Friday, May 23, 2014

Writing Without A Net: The Ultimate Waste of Time-- Chapter 4



Refer to this post for an introduction

(Pelennor Fields.)

Jack O’Neill: Well, kids… Any idea where we are?

Samantha Carter:  Ummm… Not exactly, sir…

Teal’c:  I am unaware of this planet, ColonelO’Neill

Daniel Jackson: Ooh… LOOK!  (Points excitedly to rocks on ground)  Maybe they have writings I can decipher!  (Skips about, collecting rocks)

O’Neill: (poking about in pockets)  Hey, which one of you has the GDO?  I think it’s about time we get the heck outta here.  Daniel’s playing with rocks again…

Carter:  (Looking for GDO)  I haven’t got it, sir.

Teal’c: Nor do i

Daniel: (Looking up from rocks)  I thought you had it…

(Enter Darth Vader and Yoda, still chatting.  Each has an ice- cream cone.  Darth Vader approaches O’Neill, and hands him the GDO. ) 

Teal’c: (eyes wide, very un-Jaffa like)  Can I have your autograph?  (Trots after pair)

O’Neill:  T!  Get back here!  (To Carter)  And who were they?

Carter:  You STILL haven’t seen Star Wars, sir?

O’Neill: …

(FALL BACK TO MINAS TIRITH!!! Again…) 

(Morning)

Qui-Gon:  (Wakes up to face-full of cat)  MMMPH!!!  (Suffocating)  MMMMPHHH!!! (struggles to get sleeping feline off face)

Whiskers: (yawning)  Mmmmmrowwwww!  (Stands up, still on Qui-Gon’s face, stretches, then climbs onto pillow and begins to groom self)

Qui-Gon:  Stupid cat…  (spits out fur)  I hope Obi-Wan had a WONDERFUL night’s sleep on the RUG… Maybe Peppy was sleeping on HIS face… (grumbles)
(Rug, where Obi-Wan and Faramir are sleeping.  Peppy is napping, teeth secured to Faramir’s boot.)  (Qui-Gon creeps in slowly, followed by Whiskers, giving curious cat looks to all.) 

Qui-Gon: (Leaning precariously close to Obi-Wan’s sleeping form.)  (Thinks)  Let him sleep, and get some peace and quiet, or have revenge?  Choices, choices…

Qui-Gon:  (Screams, as loud as humanly possible.  Loud enough to shatter one’s eardrums into a thousand tiny shreds.)  CAPTAIN OF GONDOR!!!!!!!!!

(Everyone in the entirety of Minas Tirith wake suddenly… except Obi-Wan.  Faramir covers ears and looks at Qui-Gon unpleasantly)

Faramir: (ears ringing) What’d you do that for?  If you needed me, you could have just shaken me… I would’ve woken up…

Qui-Gon: (Stares disbelievingly at Obi-Wan)  (Peppy attaches self to Qui-Gon’s leg, since he has returned) 

Obi-Wan: (Wakes, Peppy’s wagging tail waving in his face.  Stretches, yawns, looks around.)  What’s going on?

Denethor: (Running in)  WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THIS MADNESS??

Théoden- King: WHAT IN MIDDLE EARTH IS GOING ON??

Eowyn:  WHO is shouting so LOUDLY?

Eomer:  (stumbles in, half asleep, hair askew) ABSTINENCE!!

(Aragorn and Legolas walk in, Hung over.  Aragorn is missing a boot, and Legolas is still in the dress.) 

Aragorn: (Sigh) Just another day in Minas Tirith, when Gondor has no king…

Boromir’s Ghost:  Gondor needs no king.

Aragorn: Did you hear something? 

Legolas: Why am I wearing a dress?

Pippin:  He’s not dead! (Joyfully hugs Faramir)

Frederic:  (Holding bottle of wine)  Are we celebrating?  BREAK OUT THE WINE! (Drinks deeply)

Faramir: (Bewildered)  Is it my birthday?

Denethor: No, go to your rug. 

