Refer to this post for an introduction
Qui-Gon: (Dancing on table) They’re gone! They’re gone! No more Obi-Wan! No more Peppy!!! WHEEE!!!
Denethor: Ahh, yes, my son is FINALLY gone. This calls for a feast. Break out the wine and tomatoes. (You know,
the ones Denethor was just mourning over.
The one’s he forgot aren’t there.
Yeah, THOSE ones. The ones that
just make you want to…)
Pippin: But… There aren’t any tomatoes left!
Denethor: Oh, yeah.
(resumes wailing) FLUFFY!!!
(Arwen enters, huffily marches up to Legolas, and slaps him
across the face)
Arwen: HOW DARE YOU STEAL MY DRESS! YOU ARE THE MOST SELFISH, UNGRATEFUL,
DRUNKEN… WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH YOU, LEGOLAS, SON OF THRANDUIL…
Pippin: … Wait, that’s… it?
Arwen: That’s it.
Pippin: Oh… Ok, resume your lecture.
Arwen: Thank You. (to Legolas) THAT WAS MY FAVORITE DRESS, IT WAS ALL PINK,
WITH ALL THOSE PRETTY FRILLS, AND NOW LOOK AT IT! IT’S ALL COVERED IN MUD, AND STAINED WITH
WINE AND TOMATO SAUCE, AND… THERE ARE DEAD THINGS CLINGING TO IT! (Holds up sleeve, stained and tattered, with
dead weasel hanging from it.)
Aragorn: Arwen, please! Keep it down, We have hangovers…
Arwen: AND YOU! (Pauses,
looks out citadel window.) Oh… Well, See
you around, boys! Hopefully…
Aragorn: Hopefully?
WHADDYA MEAN HOPEFULLY?
Arwen: Well, there IS that little matter of the Orcs
overrunning Osgiliath… They’re coming this way, and Father told me to get out
before they get here. I don’t want to be
late…
Boromir’s ghost: Late as in DEAD, hee hee!
(Arwen leaves hastily, crawling through vent to make a quick
escape.)
Denethor: Osgiliath has fallen? Faramir (Blessed Silence) was supposed to be
protecting Osgiliath! WHY THAT GOOD FOR
NOTHING… I knew he would amount to
nothing!
Théoden- King: Denethor, YOU SENT Faramir to go find
Gandalf!
Denethor: I DID NO
SUCH THING! I would never have done such
a thing when GONDOR’S NEED WAS DIRE… HE DIRECTLY DISOBEYED MY ORDERS! I know what’s wrong with him! He has Mad- Cow Disease! Because of that MAD COW, EOWYN, WHO SHOPS AT
THE GAP OF ROHAN! THEODEN! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!
Théoden- King:
(seething with rage) MY FAULT?
I’m sure you should have foreseen this when you were LICKING THE
PALANTIR!!! AND HOW DARE YOU CALL MY NIECE A COW! (Leaps at Denethor,
teeth bared) YOU ARE ONLY STEWARD! I AM A KING!
Denethor: (Rushing at Théoden-King) KING? YOU ARE A LESSER
SON OF GREATER SIRES! (muttering under
breath) Whereas I am a greater sire with LESSER sons…
Boromir’s ghost: Hee
hee… He’s making fun of Faramir… Wait… I resent that.
Qui-Gon: STOP THIS!
CAN’T YOU SEE YOUR CITY IS IN DANGER?
STOP THIS AT ONCE!
(No change, Denethor and Théoden-King are still madly
brawling.)
Aragorn: (covering
ears and cowering in corner) I am the one true king of Gondor…
(Action immediately stops.
Théoden freezes, holding a struggling Denethor by the wrists.)
Denethor: LET ME GO! WHAT
ARE YOU DOING? YOU’RE GOING TO LISTEN TO
THIS… RANGER? HAVE AT YOU! BRING IT ON!
Qui-Gon: I SAID STOP IT!
Do you want to save your city, or leave it to be sacked?
Denethor: Oh, and, you know, my only son is out there…
Qui-Gon: …Obi-Wan is out there… Denethor, it is OUR DUTY to
protect this city! And I’ve finally
found my quest!
(Triumphant trumpet music)
(Yoda and Darth Vader appear, laden with Cotton Candy, Darth
Vader is wearing a Beer helmet… with soda in it, of course.)
Yoda:
Congratulations, Yeeess… Great Quest you have found. Successful you must be, Yeeess… Going we will
be now, carnival games to play. Yeesss…
(Yoda and Darth Vader leave, chatting amiably. Followed by Teal’c, wielding a pen and
autograph book. Confused looks from
all.)
(End of Part VII.)
(AND NOW FOR AN ADVERTISEMENT FROM OUR SPONSORS! Anyone who passes on this story to their
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rest of eternity! Seriously! We will bow
and kiss your feet when we see you… Aww, to hell with it, YOU don’t know who we
are, you’ll never find us, WE don’t have to give you anything! But, seriously, if you like this, pass it on!)
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