)

Boromir’s Ghost:  Nice going, little brother.  REALLY holding down the fort since I’ve been gone… 

Faramir: BOROMIR!! (Skids to halt)  Boromir, I need help!

Eomer: (Slides into Faramir, toppling over both.)

Boromir’s ghost:  I ALWAYS have to bail you out, don’t I little brother.  “Boromir, save me from the imaginary dragons!”  “Boromir, save me from Father and his baking lessons!”  “Boromir, Save me from the Orcs overrunning Osgiliath…”  It’s always the same with  you, isn’t it?  Well, let me tell You something, Faramir, son of Denethor, son of Ecthelion, son of Turgon, son of Turin, son of Thorondir, son of Belecthor, son of Beregond, son of Beren, son of Egalmoth, son of…

Faramir:  (Being mercilessly pummeled by Eomer)  ENOUGH!!!  I can’t hold him off much longer!!

Boromir’s Ghost:  Well, if I hadn’t bailed you out of those sword lessons, you would be winning right now.  Think about that!

(But at that moment, Eomer is knocked unconscious by a falling Denethor.  The latter being pushed off the upper wall by Theoden- King.  Faramir stands, pulling Denethor off Eomer.)

Faramir: Father!  You saved me!  (Hugs)  See, Boromir!  Father saved me!  Even when you wouldn’t!!

Denethor: Uhh… Who are you talking to?  I thought you outgrew those imaginary dragons…

Faramir:  (In stage whisper) I see dead people…

Denethor: BOROMIR!!! BOROMIR!!!  COME BACK TO ME, MY FAVORITE SON!!! (Pushes Faramir out of the way, and looks around madly.)

Boromir’s Ghost:  Oh for the love of god… (Helps Faramir, who has tripped over Eomer, to his feet.  Both escape)

Denethor:  Faramir, you wouldn’t have to be steward of Gondor after all!  (looks around)  BOROMIR! 

Boromir’s Ghost: (Pointing back towards an inn…)  Break out the Ale!  Remember today, little brother.  Today, life is good.

Faramir:  THAT’S the same thing you said when you left for Rivendell, DIED, and left me with that tomato- loving nutcase! 

(Faramir and Boromir’s ghost sit in inn, drinking ale.  Don’t ask me how Boromir manages to actually drink ale, fact is, he is.  Gandalf, obviously smelling alcohol from three tiers up, rushes into inn.)

Gandalf:  Faramir!  Your father’s mind is overthrown.  He’s outside raving about Boromir…

Boromir’s Ghost:  Hee hee hee…

Gandalf:  I thought he outgrew those imaginary dragons…

Faramir:  Well… You would think so… (does best to conceal ale behind back)

Gandalf: …Why are you in a bar?

Faramir: It’s not a BAR, it’s an INN, and I wanted to sleep in a real bed for once… Especially since Pippin burned my rug…  

Pippin: (Completely drunk, on stool next to Faramir)  I didn’t mean to… (Passes out and falls off stool)

Faramir: I didn’t even know he was there...

Gandalf: Neither did I…  Wait… Faramir, are you drinking ALE?

Faramir: No…
Gandalf:  STAY THIS MADNESS!  (Seizes ale from Faramir.)

Eomer: (From outside, dazedly as he comes to.)  ABSTINENCE…

Denethor:  (elsewhere outside) BOROMIR!!!

Eowyn: WHERE do you hear such LIES?  Faramir?


Qui-Gon: SHUT UP!

Peppy: Woof.

Whiskers: Mrrrow?

Legolas: I’M A PRETTY LITTLE GIRLY!! (Prances by)

Aragorn: ME TOO!! (Joins in prancing)


Frederic: (looking at scorched rug for first time) THAT RUG’S BEEN THERE SINCE THE SECOND AGE! (passes out)

Pippin: (Waking momentarily)  HE’S NOT DEAD!

Boromir’s Ghost:  FOR GONDOR!! (Takes swig of ale)

Pythons: (as in Monty)  GET ON WITH IT!

Faramir: (says nothing, but runs to Uber-barrel of ale, and begins drinking feverishly from tap.)

End (Part two that is… And you thought we were done! *laughs maniacally*)

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