Faramir:  But, Father, I’m already on my rug…

(No one has noticed Gandalf.  Except Pippin, who approaches.)

Pippin: Gandalf!  Why are the front of your robes moving?  Why did you just put Whiskers in your cloak?  Why does your left boot sound exactly like Peppy?

Gandalf: FOOL OF A TOOK!  (Tries to run away from Denethor and Obi-Wan) 

(When that doesn’t work, he whistles for Shadowfax)

Théoden-King: That’s my horse!

Gimli: AND MY AXE!

Pippin: (Shakes head, Gimli leaves, embarrassed)

(Angry mob comes in, led by Steve.)

Steve: You ordered an angry mob?

Denethor:  (Shrugs, looking embarrassed, as room turns to look at him.)  What?  I’m Steward, I can do as I bloody well please!

Faramir: Actually… Aragorn is the king.

Aragorn: Damn straight.

Denethor:  THIS is why I dislike you, Faramir.  If Boromir were here, he would have just nodded and said “yes father.” You know, like that one time…

(Flashback:  Minas Tirith, the past.)

Denethor: ONE DAY SON, ALL OF THIS WILL BE YOURS! (Gestures out the window.  Boromir nods thoughtfully)

Faramir: (From rug in corner)  What, the curtains?

Denethor: NO, NOT THE CURTAINS, BOY! NOW SHUT UP, OR ALL YOU’LL GET IS THE CURTAINS!

Boromir: (Nodding) Yes father.


Denethor: YOU SEE, FARAMIR, THIS IS WHY I LIKE YOUR BROTHER SO MUCH.  HE ALWAYS NODS AND SAYS ‘YES FATHER’ WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE.

(FALL BACK TO MINAS TIRITH!!! Present day, that is.)

Boromir’s Ghost:  Damn Straight…  Wait… is there an echo in here?

Faramir:  I thought you didn’t like me because I listen to Gandalf too much, and don’t have a mind of my own…

Denethor: Damn Straight… Wait… Is there an echo in here?

Gandalf:  At least he isn’t like a certain STEWARD we know… whose mind is overthrown…

Steve:  (Exciting mob) OVERTHROWN!!! YOU HEAR THAT FELLAS!!! OVERTHROW THE STEWARD!!!!

Denethor: no! NO! NO!!! WAIT!!! I’M THE STEWARD, AND I COMMAND YOU TO WAIT!!! 

(no change, mob pillaging and burning)

Denethor: (being pushed into background)  NOT THE RUG!  IT'S BEEN THERE SINCE THE SECOND AGE!!!

Faramir: (Mumbling to self) Ahh… My plan is working perfectly… soon my father… and his empire will be in flames, and I will finally be STEWARD! (Broadway hand thing) 

(lit torch comes dangerously close to Faramir)

Faramir: (Screams like a girl) FIRE!!!

Qui-Gon:  EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!! I HAVE A HEADACHE AND…

Obi-Wan:  Master! Can we use our lightsabers to stop them Master?  Can we?  Please? PleasePleasePlease!!!!!

Qui-Gon: FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S GOOD AND HOLY, NO!

Obi-Wan: But…

Qui-Gon: NO!

Aragorn:  (surveying scene.  Watches, amused for a moment then…) I am Aragorn, son of Arathorn, son of… (well, you know the rest.) The one true king of Gondor, and I command you all to cease and desist… Yada yada yada… whatever.

(Angry mob silences, leaving single file.  Remainder of crowd turn to look at Aragorn.  Gandalf is noticeably missing, as are Peppy and Whiskers.) (and Shadowfax) (And Gimli’s axe)

Gimli: (falls out of vent, screaming) THAT’S MY AXE!!! (runs out of citadel)

Eomer: (Joining in for no apparent reason) ABSTINENCE!!!

End of part IV (Yep, still going.  However, in the extremely rare case that we write for more than two hours, contact your doctor.  This message brought to you by Pfizer.) (and the Rangers of E-Thilien) (and Obi-Wonka) (… Don’t ask)

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